There Is No Try, Only Do Your Job

Some must win games are mustier than others.

This week's game against the Jaguars is the mustiest for the Patriots.

It Ain't Over Till, Well, You Know

We're on to Jacksonville!

Underground

Lucy Deacon noticed the young boy on the park bench.

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This

I know this is the kind of statement that makes Patriot Haters spit teeth and bleed from their eyes but I have a really hard time dealing with loss.

Until recently, it hasn't happened often enough for me to get used to it. To develop the coping mechanism necessary to get over it.

How do you do it, Jets fans?

(As a Patriots fan I'm contractually obligated to take at least one shot at the Jets whenever I talk football.)

Losing Always Hurts

The flip side of love isn't hate; it's pain.

The Pigskin Heimlich

I like to think of myself as a man of science and reason. I subscribe to the notion that momentum is a phenomena limited to physics; that "clutch" is nothing more than the typical variations in small data samples, and "choking" applies only to scenarios in which an unfortunate diner has failed to sufficiently chew that overly optimistic piece of meatloaf before attempting to swallow it. 

And yet, there are games I watch where I just know one team is going to make a play when it matters most and the other team will need the pigskin Heimlich.

Bulletin Board Material

Does it motivate professional football players to play better - or angrier, at least - when their opponent says mean things about their sister?

It is a game of emotions, after all. 

Rooting for Loss

This is the weekend of stress free football. Sort of. Just because New England is on their bye week doesn't mean there aren't games the good citizens of Patriots Nation need to worry about.

A Quick Note from the Big Man

Welcome to Your Pigskin Nightmare

I spent my Tuesday basking in the heat and occasional light of hot takes following New England's MNF win in Buffalo, as pigskin pundits and bobbleheads tried to come to grips with what had happened Monday night in Buffalo. The Patriots had run the ball, run the ball, and then run the ball some more, ultimately winning a football game played in a wind tunnel called Highmark Stadium by the score of 14-10. They threw the football exactly 3 times.

I Come Here Not To Praise Bill Belichick

The New England Patriots went to Buffalo to chew bubblegum and kick ass. 

But they forgot the bubblegum.

And the forward pass.

The Tourist Trap

 Detective Lieutenant Philip McNulty, talking to himself but talking out loud, said, "At a certain point, this has got to be bad for business."

There Are Games and Then There Are Big Games

As per usual, I am going completely nuts about something over which I have no control.

Note to Self: This is not an extinction level event.

It's just a football game.

Just Lucky, I Guess

Is there a consensus amongst pigskin pundits and bobbleheads when it comes to this team? 

Too Soon?

 Is it too soon to get excited about this 2021 New England Patriots football team?

If it is, I'm way ahead of schedule. 

Mac Jones and the Myth of the Elite QB

There has been plenty of chatter regarding Michael McCorkle "Mac" Jones; his floor and also his ceiling. Apparently, as I can best understand it, Mac Jones is a very short man living in a tiny house.

Living a Pigskin Dream

Don't pinch me, because I think I'm dreaming.

Same As It Ever Was

I've been as guilty as the next blogger for pushing the 2001 narrative as the context and framework for these 2021 Patriots but really; isn't this just the way the HC of the NEP has been rolling for the last forty years?

Unanswered Points

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

No, these aren't your older brother's Patriots. But they might just be your Dad's Patriots.

Pigskin Unpredictability

The ball does have pointy ends, after all. You don't need a Dr. Ian Malcolm to tell you that means. Can we even call them "upsets" any more? That would presume we actually have some idea of what should happen and clearly, nobody does.

Maybe that's just me. 

I'm starting to get comfortable with how little I know and not just about football. About everything. It explains a lot.

The Spaceship

"This is a bad sign," Scott Ericson said.

Something to Lose

I hate roller-coaster rides but it appears that's the ticket I bought.

What the F?

I love professional football but sometimes it feels like the game is the least important product the NFL is selling. The F does stand for football, doesn't it?

The Red Carpet

Sometimes you fall in love with an idea and no matter what you do or what you experience you can’t shake it, can’t fall out of love with it.

For Steve, walking the red carpet with Alison was that idea.

Vintage Pigskins

The New England Patriots got in the Wayback Machine on Sunday and spun the dial back to 2001.

