Rivals

The Jets. I hear "the Jets" and I immediately think of that moment in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when Indiana Jones looks down into the chamber that holds the Ark of the Covenant and says, "Snakes. Why does it always have to be… Snakes."

When all the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads were saying it's going to be the Dolphins or maybe even the Bills I should've known... 

It's always the Jets.

 

So, recent history tells us this Sunday's game with the Jets will be close. Is there a home field advantage in this series? I'm too lazy to Google it. Maybe later. Anecdotally, it feels like each game of this rivalry appears to have little respect for what has gone before and no apparent bearing on what will follow. Each game is its own universe. An epic chapter in a pigskin saga as enduring and incestuous and embarrassingly fascinating as to seem more like an Eli Roth movie than a simple football game.

Rivalry games like Jets-Patriots are tough to predict but I'm a "glass half full" kind of guy (no, seriously) so I'm going to see if I can come up with a…

Top 10 Ways I'd Like to See the Pats Beat the Jets

#10 – Malcolm Butler wins the game with a Pick 6. It's late in the 4th quarter. It's been a shootout and Ryan Fitzpatrick has been matching Tom Brady (almost) pass for pass. He's thrown for 350 yards and four TD passes and counting. He's driving the Bills for what would've been the game-winning score when that little voice inside Ryan Fitzpatrick's head tells him, "You can make that throw!" Butler jumps the route and takes it to the house. Shot of Darrelle Revis on the Jets sideline. Game over.

#9 – Dominique Easley has his coming out party. Is the second-year player all the way back from two ACL injuries? He had his best game as a pro last week against the Colts. It's time to seize the spotlight. Easley has a forced fumble and fumble recovery, two sacks and four tackles for loss, completely disrupts the line of scrimmage, seemingly spending more time in the Jets backfield than his own huddle as the Patriots defense keeps the Jets out of the end zone, giving up just three field goals.

#8 – The Patriots score twice on special teams. Amendola takes a punt return to the house and somebody crazy like Logan Ryan blocks a punt that turns into six for the good guys. I love big plays in the kicking game. They still call it football.

#7 – Steven Gostkowski kicks seven field goals and the Patriots win 21-20 as the Ghost converts the game-winner from the 40s as time expires. Talk about nut punch. The Jets basically throttle the vaunted Patriots offense, refusing to allow a touchdown and still they lose as Gostkowski is perfect on the day. You thought you won. Then someone punched you in the pork and beans. Yeah, that's me you hear laughing.

#6 – Rob Ninkovich, Chandler Jones and Jamie Collins lead the Patriots to a single-game record number of sacks. I start to feel sorry for Ryan Fitzpatrick midway through the 3rd quarter and then I realize. That's crazy. What was I thinking?

#5 – LeGarrette Blount runs for over 200 yards as the Patriots challenge the Jets impressive front seven and win the day. Belichick and McDaniels trust their patchwork offensive line to win at the point of attach and Blount breaks off several long runs, scoring three times. He trucks Revis on one of those runs, electrifying Gillette Stadium in the process as the sound made by the crowd is reported to be heard as far away as Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

#4 – Devin McCourty defends the wall, forcing two fumbles and intercepting a pass in the end zone to blunt a potential game-winning touchdown. McCourty is everywhere, racking up 10+ tackles and three passes defensed. He gives a master class in playing the safety position, looking to be worth every penny of that big fat contract.

#3 – The Jets self-destruct, committing unforced errors at a statistically improbable and undeniably hilarious rate. It makes the Butt Fumble game look deserving of a "good effort, good try." I run out of ways to say, "I can't believe what I'm watching" near the end of the 3rd quarter. After that I simply laugh a barking laugh at each new crime against football committed by the Jets. Jimmy Garoppolo plays extended minutes in the 4th quarter as the Patriots win like a boss.

#2 – Dion Lewis' fantasy owners rejoice. Lewis racks up more than 200 yards from scrimmage; 80+ yards rushing and 120+ yards receiving – most of it on screen passes. Lewis dominates the Jets' linebackers on wheel routes and finds the wide open spaces over the middle in Gronk's wake, totaling nearly two thirds of his yardage after the catch. Lewis finds the end zone twice and spends the last few minutes of the game on the sidelines laughing it up with Tom Brady, Gronkowski and Edelman.

#1 – The Patriots don't run the ball until Tom Brady takes a knee. With the offensive line banged up and the Jets defensive line being the best in the NFL against the run, New England decides to just put the ball in their best player's hands and let him win the game. Brady sets or ties single game records for attempts, completions, yards and touchdowns as the Patriots win big. Brady finishes with fewer incompletions (6) than touchdown passes (8). After the game, Tom's new press secretary, Maria Menounos reads a prepared statement.

"As you know, the Jets and the Patriots played a football game earlier today. Mr. Brady feels it was a challenging but ultimately satisfying contest not so much against the Jets as against the limits of his abilities. He would like to remind everyone that it's good to get a win, it's hard to get a win in the NFL and it's even better though even harder to get a win in the division. Quoting Tom now, 'Unsurprisingly, it was a tough game, a hard fought win. The Jets are a good team and it's a great accomplishment getting the W against a good team like the Jets. The offensive line played great. I thought the defense played really well and kept us in the game and then Danny had the punt return for touchdown so it was a team win. It was a good team win. But I think we can do better. We left some points out there on the field today. So we'll continue to work and try to improve and get ready to play another tough game next week.' Tom would also like to let everyone know he isn't angry, there is no subtext for today's game or last week's game or next week's game, there's no secret narrative, no so-called 'revenge tour' and the only reason he isn't here right now is that he's simply trying to conserve all the energy he can in order to reach his goal of playing for 10 more years beating the Jets 20 more times. Thank you."