Doing Some Other Guy's Job

As it is so often in Week 17, things couldn't be simpler for the Patriots. There's no mystery here, fellas. Beat the Dolphins.

That's it.

We're All Week-to-Week

Just like that, the team nobody wanted to face in the playoffs isn't in the playoffs any more.

Of course that could change again next week.

Southside Story

The Patriots will be without two starting wide receivers, both starting safeties, their offensive line is still a work in progress and their leading rusher is on IR.

The Jets playoff existence is on the line. And they're playing at home.

The pigskin math is pretty in this one, isn't it?

Christmas in New England will be Played on the Road

Watching a little bit of Bill Belichick's press conference Wednesday morning on ESPN. As usual, Belichick was effusive and detailed in his praise of the Jets and their players while being guarded if not downright stingy in his assessment of his own players (with a variation on "they're all good" in response to Chandler Jones' career high 12.5 sacks). In his responses to questions about the newest Patriot, Steven Jackson, Belichick did not disappoint. 

"We'll see."

Yes, yes we will.

This One's Optimistic

We could start with the obvious. 12-2-0. The #1 seed in the AFC is theirs to lose. Tom Brady. Rob Gronkowski. That defense. They can rest Devin McCourty, Julian Edelman, Dont'a Hightower, Danny Amendola and Patrick Chung (five starters!) until the playoffs and still win out because Bill Belichick is always roster building.

I mean… Akiem Hicks? Joey Iosefa? Who? What? I'm already looking forward to Leonard Hankerson's first TD catch. And Steven Jackson's first 100-yard rushing game.

This Given Sunday

The last time we (okay, maybe it was just me) were irresponsibly confident in a Patriots victory over a stumbling opponent at home, well, we know what happened, don't we?

Okay, I realize the things I say or the clothes I wear don't really have any impact on the outcome of a football game. Then again, there's that Butterfly Effect thing so yeah, I'll be wearing the gray hoodie at 1:00pm this Sunday.

Big game.

The Titans are coming to town!

Another Next Man Up

If this is Tuesday, the Patriots must be putting another player on the Injured Reserve list.

Okay, it hasn't been quite that bad.

Still. Dominique Easley. I'm gonna miss him.

The Man With The Big White Gloves

I'm watching the Giants-Dolphins Monday night game to remind myself how lucky I am to be a Patriots fan.

So That Happened

First there was the miraculous on-side kick recovery. Then there was the miracle of the forced fumble recovery. And then... All out of miracles. Alas.

So, that happened. Is there anything good to take away from the Patriots 35-28 loss to the alleged football team from Philadelphia. Well, nobody got hurt. There's that. Maybe the Patriots just made every possible bad play they could possibly make in all three phases of the game and now they're all behind them. 

Yeah, okay, probably not. What else can I say?

We're on to Houston!

The Tough Are About To Get Going

I would not want to be the Philadelphia Eagles coming to play in the Big Razor this Sunday.

Somebody's got to pay.

The Repeatable Experience

Remember where we started.

Brady was going to be on the sidelines for the first four games. The Pats were going to miss Darrelle Revis in a "Super Bowl? Fuggedaboutit!" kind of way. Malcolm Butler was more likely a one-hit wonder than he was a poor man's Revis. They were going to miss Shane Vereen, too.

Flash forward to today.

Is God a Dick?

So, once again a group of people have killed a whole bunch of other people, for the greater glory of God. It's been going on for a few thousand years now. I'm thinking it's a trend. It would be "on fleek" if "on fleek" was still a thing. It's got me wondering. Is God a Dick?

If You Need A Reason

Their offensive line is in shambles, their most dynamic playmaker is now on Injured Reserve and their best defensive player is sick and unable to practice. I guess that explains why the Patriots are only 7-point favorites in their road game against the Giants.

That and Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, Chandler Jones, Dont'a Hightower, Julian Edelman, Devin McCourty, Stephen Gostkowski, Rob Ninkovich…

Better Than You

Is there anyone on this planet not named Roger Goodell who still thinks Tom Brady needed to deflate footballs to gain a competitive advantage?

