Pigskin Regrets

 Regrets, I've had a few, but unlike Frankie, Imma gonna mention them.

Pigskin Bereft (Almost)

Does the sign at the entry to 1 Patriot Place really read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here?" Yeah. I suppose the comedy hasn't been all that divine for the New England Patriots, lately, has it?

Wait! That "ye" isn't a reference to Kanye, is it?

Pigskin Nut Punch

I hadn't been kicked in the nuts - physically or figuratively - since middle school. That was, until yesterday, around 7:25 pm. Now the sign hanging in the factory of my mind reads "1 Days Since Last Being Kicked in the Nuts."

Good Boy Christmas

Gladiator II

The Santa Suit

Dark Santa

Merry Multiverse

Legit Christmas

A Christmas Penis

Pigskin Pensive

The pigskin dream, with its tangerine trees and marmalade skies, with its missed blitz pickups, those orcs that run a 4.4 forty, and that oblate spheroid that's so hard to hold and utterly unpredictable in its movements when encountering a fixed plane, that dream is still alive. That's right. If the playoffs started tomorrow…

Pigskin Destiny

Destiny. Sometimes it's fortunate. Sometimes it's tragic. And sometimes Destiny's a stripper.

Pigskin Vibes

Still a long way to Mordor and my feet are killing me.

Pigskin Rehab

Football is crazy.

Or maybe it's just me.

How would I know? You know, assuming I am, in fact, crazy.

Pigskin Agony

Games like last night are the kind that will send fans straight through the five stages of grief directly to acceptance.

The New England Patriots of 2022 are not a playoff team.

The Fires of Mount Pigskin

The NFL. 

It's a long, hard slog to Mordor and when it's over, you're lucky to have most of your fingers and toes. I'm just glad I never started chewing my fingernails or I'd constantly be cleaning blood off the keyboard.

Pigskin Leftovers

That was disappointing.

Hey! I thought Kirk Cousins was supposed to suck in prime time games.

Hmm. Maybe counting on your opponent to suck isn't the best of strategies.

Pigskin Thanks

When someone says, "If the playoffs started today…", are they doing it as a charm, or as a suspected omen?

Like a kind of, "Can you believe this team is in the playoffs?" thing?

Yeah. That sounds about right.

They Still Call It Football

 Well, it appears the New England Patriots, after some self-care and introspection during their bye week, did as many suspected they would, and simplified their approach to the game, completely eliminating the offense from their game plans.

Pigskin Perspective

So, yeah, it's one of those "the fate of western civilization hangs in the balance" kind of games this week.

I know it is, because it's one of those "the fate of western civilization hangs in the balance" kind of games every week.

Pigskin Amnesia

Say it.

Go ahead. You know you want to. Say it. 

Okay, I'll say it!

If the playoffs started today, the Patriots would be playing on Wildcard Weekend.

Pigskin 20/40 Hindsight

The lesson of history is, we don't know anything (and we definitely should not be operating heavy machinery). Remember when "this was the year" for the Green Bay Packers and Aaron Rodgers? You should. It was only a couple of months ago. 

As Pigskin Goes By

Yes, the fundamental things still do apply.

Defense. Special Teams. And another Nick Folk field goal.

No truth to the rumor the Patriots have petitioned the league to wear leather helmets with their throwback jerseys.

Pigskin Wishes and Fishes

It's quiet. 

Too quiet.

Who knew I'd miss that QB controversy so much?

Pigskin Beauty Pageant

I don't believe there's any such thing as an "ugly win."

I do think there are some wins that have a nice personality and a really great sense of humor.

Pigskin Perspective

Mac Jones will be the starting QB for the New England Patriots this Sunday.

So move along, now. Nothing to see here. Move along. Let's move along…

Oedipal Complex Pigskins

Serious question; asking for a friend who's a Patriots fan…

What didn't go wrong last night?