Identity Football

I don't know why I should care, but when pigskin pundits and bobbleheads talk smack about my pigskin heroes, it makes me so mad. I mean, maybe my baby is ugly, but, get my baby's name out of your mouth!

The First Step is to Stop Digging

I don't know about you, but I really needed that.

Say, "It was only the Jets." Go ahead. 

Quicksand

"You just need to relax," Alison said. "I'm going for a run. Why don't you take a break and come along?" She smiled. "I'll pace myself so you can keep up."

Pigskin Spinning

Every so often, I forget that I don't know as much about football as Bill Belichick does.

I'm not the only one.

Football is a Double Agent

I was surprised by how much this one hurt. 

It hurt bad. Wicked bad.

This is one of those times where the phrase "there's still a lot of football left" doesn't make me feel better. It makes me wonder how much more of it I can take.

The Pirate Ship

 Captain Jane Shackleton, commanding the container ship Miranda, no longer needed her binoculars to track the phenomena approaching her ship. "Captain," Ensign Tom Waterman said, "We're picking up something big in that squall. On a direct intercept course at… 40 knots." 

It's big enough to hide a battleship, Shackleton thought.

Fatalistic Football

The Patriots are 2-3-0. They absolutely could be 3-2-0. They should've won the opener against Miami. I mean, you've seen the Dolphins, right? They're 1-4-0 with a -75 point differential. That's worse than the Jets. (The Jets! Always good for perspective on the Fujita Sucking Scale.) In fact, (well, okay, fan fiction), the Patriots could be 4-1-0 if Nick Folk's 56-yard field goal attempt had been just about 8" to the left. Instead, they lost by just two points to the defending Super Bowl champions and some guy named Tom.

All Wins Are Equal in the Standings

It's never a good sign when you're thinking, if they're losing this one, then maybe they should just tank; maybe a Top 5 draft pick would be worth the confusion, sadness, and pain I'm feeling right now. 

I know, I know. Twenty years of unprecedented, sustained success I need to get over myself but this regressing to the mean stuff, I mean, am I going to get nineteen more years of this? 

The Cap, the Depth Chart, and the Injury Report

The conclusion to the Stephon Gilmore story in New England reminds us once again; everything ends badly or else it wouldn't end.

The Orchard

Rachael thought the "Scooby Gang" thing had run its course but she did her best to hide her annoyance with Scott. He was such a puppy dog and you have to be patient with puppy dogs. "Well," she said. "I'd have to go with Velma."

The Good, The Bad (and the Beauty Challenged)

In retrospect, Tom Brady's return to Foxborough played out exactly the way we all should've known it would. Bill being Bill, making things ugly, and Tom being Tom, somehow finding a way to win.

Sometimes Knowing Doesn't Make a Difference

So now we know what should've been obvious all along. Tom Brady wanted to sign with the San Francisco 49ers, the team of his childhood hero, playing in a stadium close to his parents. By extension, we also know who the mofo is that Brady referred to in The Shop. Jimmy GQ. 

Jedi Football

Does Darth Hoodie have one more Jedi mind trick left to play?

Neverland

Eric MacKenzie, CEO of MKZ Pharma, noticed the island first as a dull spot in the distance - a broken mirror in an ocean of mirrors reflecting the mid-morning sun. "How much longer?" he shouted. The pilot's voice crackled in his headset. "Fifteen minutes. Twenty tops." MacKenzie sat back in his seat, checked his watch, and tugged the seat belt and shoulder restraints tighter. He hated flying. Or rather, he feared crashing. The frequency of the risk was low but - no pun intended or hoped for - the impact was high and potentially tragic. 

The Return of the Not So Prodigal Son

Like most things in life, it doesn't really help that we all saw this coming, does it?

Still a Lot of Football Left to Play

I spent a thoroughly disagreeable afternoon yesterday watching football. At least, I think it was football. They were dressed like football players. But what they were doing wasn't anything I've seen professional football players do for more than twenty years. 

Is this how Jets fans feel?

It's Complicated

The New England Patriots may not be looking past this Sunday's game with the New Orleans Saints but the same cannot be said for local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads. There's really nothing else they want to talk about but Tom Brady's return to Foxborough, when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers come to town October 3rd, 2021. 

Can you blame them?