Oh, you still think he did "something?"

Yeah, he did. He played football better than you.

Ten Years

"Ten years, man! Ten years!

-      Paul Spericki, "Grosse Pointe Blank"

At 38 years of age, Tom Brady is having one of the best years of his storied career. Recently, he said he'd like to play for 10 more years. Previously, Brady has vowed to play until he sucks. Apparently, Brady doesn't see himself sucking until he's 49.

Rivals

The Jets. I hear "the Jets" and I immediately think of that moment in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when Indiana Jones looks down into the chamber that holds the Ark of the Covenant and says, "Snakes. Why does it always have to be… Snakes."

When all the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads were saying it's going to be the Dolphins or maybe even the Bills I should've known... 

It's always the Jets.

Long Day's Pigskin Journey

Is there more to this game than the other fifteen? It doesn't count for two wins, does it?

Indiana Wants Me

I'm thinking 73-0 is probably too much to ask for (though you never know unless you ask, am I right?).

A 60-burger? If the Patriots could score a TD on 9 possessions, that would be 63 points. At some point the Colts would have to start running the ball and the clock to keep the game from getting out of control.

Hey, seriously, I'd be fine with 45-7.

This Is Not A Gambling Site

How do you know Roger Goodell is lying?

His lips move.

Something To Look Forward To

Not for nothing but I hope the Patriots run the ball against the Cowboys. I hope they come out with three tight ends and guard Shaq Mason lined up as a fullback in front of LeGarrette Blount. I hope they run the ball at Greg Hardy, over Greg Hardy, through Greg Hardy. I hope they go no huddle so Hardy can't sub out. Brady finds him and audibles to a play that runs right at him. Again. Again. Again. I hope they run him off the field. I want to see him signal to the coaches on the sidelines to take him out. I want to see him fake an injury to stop the pain. I hope he pukes on the sideline. I want to see him shake his head when the coaches ask him to go back in the game.

Maybe that's just me.

Remembrance of Pigskin Things Recently Past

It's a little early in the season for introspection, isn't it?

Hey, it's the Patriots' bye week. That seems a bit early, too.

Quarters

You know the drill. Entertainment purposes only. This is not a gambling site. Life is a series of random, often unsympathetic events we've somehow convinced ourselves are key piece of the master plan of a supreme being. And yet, I do not feel reassured.

Something like that.

Undefeated So Far

I guess I am that guy, after all. That insufferable New England Patriots fan who sounds like that obnoxious hipster talking about craft beers. Sorry. It's hard not to come off as… condescending, I guess. (I'm doing it right now!) Insensitive? It is easy to lose perspective rooting for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. (Oops! Doing it again. Sorry!) Let's be serious, though. Undefeated? Come on! It was just one game. They scored 51 points but still. Just. One. Game. Long way to go. Winning three games won't get you anything in this league.

It's a convenient story line, I suppose. The post-scandal Eff You seasons. They did it in 2007 following Spygate. Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.

16-0-0.

For their post-Deflategate encore?

How about the Patriots just put the ball in Tom Brady's hands and see what happens?

Karma Baby

So, is it true that what goes around actually does come around (yes, all the way back around)? Does what you put out in the universe eventually come back to you seven-fold? Karma, baby. You reap what you sow.

I'm looking at you, Indianapolis Colts.

A Good Start

The New England Patriots are 2-0-0. They just dropped a 40-burger on a divisional opponent, on the road. That's the good news. The better news is the already pretty good Patriots look like they can be much, much better.
 

The Heel Turn

I am really going to be able to enjoy this?
 
Do I have a choice?
 
Perhaps more importantly, when do the Patriots break out the black jerseys?

Second Thoughts

I know. It was just one game. Way too early. Lots of football to play. A game of inches. It is what it is. We're all day to day.

Crybabies

This looks like it's going to be fun.