Pigskin Drama

So, who starts the game at QB for the Patriots in their Monday night game with da Bears?

Will the Patriots zig? Or will they Zappe?

Pigskin Possibilities

I found myself entertaining the notion that the 2022 New England Patriots might just be… good.

Or perhaps in the spirit of the 2001 New England Patriots: good enough.

And no, Bailey Zappe is not Tom Brady 2.0.

And yes, that was definitely a reverse jinx.

Pigskin Optimism

Is it just me, or is everyone in New England feeling Zappe to have a QB controversy?

NOTE: I don't believe the rumor that every time someone makes a Zappe/Happy pun that a puppy and a duckling become unlikely best friends but you know….

Just in case...

Puppies. 

Ducklings. 

Come on, you heartless bastards! Get Zappe!

Pigskin Uncertainty Principle

Is it a "must win" game for the Patriots this Sunday in Cleveland? 

No. Of course not. It's week 6. Still a lot of football left to play.

Wait! Are you kidding me? They're all "must win" games! And as "must win" games go, this one is mustier than most.

Pigskin Perhaps and Mayhaps

Somehow, last place feels different today than it did last week.

Pigskin Reflections

 I will say this about that Thursday Night Football game between the Colts and the Broncos: It made me feel a lot better about my pigskin heroes. Even at 1-3-0, I have yet to feel the Patriots were as bad at football as the dystopian glimpse of post-apocalypse football I witnessed last night. You know how they say after a great game that it's a shame one of these teams had to lose? Well, last night it was a shame one of those teams got to win.

Pigskin Inflection Point

I get that there aren't any "moral victories." First of all, I have no idea what morality has to do with professional sports in general or the NFL specifically. Also, by definition, "moral victory" means you lost in the only way that counts. In the standings.

Hey, we all had to move back into our parent's basement at some point in our lives, didn't we? And we turned out okay, didn't we?

I mean, most of us, am I right? Anyone? Hello!

Pigskin Props

 I admit it. I fell for the "getting better day by day" line. Yes, I actually entertained the notion that Mac Jones would be able to play this Sunday in Green Bay.

Pigskin Adverse

 This season couldn't have started out any worse for the New England Patriots.

(Checks notes.) Okay, it could be worse. They could've lost in Pittsburgh, too.

And now? It's Hoyer the Destroyer time.

Pigskin Pathos

 Still processing what I can only describe as a devastating loss to the Ravens. Devastating because there were so many moments where it seemed the Patriots had a shot at pulling the upset. There were some good moments. Just not enough of them and none at all in the 4th quarter.

And McCorkle is hurt. Based on the wild speculation amongst the local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads, I understand they may have to perform an anklectomy. I don't know what that is but it sounds bad.

I'm going to need some me time. And some vodka.

Pigskin Pondering

It's only Week 3 and we're already facing the greatest player who ever lived, leading a team that has been great forever. At least, I think that's what Bill Belichick and the Patriots are saying.

Pigskin Insanity

As Chris Redd in the SNL Men's Room sketch said, "Football is crazy."

Yes. Yes it is.

Pigskin Panic

 Have to admit, I'm feeling pretty 6-11-0 today,

Not a good feeling.

Pigskin Prophecies

 Alright, everyone. You can go home now. Apparently, the Buffalo Bills won the Super Bowl last Thursday night. Seems early, but, okay.

Pigskin Fatalism

 If you believe the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads, we can all relax in New England because the Patriots of 2022 will only be a story for all the wrong reasons; like a disaster movie where everybody dies. I mean, why did you even make that movie?

Pigskin Doom

 Is it Monday? How did I get here? The last thing I remember was Friday night and… Oh. That was bad. That was…

Wait! What? It was only a preseason game?

Pigskin Phantasm

 It's dream time in the NFL.

Yeah. And this is your wake up call.

The Jungle

"Remember boys," Billy Stillman said. "It's a jungle out there so let's all be lions today."

