Scripting Roger

The consensus amongst the gridiron cognoscenti is that Roger Goodell (FTG) won't be announcing his decision on Tom Brady's Deflategate appeal any time soon. No doubt he has his speech writers working overtime on that announcement as he clearly has some serious tap-dancing to do around the tattered Wells Report and the grudging acknowledgement by pigskin pundits and bobbleheads that the NFL was out to get the Patriots and Tom Brady. Perhaps worse for The Commish and his cronies is the fact they will soon have to face the wrath of the rest of the pigskin world for boning it so badly once Brady and the NFLPA have their day in Federal Court. This is a circle I'm not sure Goodell can square. He's probably better off with a press release than a stand up.

I have no idea what he will say but here's what I'd recommend…

Deflategate Ennui

I've gotten to the point where I see the link, a link designed to make me click because it either elicits a knee-jerk reaction of outrage or sparks a glimmer of hope the NFL will finally awake from its fever dream of a world where the New York Jets are playing the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, but I just can't bring myself to move the cursor over it and click. Call it Deflategate ennui.

Hearts or Minds

A frightening number of Americans are science deniers. Evolution? Just a theory. Climate Change? God hugging his favorite planet just a little tighter. Dinosaurs? Jesus ponies!

The Ideal Gas Law?

Should I be really be surprised that so many people believe in their hearts that Tom Brady cheated?

Especially the ones riding Jesus ponies. I probably shouldn't have counted on them.

Hey, anybody got a cigarette? I'm thinking of taking up smoking. I hear it's like totally safe.

Send Out The Clowns

The circus came to town today and that's always fun. Except for the clowns. I mean, how do they all fit in that little car? It's unnerving. And what's with the sad-face makeup? I wish I hadn't mentioned that. I'm going to have a hard time going to sleep tonight.

Anyway, isn't it time we got down to business?

On Further Review...

Why does the NFL have coach's challenge and official review?

To get it right.

Why can't the same principle apply to the Wells Report?

Trying To Get Better

So, lately I came across a couple of references to the fact Rob Gronkowski wasn't coming off rehab for the first time in several years. He felt great. It was only shorts and shells but Gronk absolutely dominated mini-camp. Could this be Gronkowski's best year ever – better than his 2011 season of 90 catches, 1,327 yards and 17 touchdowns? (17!) Let's say he had an Elvis Year, 20% better than those career numbers: 108 catches, 1,592 yards and 20 touchdowns. (20!)

Those are crazy numbers but somehow they're not crazy when we're talking about a healthy, 26-year old, Star Lord of tight ends Rob Gronkowski. Remember, even in his slow to get started, 15-game 2014 season Gronkowski put up an 82 catch, 1,124 yards, 12 TD stat line.

He's at the very peak of his inimitable powers.

He's ready to smash and dash.

The Big Gronkowski.

Hope Floats Like A Butterfly

Hope is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny ha-ha. Or maybe both. Boldly stating that Aaron Dobson can provide a legitimate deep threat as some kind of mojo inducing incantation may have your friends saying, "Really? Do we even need a deep threat? We just won a Super Bowl, you know. Are you drunk right now?" but if you think out loud that Josh Boyce could start in the slot over Danny Amendola and be a YAC machine well that's hilarious.

And, okay, I am a little drunk right now.

Still Waiting for the Outrage

I think comparing the Wells Report to a steaming pile of shit is an insult to actual piles of shit. There are commercial uses for piles of shit, after all.

Perhaps the NFL should sue Ted Wells for the $5m they paid him instead of fining the Patriots and suspending Tom Brady.

Do It For The Kids

I'm sorry I've been even more emotionally distant than usual. Maybe it's the black flies or maybe the apocalyptically high levels of white pine pollen. Maybe it's mortality looming on the horizon. Maybe it's Deflategate Fatigue. Sometimes you forget. Life may be miserable but it's still better than the alternatives. I need put that on a t-shirt. With a picture of Godzilla spitting radioactive fire at a tank.