The Mechanic's Shop

The four men in charcoal grey suits, with thin black ties and pork pie hats, walked into Jake's Car Works, each one carrying a briefcase. They approached the service desk counter where they were greeted by the owner himself, Jake Weatherbee, a tall, lean man with strong, callused hands and a face was all eyebrows and mustache.

Not A Lighthouse

 He had made his way to the coast, to the lighthouse at Cape Hatteras. The house and the grounds were empty. This was hardly a surprise. Raleigh was a ghost town, stinking of the dead, of uncollected garbage, of rotting food in empty stores. There were a few survivors, like himself, but he just couldn't think of himself as lucky. He had seen too much death and still feared for his own. Was it crazy to think he was being watched? Was anything crazy in this insane world? Maybe the truth itself was crazy. Knowing the truth. How had he been left to save the world? He didn't know but he had made it this far and as long as he had life, he would hold onto hope...

Sort of Kind of Okay

I can't remember the last time I felt happy after a Patriots loss. Okay, happy probably isn't the right word but I don't feel down, dismayed, disheartened. All right, yes, like most human beings I'm an overseasoned, overcooked stew of emotions. So, yeah, a tablespoon or two of sadness, to taste (it's salty). Maybe I should let Happy Me and Sad Me explain New England's 17-16 loss to Miami.

The Karaoke Bar

"I think the new guy has a secret identity," Janet said.

Enjoy the Movie

Power rankings. Projected win totals. Division winners. Playoffs. Super Bowl LVI. Going way out on a limb to predict Patrick Mahomes will win MVP. Pigskin prognostications abound in the run up to the 2021 NFL season. Then Week 1 happens and as with all human endeavors, we are once again reminded that we don't know anything.

Maybe that's a good thing.

The Jurassic Age

"Can you believe this 'Adam and Eve' nonsense?" Dr. Jackson Firestone took a bite of his avocado toast and a sip of coffee. "I didn't think this world could get any more delusional but I have clearly miscalculated."

Burn the Ships

Bill Belichick pulled a Cortez on roster cutdown day. 

Recasting the Patriots

We've reached that point in the preseason where Pats Fans face those questions for which the answers could have a season-defining impact. Questions like, Should the Patriots keep 5 defensive tackles or 6?

The Iceberg

 Lieutenant Florence Franklin pulled back the hood of her parka as she returned to the bridge from the observation deck to report to Captain Katrina Townsend. "I know this is going to sound crazy, Captain." She paused. "There's something on that iceberg off the port bow."

Feeling Pretty Good

I know I should pump the brakes for all the obvious reasons (preseason, Joe Flacco, who played/who didn't, and, of course, Joe Flacco) but following the Patriots 35-0 win over the Eagles, I feel a bit like Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China, in the elevator scene after drinking the magic potion. I feel pretty good.

The Henhouse

Henrietta Hen shook out her feathers and clucked. It was morning. The sky was clear and blue. Today was the day. It would be a good day, Henrietta clucked.

Jonesing

 Young Tom Brady? Sure, why not? Hey, no pressure, kid.

The Grocery Store

Steven K lay on the couch in Dr. Ash Granger's office, recounting a dream. "It's like every night this past week. I'm at the grocery store and I'm shopping. Stock boys are putting goods on the shelves, other people are shopping. They smile as we pass each other. Their carts are full of food and household goods and I see some of them lined up to check out but I'm pushing an empty cart. Up and down the aisles. I'm checking items on the shelves, but I don't buy anything. But here's the weird part," he said.

The Fortune Teller's Shop

Detective Lieutenant Scott Truman looked on as Police Sergeant Zane Stillman took pictures of the body of the dead woman on the floor. He looked out of the small back room through the doorway to the store front window of Lady Vadoma's Fortune Emporium. "You'd think she would've seen this coming," he said.

The Trip to Egypt

"Post hoc ergo propter hoc," Glenn said. "Though I think I prefer the more colloquial, if less technically correct, 'correlation is not causation'."

NFL Fascination Rankings

I'll leave the power rankings to the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads. For me, the NFL is simply the best TV on TV, an annual miniseries with a narrative that turns on a dime, full of Emmy-worthy star turns in both lead and supporting roles, almost weekly reversals of fortune and heroic comebacks, a six month quest for the one true diamond-studded ring, with finales that both captivate and disappoint - depending on your geography and rooting interests.