Not that all teams can be beaten by a little co-channel interference and a shift on the defensive line.

Pigskin Picks 2015

Time for TSCIF's fearless NFL 2015 Pigskin Prognostications!

Did I say fearless? I think I may have meant feckless…

As David Letterman used to say (sort of) these predictions are provided for entertainment purposes only; please, no wagering.

Getting Ready to Begin

The good citizens of Patriots Nation know Bill Belichick is never done working the roster. For the moment though, we have a Final 53. What does it all mean?

Seriously. Does anybody really know?

Enjoying the Moment

So, everyone hates the Patriots and thinks they're cheaters but now I don't care.

A Perfect Parabola

Quick show of hands. Who thought dealing with Dan Connolly's retirement would be a bigger problem than losing Darrelle Revis in free agency?

Anyone?

The Jimmy G Show

So…

Football!

Speaking Of

I've been way too much in my own head lately.

Speaking of…

The Real Tom Shady

You want my name.

You want my game.

You want my fame.

You want me to take the blame for mistakes that you made.

We Still Don't Know Anything

So the first preseason game has come and gone and what do we know that we didn't know already? That Tom Brady is insanely competitive? That Josh Boyce looks like Exhibit 27 in the case against Bill Belichick's ability to draft wide receivers? That preseason games aren't worth missing episode 2 of "Project Runway?" Okay. That last one is probably just me.

Camping

I've come to the realization that I either need to learn to like cantaloupe or I have to stop ordering the fruit cup. I generally like the other pieces of fruit, the grapes, strawberries, watermelon and pineapple but it seems like fully half of it is cantaloupe.

Life. You have to learn to like the cantaloupe.

A Laughing Matter

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break, I guess. That's it. It wasn't another bout of writer's block. It wasn't remitting, relapsing ennui, brought on by the end of Jon Stewart's run with the Daily Show, the realization that black lives don't matter or we wouldn't need #blacklivesmatter, that mass shootings are the new normal, that fewer people believe in science than believe in fairies, that there are bad cops and the fact there are many good cops does not negate that, that we have leaders who would rather drop a dozen nukes on Tehran than give peace a chance and since this is a republic that fact is undeniably our fault, that facts and truth don't matter when p'ositions of power are up for grabs or the fact I feel like Donald Trump has moved in with me and he just won't shut up.

I just needed a break.

Did you miss me? Anyone? Hello?

Is this thing on?

Take a Lap, Boys

Belichick being Belichick.

Wait-What?

Wasn't this about air pressure in footballs?

It Was Bisciotti All Along

Earlier this week, I saw a story that reminded me of one of my deeply held beliefs. It goes like this: Everybody thinks that everybody else thinks like them. If you're honest and forgiving, you think everybody else is honest and forgiving. If you're a liar and a cheat, you think everybody else is a liar and a cheat. If you believe everything, including you good name and reputation is transactional, you think everybody else believes that, too. Maybe that's why the NFL thinks they can "wear down" Tom Brady.

Roger Goodell (FTG) and the rest of the weasels, the swine, the closeted fascists and the greedy little hustlers in the NFL's league office may well have a price point on their mothers' lives but they are at least familiar with Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr., aren't they?

The 6th round draft pick who twice became MVP of the league and the winningest QB in NFL history? Six Super Bowl appearances, four Lombardi trophies and three Super Bowl MVP awards, author of the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history? Tied for #3 on the all-time 4th Quarter Comeback list? This is the guy they're going to "wear down?"

Why am I reminded of that moment in "Ghostbusters" when Peter Venkman turns to Ray Stanz and says, "Get her! That was your whole plan, huh?"

I Hate Reasonable People

You know who you are. You see both sides of every question. You love to play Devil's advocate. You're the worst kind of politically correct. I'm looking at you, Kevin Flanagan.

No End In Sight

There was a brief moment last week when it seemed we might hear from Roger Goodell (FTG) on Tom Brady's appeal. Then it didn't happen. The latest consensus from the gridiron cognoscenti is the end of July.