Pigskin Imminence

 Are we there yet?

Pigskin Denouement

Does everything end with a whimper?

The Igloo

His world was white and it howled like an out of tune symphony orchestra. With every breath, Sam felt icy daggers stab at his lungs. He became three people. The man arguing to give in, lay down, accept fate. The man arguing to keep going, take one more step, there would be time for dying later. And the man watching those two men, wondering who was going to win the argument. 

Gronky Pigskins

 Rob Gronkowski, once more with feeling, is retiring from the NFL. 

And so, because we love nothing more than debating the meaninglessness of our lives, let's discuss: Is Gronk the GOAT tight end?

Billy Gamble's Last Chance Hardware Store

"Do you know who I am?"

Mandatory Pigskins

 Ah! Mandatory Minicamp has arrived in New England, along with the pine pollen and so many bugs I can't help but regret my lifelong war with spiders. The enemy of my enemy is my friend; isn't that how it goes? Still. Eight legs. And what's with those eyes? Anyway, spring has sprung. It's the season of eternal hope and that's how every football season starts. With hope.

And fear. 

Pigskin Candy and Nuts

Ifs and Buts. Seems like there are plenty of those for the 2022 New England Patriots.

And everybody else here on planet Earth.

Ghost Town

"Three days?" Alex asked.

"Five days," Sam said.

Future 32.5.18

The small lecture hall was filled with the men and women who comprised the A2Z BART project team. The lights had been dimmed, except for the spotlight on the lectern in front of the tiered seats. Dr. Rachael Winters, one of the lead scientists for the BART project, adjusted the microphone. A slide was projected on the large screen behind her as she spoke. 

Best Case Pigskins

Now that the NFL schedule has dropped, it's win projection season! Yes, it's meaningless, and nobody actually cares after the fact, kind of like life itself. So… Let's go!

Pigskin Pessimism and Rationalization

It's been said that nobody wins the Super Bowl in April. Or May. Or any month other than February. But apparently, you can lose the Super Bowl in April. Or May. And, well, February, too.

At least the Patriots will be able to play that Nobody Believed In Us card in 2022.

Earthquake Preparedness Class

"When I was a schoolboy," the instructor began, "we were taught to crawl under our desks in the event of a nuclear attack. Of course, with all the lead in the paint back in those days, hiding under our desks was probably redundant." Brad Stillman waited a beat for his joke to land but it didn't. It never had. And yet, he somehow felt compelled to open the Earthquake Preparedness class with it again. It was his fourteenth time leading the class. It was the fourteenth time he had told his school desk/A-Bomb/lead paint joke. 0 for 14. Not even a chuckle. He felt like Slim Pickens, riding that nuke like a bronco-busting cowboy at the end of Dr. Strangelove. Bombed at the box office.

Draft Denouement

 Bill Belichick is the DGAF GM. 

It says so on his business card.

Two Days and Three Drafted

 Is it wrong for me to have this smug, self-satisfied feeling of validation because I took CB Marcus Jones at #85 for the Patriots in my final PFF Mock Draft? Just like Bill Belichick just did?

Too much?

Too much.

Draft Therapy

 If Cole Strange turns out to be Logan Mankins 2.0, then we're all good with this, am I right?

Pigskin Futures

 I may be addicted to the PFF Mock Draft Simulator.

Is that a bad thing?

Dragon's Lair

James Sherman sat in a pew and considered the intricate stained glass window. It depicted a medieval knight in full armor on a rearing steed, the knight's lance having pierced the heart of the three-headed dragon, its eyes rolling in its final agony. Good vs. Evil, with Good triumphant. A riveting story with heroes and villains, plenty of action, and a happy ending. Perhaps someday, James thought, life will imitate art.

Feeling The Draft

I spent an indefensible amount of time today using the PFF Mock Draft 2022 Simulator. Then again, what wannabe NFL GM hasn't?