So, here are my initial NFL Fascination Rankings for 2021…

The Desert

It's hot, was the first thing that Steve thought. And I have sand in my mouth. Why do I have sand in my mouth? Steve's head hurt. Steve's everything hurt. 

The Chessboard

 Glenn congratulated Roberto and smiled as he reset the chessboard. Winning isn't everything, he thought.

That was now. This is then... 

Not Wild About Harry

It's been a while since we've seen this kind of crazy in Foxborough.

The Boat

The boat rolled with the lapping swell at the edge of the lake, oars still in the water. 

Edelman Forever

Julian Edelman's 4th of July Instagram post as Evel Knievel had me thinking again about his HOF cred and prompted me to revisit his incredible 2018 playoff run.

The Cult of Aaron

Good to know the haters are still out there. 

The Bradbury 52 Assumption

"Write a short story every week. It's not possible to write 52 bad short stories in a row."

-Ray Bradbury

The Art Gallery

The old man sat with a large portfolio of sketch paper and a small wooden box of charcoals, pastels, and knives on the bench next to him. 

Spiders

The Internet is a magical place where you can be looking for one thing when you stumble on to a video of a chicken killing and eating a spider.

Best. Spider. Movie. Ever.

Thinly Veiled

A figure that looked like Jimmy Edison stood on a small ridge of wind-blown sand near an untended hedge of rosa rugosa. It was high tide and the crashing of the surf sounded like laughter, like the ocean and the sky and the world was chuckling, snickering, guffawing at some cruel but irresistible joke. Jimmy Edison's partially eaten dead body lay face down in the wet sand just a few feet away with two local police officers crouched over it. 

Shrodinger's Football

 The NFL. 

It's just like us. 

We've got guns. We get shot by guns. Uncle Carl is gay. That guy who got the job we wanted? Yeah. That guy. "Motherf--ker."

Fear of Drowning

I share one thing with the Hollywood outlaw, The Sundance Kid. I can't swim.

No, wait. Two things. If they made a movie of my life I'd be played by whoever the young Robert Redford is today. Brad Pitt?

Okay, okay. I share one thing with The Sundance Kid. 

Perchance to Dream

After a long night of tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable, can't stop thinking about that thing you said (or did), and finally falling asleep just before the alarm went off, the last thing you want to see when you open up your browser that morning is a link that seems just a little too spot on:

Poor sleep linked to dementia and early death, study finds.

Like I needed scientists to tell me this.

Pigskin Slut

I am a pigskin slut. Still a Patriots' fan, yes, but I just can't quit Tom Brady.

Maddening

Can anything stop Tom Brady? 

How about a good old fashioned curse?

Mortal Manners

Observation: Never make an apology at a funeral.

Best Actor in a Quarterbacking Role

The NFL is like the most successful movie franchise in the history of everything. Every year, another sequel, another box office smash, followed by another sequel the next year. There's conflict, back story, subplots, adversity, and triumph. Not everybody likes the ending but they have hope - even in Detroit - their heroes may be featured in the final frames of next season's Best Picture winner. There are plenty of opportunities for star turns in supporting roles but let's state the obvious: The quarterbacks are the leads, the nominees for Best Actor, and the focus of our vicarious, sepia-toned dreams. 

Star Power

 Will Aaron Rodgers play another snap for the Green Bay Packers?

I hope not.

I get that it's professional football. It's a job like any other that pays you in millions, and you don't have to love something just because you do it well, but…

Seriously dude; why are you playing football?

Cryptic

I'm reminded that Sir Isaac Newton wasn't knighted for his many contributions to science and apple picking; he became Sir Isaac because of his work standardizing Great Britain's currency.

Money. We've always thought it was more important than gravity. Or math. Or the universe.

How many bitcoin in a shilling? Or is that how many shillings in a bitcoin?

Strangers

Did some people have mothers who didn't tell them, "Don't talk to strangers?"

Monster Lovers

I feel like I'm a little bit late to this party - it seems so obvious now - but have you noticed how in every monster movie ever made there's always one character (more often than not the mad scientist to blame for whatever it was that happened in Act 1) who wants to save the monster? They want to stop the shrinking number of humans involved in the narrative from killing it, figure out some way to communicate with it, study it, reanimate the flesh of a dead woman to provide the monster with a mate, maybe move it to a small farm in upstate Vermont.