Followed by Brady and the NFLPA taking Goodell to court.

Why Does God Care So Much About Russell Wilson

Will Russell Wilson's contract situation be a distraction? How much money does God want Russell Wilson to have?

Does Anything Other Than Gravity Matter?

It wasn't really a revelation so much as a recognition. Writer's block is all about fear of failure, of being judged and found to be wanting. I'm not sure it helped. Yes, I'm writing but I read that quote about writer's block three days ago. I'm still pausing an agonizingly long time between sentences even now. I know you, gentle reader, can't tell but it just happened again, between this sentence and the last one. I promised myself I wasn't going to be one of those millions of others with a blog, writing about nothing but themselves, proving on a daily basis they really didn't understand the characters and story lines that are woven like coarse threads through their own lives but here I am, it seems, writing about myself without the slightest of insights. I'm lazy, vain, near-sighted, insecure, increasingly aware of my own mortality and I'm subject to the laws of gravity.

I've got it better than 99% of the people on this planet and I still find time to feel sorry for myself.

I do feel it; the fear of failure, of being judged and found to be wanting.

But enough about me (and possibly you).

Tom Brady, Robert Kraft, Roger Goodell and Ted Wells walk into a bar…

Untrue Believers

When was I transported to a parallel universe where Christians are hateful, intolerant, armed and dangerous assholes? Maybe it's always been this way and I just didn't get it. When I was a child, I thought as a child, I guess.

Scripting Roger

The consensus amongst the gridiron cognoscenti is that Roger Goodell (FTG) won't be announcing his decision on Tom Brady's Deflategate appeal any time soon. No doubt he has his speech writers working overtime on that announcement as he clearly has some serious tap-dancing to do around the tattered Wells Report and the grudging acknowledgement by pigskin pundits and bobbleheads that the NFL was out to get the Patriots and Tom Brady. Perhaps worse for The Commish and his cronies is the fact they will soon have to face the wrath of the rest of the pigskin world for boning it so badly once Brady and the NFLPA have their day in Federal Court. This is a circle I'm not sure Goodell can square. He's probably better off with a press release than a stand up.

I have no idea what he will say but here's what I'd recommend…

Deflategate Ennui

I've gotten to the point where I see the link, a link designed to make me click because it either elicits a knee-jerk reaction of outrage or sparks a glimmer of hope the NFL will finally awake from its fever dream of a world where the New York Jets are playing the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, but I just can't bring myself to move the cursor over it and click. Call it Deflategate ennui.

Hearts or Minds

A frightening number of Americans are science deniers. Evolution? Just a theory. Climate Change? God hugging his favorite planet just a little tighter. Dinosaurs? Jesus ponies!

The Ideal Gas Law?

Should I be really be surprised that so many people believe in their hearts that Tom Brady cheated?

Especially the ones riding Jesus ponies. I probably shouldn't have counted on them.

Hey, anybody got a cigarette? I'm thinking of taking up smoking. I hear it's like totally safe.

Send Out The Clowns

The circus came to town today and that's always fun. Except for the clowns. I mean, how do they all fit in that little car? It's unnerving. And what's with the sad-face makeup? I wish I hadn't mentioned that. I'm going to have a hard time going to sleep tonight.

Anyway, isn't it time we got down to business?

On Further Review...

Why does the NFL have coach's challenge and official review?

To get it right.

Why can't the same principle apply to the Wells Report?

Trying To Get Better

So, lately I came across a couple of references to the fact Rob Gronkowski wasn't coming off rehab for the first time in several years. He felt great. It was only shorts and shells but Gronk absolutely dominated mini-camp. Could this be Gronkowski's best year ever – better than his 2011 season of 90 catches, 1,327 yards and 17 touchdowns? (17!) Let's say he had an Elvis Year, 20% better than those career numbers: 108 catches, 1,592 yards and 20 touchdowns. (20!)