The Cat Lady's House

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Amanda Seymour said, more to herself than to the insistent visitors knocking at her front door. Amanda had made 68 trips around the sun. She was in good health, but at her age, having lived a full life with just a pinch of bitterness and only a dash of regret, she simply refused to be hurried.

Pigskin Physicality

Are there any more dreaded words in the lexicon of the whole wide world of sports than "if he's healthy?"

Look, I'm not unhappy with the DeVante Parker trade. I mean, any time you can take the 4th best wide receiver from another team - especially a division opponent - you just have to do that. 

I kid.

More cautionary words: Low Risk/High Reward. I mean, we really should be talking Medium Reward here, shouldn't we?

Still…

As I understand it, although the Patriots have some salary cap levers to pull to take on his contract, they basically got Parker and a 2022 5th round pick for nothing; the 2023 3rd round pick they gave up should be replaced by the projected compensatory pick for J.C. Jackson. Whenever he's been healthy, Parker has been a beast. Can New England's trainers keep Parker's hamstrings loose and on the field? If so, Mac Jones' second year leap may clear tall buildings in a single bound. 

Oops! I kind of slid back into "High Reward" territory there, didn't I?

Parker's arrival also means Belichick & Co. can go looking for some Josh Allen kryptonite in the 2022 draft.

Yes, New England could still look for an upgrade at WR but Belichick generally seems to prefer having 3-4 WR2 types than having a single WR1 (unless you can get Randy Moss for a 4th rounder, of course). That seems to fit with Belichick's strategy of taking away the other team's best player: He doesn't want to expose himself to that same risk. No, opposing defenses aren't game planning for Nelson Agholor, Kendrick Bourne, Jakobi Meyers, or DeVante Parker individually but if all four of them are on the field at the same time, one of them will have a favorable matchup; one of those WR2s are matched up with a CB3. I guess I'm just saying that all of you who were dreaming of John Metchie on Day 2 of the draft need to stock up on tissues.

This draft should be all about CB, LB, and OL, probably in that order but a lot depends on the 20 teams picking in front of the Patriots, of course. Given that the draft is about the future (while free agency is more about the here and now), there will no doubt be a classic Belichick head scratcher. I mean, we all just want to get out of the second round without the Pats taking a safety that Mel Kiper, Jr. doesn't even have a scouting report on, am I right?

 

Great Pigskin Expectations

The New England Patriots haven't won a playoff game in three years and Robert Kraft isn't having it.

Three years!

And yes, this is Exhibit A in the case for why other football fans hate the Patriots, hate Patriots fans, and hate clam chowder, lighthouses, the musical 'Wicked' (it's not about Boston but you think it is), blueberries, and Mark Wahlburger. 

The Balcony

 "I need a balcony that isn't a balcony," Kate Jameson said.

Doomscrolling the Patriots' Off Season

Can the NFL get any stranger? 

The Awful Silence of Bill

So, we're all kind of iffy about a guy and then he signs with an AFC rival and the rightwing, conspiracy-loving Whig Party of Patriots Nation lets out a cry filled with pain, regret, and mulled vitriol. 

"Fire Bill Belichick!"

Seriously? Like JuJu Smith-Shuster wasn't Nelson Agholor 2.0.

Pigskin Suspense

This seems familiar. Familiar isn't always a good thing. Or reassuring.

Novus Ordo Pigskins

 Mock Drafts. Trade Rumors. Franchise Tags and Free Agency. Oh, my! Feints within feints within feints.

You think you know but you don't know because nobody knows.

Ambulance

"I haven't told you about this in our previous sessions but I've been having this recurring dream. Nightmare, really. I'm an EMT - which is totally weird given my issues with needles, and well, my, um, general queasiness in the area of bodily fluids, I guess you'd say - and I'm in an ambulance, sirens wailing, on our way to the hospital with a patient and, well, it's me, I mean, the patient, it looks like me, except… It isn't human." Peter Peregrin took a deep breath and waited for his therapist to comment.