I'm more of a nuke the site from orbit kind of guy.

Past as Polaroid

Science has developed technology that will allow human beings to see 11 billion years into the past.

Crazy Real

Crazy is its own reality.

We Always Need the Rain

Drunk with the storm

The trees

Full of green

Bend and sway in the wind

As if choreographed by Twyla Tharp

Soft then sharp

The leaves make jazz hands

Connected then separate then connected

Partners then soloists then partners again

Birds take shelter

Puffed out balls of feathers 

In the broken flower pots

That sit in the corner of the back porch

The birdfeeder is empty

Rain water rattles through the gutters

Unheard by the sullen birds

A voice says, "We need the rain"

We always need the rain

It gives the trees a chance to dance

The Zoetrope Joke

A time machine appears outside the blacksmith's shop in 1880 Portsmouth. The Blacksmith stops his work, resting his hammer on the anvil and watches as three people exit the time machine; a Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Indian Chief.

My War With Chipmunks

Ironically, "Chip and Dale" were two of my childhood favorite cartoon characters.

Classic 50s "Chip and Dale;" not the lame "Rescue Rangers" reboot.

Now all I can do is wonder how such loathsome, thieving rodents could ever have been made to look cute. Damn you, Walt Disney!

Historical Arguments

If I was a historian, I think I'd be asking myself, "Am I just wasting my time?"

It was said, by someone much smarter than me, that "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." You would think that would make history and historians pretty important and yet, historians appear to be the Cassandra of academics. 

The Dude Entanglement

The Dude abides.

There are movies that I can watch - will watch - any time I happen upon them, regardless of where it is in the narrative. These aren't "I missed the beginning" movies. These are repeated experience "I love this movie" movies.  "The Big Lebowski" is one of those movies. 

Really Real

Is reality so complex, so multifaceted, such a large data sample that it's impossible to tell it from even a poorly constructed fiction?

Or are people just stupid?

I suppose it could be both. 

That's How The Movie Starts

Jimmy was having a bad day.

An Immodest Proposal

I think I have a solution for America's embattled police departments.

Kill some white people.

Hear me out...

Shall I Compare Thee to a Holocaust?

Some things, some people, some historical events should never be used for comparison. 

Best in Cheese

I make the best grilled cheese sandwiches. 

It's been said. By everyone who has ever had one of my grilled cheese sandwiches.

So… Who am I to disagree?

Connections

I'm guessing that "six degrees" thing works for a lot more than just Kevin Bacon.

2184

Is being abducted by aliens really that different than going to Heaven? In both cases, you slip the surly bonds of earth and leave your careworn life behind. No job to go to; no bills to pay. I mean, unless the aliens return you for the deposit. (They probed you for intelligence and found nothing. Hey! That's not where I keep my brain!)  Like the power company is going to believe you were late making your payment because you had a close encounter that took you on a joy ride around the belt of Orion...

Huh. What if Jesus was an alien?

Regression

Are we regressing to the mean or are we flying off on some new variance from the norm to a place that may be wonderful - or terrifying?

Someone should ask the driver.

Someone is driving this metaphoric bus, right?

No?

Death a la Carte

South Carolina has added the death by firing squad option to the menu for condemned prisoners. You know, when they're out of the veal.

Fear

Fear, greed, and fear; the three basic human emotions.

-Pretty sure I'm quoting Hawkeye Pierce from the M*A*S*H TV series; can't believe it didn't make the IMDB Quotes page. 

Hero or Villain

At this point, the biopic of Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. would have to be a trilogy, wouldn't it? Or maybe a long-form, 12-part series on HBO Max.

How many Brady's are we going to need? Childhood Brady, Michigan Brady, First 3 Super Bowls Brady, Wandering the Wilderness (the two losses to the Giants) Brady, the Paterfamilias (and 4 more Super Bowl wins) Brady.

Luckily, Hollywood is full of handsome men of all ages. 

Grown Ups

I've started to wonder, do human beings ever "grow up?"

Hope or Nope

My wife and I will get our second dose of the Moderna vaccine today. 

Unintended Consequences

Has there ever been a novel with more resonance than Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein”?