Those are crazy numbers but somehow they're not crazy when we're talking about a healthy, 26-year old, Star Lord of tight ends Rob Gronkowski. Remember, even in his slow to get started, 15-game 2014 season Gronkowski put up an 82 catch, 1,124 yards, 12 TD stat line.

He's at the very peak of his inimitable powers.

He's ready to smash and dash.

The Big Gronkowski.

Hope Floats Like A Butterfly

Hope is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny ha-ha. Or maybe both. Boldly stating that Aaron Dobson can provide a legitimate deep threat as some kind of mojo inducing incantation may have your friends saying, "Really? Do we even need a deep threat? We just won a Super Bowl, you know. Are you drunk right now?" but if you think out loud that Josh Boyce could start in the slot over Danny Amendola and be a YAC machine well that's hilarious.

And, okay, I am a little drunk right now.

Still Waiting for the Outrage

I think comparing the Wells Report to a steaming pile of shit is an insult to actual piles of shit. There are commercial uses for piles of shit, after all.

Perhaps the NFL should sue Ted Wells for the $5m they paid him instead of fining the Patriots and suspending Tom Brady.

Do It For The Kids

I'm sorry I've been even more emotionally distant than usual. Maybe it's the black flies or maybe the apocalyptically high levels of white pine pollen. Maybe it's mortality looming on the horizon. Maybe it's Deflategate Fatigue. Sometimes you forget. Life may be miserable but it's still better than the alternatives. I need put that on a t-shirt. With a picture of Godzilla spitting radioactive fire at a tank.

Rambling Rationalization

Vickie and I had a wonderful dinner last Sunday with long-time friends Steve and Kathy. Delicious food. I broke the two martini rule. It's more of a guideline, really. As they fellow citizens of Patriots Nation, we naturally spent a good amount of time in alcohol-fueled discussions of Deflategate. We all agreed with Steve that saying Roger Goodell's name is like a game of Marco Polo, only instead of "Polo" the correct response is "Fuck that guy."

We can never forgive the man who, for reasons that can only be described as petty, spiteful, self-aggrandizing, venal, vile, villainous, arbitrary, feckless and despicable, did everything in his power to destroy the reputation of Tom Brady.

Fuck that guy.

Wonderland

"…it is still amazing to me that Goodell has presided over a situation that has irreparably damaged the legacy and reputation of one of the greatest quarterbacks and ambassadors in the history of the game, relying on the anything-but-definitive Wells report in doing so, while failing to take any accountability from a league perspective for creating a swirling mess."

-Mike Reiss

I like "swirling mess." It conjures up the image of an overflowing toilet.

Taking No Pigskin Prisoners

Deflategate is already in Bill Belichick's rear view. Tom Brady hasn't missed a workout while dealing with his appeal. It may be true that no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills but it's clear that nobody compartmentalizes off the field distractions like the Patriots.

This is starting to remind me of 2007. I guess the big question is, who's the Randy Moss of 2015?

It's Just A Game, Isn't It?

It seems that most of Patriots Nation was willing to die on Deflategate Hill and they're wicked pissed Robert Kraft gave the order to stand down.

Everything is Forever

That's it, I guess. Nothing left but to own it.

Pigskin Life As We Are Generally Aware Of It

Aaron Dobson's hamstring? Anyone?

Unintended Consequences

With Roger Goodell naming himself as the fair and impartial arbiter for Tom Brady's appeal, my early optimism regarding Brady playing all 16 regular season games has shouted "Abracadabra!", thrown a flash bomb at its feet and vanished through a trap door, center stage.

PSI DGAF

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did the groundhog really predict three more months of Deflategate? That seems cruel, even by rodent standards.

Guilty by Proxy

So, let me get this straight. The New England Patriots are guilty because Spygate. And Tom Brady is guilty because he's an arrogant prick.

Okay…

The Tyranny of Cowards

After more than a week of reading various pieces deconstructing, ridiculing and metaphorically shredding the Wells Report on Deflategate, I have to say, I didn't see this coming.