Wishful Pigskins

It's GM Season in the NFL. 

So many possible futures; so many questions to be answered. I don't think Bill Belichick needs my help but has a lack of institutional knowledge ever shut anyone up on the Internet?

The Bradbury 52 Assumption So Far

Like Tommy and Gina, I'm halfway there…

Zombie Vacation Spot

 "Arizona is one of the most zombie-friendly states in the nation," Linda said. "And you agreed to come with me here to the Dead or Alive Dude Ranch so stop your moaning. This is the first vacation we've had in, well, I really can't remember, and I won't let you spoil it."

The Yard Sale

"It's not just a yard sale," Tom said. "It's an adventure."

Puzzling Pigskins

Mike Florio didn't tell us anything we didn't already know about "Deflategate." It was a hit job, a frame up, that ignored science in favor of conspiracy theory. Cold temperatures make things shrink (and not just footballs). We all knew that even before learning that scientists, as they do, had a name for it: The Ideal Gas Law. Florio does name names, but for those of us in New England who already had Troy Vincent and Jeff Pash on our list of people we hope to meet in Hell, again, not surprised. Still, there is one question I have about "Deflategate" that hasn't been answered.

Why?

Pigskin Randomizer

For some reason, Super Bowl LV-426 just hasn't captured my imagination. Pizza or Mexican? These are the big decisions in my life. Maybe a charcuterie platter? That might pair better with vodka.

The X-Ray Lab

"Hey, remember that strange, sad guy who used to work here?" Jimmy Gordon asked nobody in particular as he entered the break room and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Could you be a little more specific?" Bill MacKenzie said. "Credit & Collections is the department of strange, sad guys."

For Love of the Game

At a time when sports no longer feels like my inner child's panic room, the only safe haven from the really real world (destroying evidence - apparently, it's what we do in America), Mac Jones is everything.

Corrupt Pigskins

Every so often I'm reminded of the fact that I'm still salty about "Deflategate."

This is one of those moments.

All Good Things End

So. I won't die before Tom Brady retires after all.

Strange Pigskins

Apparently, the more things change, the more things change.

Football Happens

Am I the guy who said it would be hard for Sunday to top Saturday in the NFL playoffs?

Yeah. I was wrong about that.

Fate Is The Punter

Yeah. That's right. They still call it football.

Stupid Won't Stop Me

I get why NASCAR is popular. We all drive cars. NASCAR has "car" right in the name. I don't even have to make a right hand turn. Yeah. Everyone thinks they can drive a car fast. (You're making a 'vroom' noise in your head right now, aren't you?) I totally get that.

But why is it that we all think we could be an NFL GM? 

The Witch's Cavern

"Once upon a time," the Scoutmaster, Ben Richardson, began, with Cub Scout Troop 17 gathered around a large, crackling fire at the end of the first day of their camping trip. "There was a young man who went hiking in these very woods, in search of the witch's cavern."

Pigskin Mourning in America

Well, that really hurt.

And I think the Bills just scored another touchdown.

Dogs

The Patriots will be underdogs for as long as they last in the playoffs. (No, I am not paid to provide these trenchant, pigskin insights. You're welcome.) Maybe that's a good thing. Remember when New England was playing with that "2-4 mentality?" Come on. You remember. It was just a month ago…

Sometimes When You Lose You Win

We're on to the playoffs!

The Vampire's House

Quincy Dedham peered uncertainly out at the living room. "I don't know, it seems like there are an awful lot of windows."

On the List

Sports loves lists. Top 5 this and Top 10 that. Lists are fun and sometimes quite illuminating.

Sometimes. Sometimes you just need to settle for the fun. Not that fun is bad. 

Getting Right at the Right Time

Ah! The 50-Burger. It's the Royale with Cheese of football games. That's a tasty burger.