We're not done, yet, of course. My understanding is that the Patriots cannot appeal the fine or the loss of draft picks but Tom Brady will appeal his suspension.

Infamy

"We're mad scientists, monsters. You've got to own it."

-      Tony Stark, "Avengers: Age of Ultron"

Why did this remind me of Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots? I wonder…

Feeling Deflated

I don't think there's anything I could add to Robert Kraft's statement, so I'll leave it at that.

Well, there is this, I suppose.

And so begins my two week media blackout.

See you May 21st.

All Apologies

"The Patriots have so far gone undisciplined for their role in Deflategate…"

-      from BleacherReport's Deflategate Investigation: Latest Details, Comments, Reaction

For people who use words for a living, going with "so far gone undisciplined" instead of "yet to be found guilty of wrongdoing" tells me everything I need to know about their not-so-hidden agenda.

I'm Looking At You

Despite the usual Belichickian flourishes, the consensus amongst the gridiron cognoscenti is that New England put together a solid 2015 draft class. Undrafted free agents have been signed and while anything can happen in this crazy world, I think what you see today is pretty much what we'll see in September.

Thinking About The Future By Looking At What Happened Yesterday

When all was said and done, it was a classic Bill Belichick draft.

We Can Only Guess What Happens Next

It wouldn't be the NFL draft without Bill Belichick doing something that makes Mel Kiper, Jr.'s hair catch on fire. Not literally, of course.

What The What?

What just happened? Did the Patriots just pick a Top 15 talent at #32? 

By 11:00pm, it seemed a who's who of players linked to the Patriots were off the board. The much mocked Florida State offensive lineman Cameron Erving had been drafted by the Cleveland Browns at #19 and secret object of desire WR Nelson Agholor was taken with the very next pick by the Philadelphia Eagles. 

Both were long shots to make it to #32, anyway. 

Hybrid SS/LB Shaq Thompson, who I'd seen mocked to the Patriots at #64, was selected by the Carolina Panthers at #25. Maybe Thompson is the next Troy Polamalu? 

The Dallas Cowboys took super-freak CB Byron Jones at #27 (he reminded me too much of Ras-I Dowling, anyway) and the Detroit Lions took OG Laken Tomlinson at #28 (after trading down, I think). The Patriots were supposed to trade down from #32 to take Tomlinson somewhere in the top half of the 2nd round and the Lions were supposed to take a DT to fill the gaping Ndamukong Suh-sized hole in their defensive line so you'd have to call the Tomlinson pick something of a surprise.

Speaking of surprises...

Malcom Brown? Malcom Brown.

When do the Patriots announce they've re-signed Dan Connolly?

The End of the Big Wait has Begun

The 2015 NFL Draft – our pigskin winter of discontent made glorious summer – is tomorrow night. Whatever Belichick does in the draft, whether he trades down or trades up or sticks and picks I know one thing for certain.

No wait.

I don't.

My bad.

So anyway…

More Mockery

I generally have problems with what the mockers do to the Patriots in their drafts. I know I should let it go. They're called mock drafts for a reason, I suppose. Most pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have to look at New England and think, who knows what Belichick will do, anyway? Still, when they mock the Pats taking a wide receiver with small hands and off-the-field issues or a defensive tackle whose curriculum vitae includes back surgery and references to an inconsistent motor and the next player off the board is an offensive lineman who was a team captain who put up 25+ reps on the bench press and a sub-7.5 second 3-Cone Drill, I can't help but scratch my head.

This recent 7-round mock on NFL.com was – in some ways – a pleasant surprise. In other ways? My head still hurts from all that scratching.

The Face of the Franchise

Will the sexual assault suit filed against Jameis Winston affect his draft status?

Why is this even a question?

Why the Wells Report is Taking so Long

Day 80-something. I've lost track. I'm out of water. I ran out of food days ago. I've torn my t-shirt into strips. Are there any nutrients in cotton? It's probably a blend so maybe whatever it's blended with has some nutritional value. I hope so. I really wish I'd paid more attention in that freshman zoology class now. I'll tell you this. No matter how long you leave a football in the refrigerator, yes, it gets softer but it's still completely inedible, even with ketchup.

The questions remain, however, even as a fever burns in my starving brain. Why is the Deflategate investigation taking so long?

Three Cones in Sub-7

You can't expect the Patriots to draft on the basis of need – at least not the narrow “Day 1 starter this year at the X position because we lost player Z to free agency” definition of need (and you know who I’m talking about). Look no farther than Bill Belichick’s first two picks in the 2014 draft; a defensive tackle coming off a second ACL tear unlikely to contribute in his rookie year and a QB of the Far, Far Away Future.

Still, we know – or have strong opinions about – what New England needs to make a run at back-to-back Lombardi Trophies…

Ten Weeks On

The NFL has adjudicated Textgate and Noisegate but still no word on Deflategate or Tampergate. Should we expect an answergate any time soongate?

The Charmed Life of T.E. Brady

After winning his fourth Super Bowl and third Super Bowl MVP he was due for a little down time, vacationing in Costa Rica with the impossibly cute kids and his stunning super model wife, a little surf and sand, cliff-diving, golfing and balling with MJ…

You hate him 'cause you ain't him.

Dull Pitchforks and Unlit Torches

The long-awaited Wells Report on the Ideal Gas Law is bound to disappoint, much like other long-awaited events, like Chinese Democracy or the new Paul Blart Mall Cop movie. We wait and we wait and we wait and after a while it doesn’t even matter. Whatever it is, it will never live up to our expectations. I can't even tell you how much I'm dreading that X-Files reboot.

Little Brother, A Play in One Act

Jets: Ha! I can file tampering charges, too! I'm going to file tampering charges every time you say anything! I don't even care if you don't make a forward-looking statement.

Patriots: You know, I might stop treating you like a little brother if you stopped acting like one. A petty, whining little brother. We're actually the same age, you know.

Jets: That's tampering! Tamperiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg! Hey! Stop! Don't stick me in the closet. Again. Oh, man!

Patriots: I'm late for my pedicure. I'll let you out right afterwards. And then I'll kick your ass. Again. Bye now.

Rules for Dummies

The NFL does realize they're admitting Bill Belichick is the smartest guy in the room, don't they?

Rules for Rich People

New York Daily News scribe Manish Mehta's recent "Petty Patriots" post seemed to get the locals post-St. Patrick's day Irish up. I must admit, I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm not sure why I should care what anyone in NYC has to say about the Patriots or their fans. Even as a Patriots' fan I'm loathe to personalize the mewling protestations of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads from everywhere west of the Connecticut river. On the other hand, Mehta's column certainly deserves deconstruction, Fire Joe Morgan-style…

Invinceable

Bill Belichick got rid of the best offensive lineman he ever coached and the Patriots went on to win the Super Bowl.

Now he's gotten rid of the best defensive lineman he ever coached. So, Super Bowl?

Speculating

It seems the good citizens of Patriots Nation have lost their collective shit. Suddenly, the football players on the New England roster – the team that just won the Super Bowl – aren't any good, at least not as good as all the football players on the rosters of the Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins and New York Jets. Those teams have all taken a step up and the Patriots have taken a step down. In case you forgot, they were lucky to win the Super Bowl. They're doomed. Might as well not even show up because why bother? Even the most optimistic of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads believe the Pats will struggle to win the AFC East in 2015. Super Bowl 50? Don't even go there. Don't even. Don't.

The good news? There isn't another franchise in the NFL that plays better with a chip on their shoulder than the New England Patriots.

Jumping to Conclusions on the Dark Side of the Moon

The locals have sounded like that friend of yours who got dumped by that girl he thought was the one but you knew she was way out of his league and it was only a matter of time. Yes, she was beautiful, smart, had good sense of humor but she was kind of expensive, liked going out to expensive restaurants, seeing a show and you know he maxed out two or three credit cards buying her jewelry and perfume and those sunglasses she really liked. Then she dumped him. She was getting back together with her ex. Now he won't shut up about her. He keeps saying stupid shit about how if he'd proposed when he had the chance that they'd be happily ever after.

No.

That was never going to happen. Throw out all those Maroon 5 CDs she made you buy. Get drunk. Throw up. Look into debt consolidation options. I think that girl in accounts receivable is interested. No, she isn't as pretty as that conniving bitch that just kicked you in the nuts but she looks kind of cute and she hates Maroon 5 (I asked).

It's over. Time to move on already.

Some News is Good News

Wow. That escalated quickly.

Lacking Clarity

Clarity is almost always in short supply. Perhaps it's because our brains crave it. We can never get enough of it. Even when we have a pant load of clarity we want more. Our brains have a primeval need to make sense of things.

Of course, you should always be careful what you wish for. We could have a whole lot of clarity shortly after 4:00pm this coming Tuesday.

Hope Takes the Early Lead

It's never easy being a Patriots fan. The latest update on Darrelle Revis? There is no update. If Bill Belichick had been Secretary of State, nobody would even know what his email address was (nobody alive, anyway).

"We're on to Iran."

What does that even mean?

Big Vince

We saw it coming. The math was simple. We've seen this movie before. Still, it's a sad day in Patriots Nation. Godspeed, Big Vince.

Pigskin Apocalypse

Okay, I understand what I'm about to do is one of the reasons why Pats fans are so loathed by other fan bases.

I actually saw somebody ask the question. If New England loses Revis and McCourty, why not trade Brady? Just blow it up and start over.

Strangely enough, I can't help considering it.

Let me just say I hope Tom Brady retires a Patriots. I will also observe that after nearly 15 years of sustained excellence, blowing it up just doesn't sound like Bill Belichick. Unlike myself, he doesn't seem like a personality driven by unreasoning fear and dread. He might lose both Revis and McCourty but "Oh well, let's trade Brady!" doesn't seem like the next move Belichick would make.

Or does it? Deep down, we have to admit we have no idea what Bill Belichick will do.

So let's roll with the pigskin apocalypse.

Let's say Revis and McCourty walk and let's say Belichick decides to clean house. He trades Brady to Tampa Bay for the #1 pick in 2015 (and something totally random like a 3rd round pick 2016 and a 2nd in 2017). He trades or releases Wilfork. He clears cap space with an axe. When he's done he's got enough cheddar to sign Ndamukong Suh and he does. He has enough left over for Mike Iupati and Jabaal Sheard. Belichick trades the #1 pick to the Browns for the 12th and 19th picks in this year's draft (and more mid-round picks this year and next. I know, I'm getting dizzy!) Belichick could do just about anything at this point. Trading one of those 1st rounders for more picks in the 2nd and 3rd is just so Bill but it's more fun if we stick and pick.

Let's say the 12 is WR Devante Parker or DE/OLB Vic Beasley or CB Jalen Collins and the 19 is NT Danny Shelton or OLB Bud Dupree or something really crazy like RB Todd Gurley. At this point, Belichick has something like three picks each in the 2nd and 3rd round. He drafts all three Florida State offensive linemen. He adds depth at all three levels of the defense and a tight end none of us have ever heard of but has a crazy good 3-cone drill time.

Add that talent to a roster that's got Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman, JoJo LaFell and LeGarrette Blount on offense and Chandler Jones, Rob Ninkovich, Dont'a Hightower and Jamie Collins. Let's say Tim Wright and Dominique Easley step up. Let's say Malcolm Butler isn't a one-hit wonder.

Let's say Jimmy Garoppolo is the next Drew Brees.

That could happen.

Or let's say the Patriots sign Revis and McCourty.

And Tom Brady wins his 5th Super Bowl and 4th Super Bowl MVP in a Patriots uniform.

Yeah. Can someone make that happen?