It's Doom Alone That Counts

Just one week into the two week break between conference championships and Super Bowl Sunday and I’m not sure I’m going to make it.  Despite the early line that gave the Patriots a 3.5 point advantage over the Giants, the Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads have convinced me.  New England has no chance to win their fourth Vince Lombardi Trophy in Super Bowl XLVI.

The Enemy of my Enemy

Has Bill Belichick given his rival and friend Mike Shanahan a call?  The Giants beat the Patriots during the regular season.  They split with the Eagles.  They swept the Cowboys.  But New York could not beat Washington.  With Rex Grossman at quarterback.  The last game the Giants lost was a road test on FedEx Field.  With Rex Grossman at quarterback.  Wouldn’t you want to know how that happened?

Everything Ends Badly

I’ve heard that everything ends badly; otherwise, it wouldn’t end.  The corollary is that if something is going to end badly, it’s best it end quickly.  At the very least, by March 8^th.

Redemption

It makes for good TV I suppose but four years hence, is Super Bowl XLVI really a rematch?  Are there really some unseen forces at work in this year’s Patriots playoff run?  Will the 2011 “Three Games to Glory” DVD end with a slow-motion montage of highlights set to Bob Marley’s “Redemption Song?”  (More likely Boston’s “More Than a Feeling.”)  It’s undeniable that emotion plays a part in the outcome of NFL games.  Not as much as a good game plan well executed on game day, of course.

“I think we’ve talked about all that. It was a long time ago. I have a lot of comments on the record after the game and everything else. You can go back and look at all the things that happened then or some other year.”

-      Bill Belichick, responding to a question about David Tyree’s catch in Super Bowl XLII

Cheating Cheaters from Cheatertonia

I don’t know if you’ve heard this before but the Patriots are cheaters.  True story.  Bill Belichick is an evil, amoral, sadistic, godless, ruthless (where’s Ruth?) creature whose only joy in life is crushing your childlike belief in the notion that cheaters never win and a winner never cheats.  He cares nothing for fair play, Jesus or if that was your bologna and pepper-jack cheese sandwich in the lunchroom fridge even if you wrote your name on the bag.  He eats kittens for breakfast.  Belichick and his minions, Brady, Matt Light, Vince Wilfork, Jerod Mayo, Gronkowski and the rest, relax in whirlpools filled with kitten blood.  And anyone who has ever seen even one episode of “Scooby Doo” knows Robert Kraft is really Old Man Smithers in a rubber Robert Kraft mask.

An Embarrassment of Riches

A co-worker swung by my office today.  He asked me if I felt bad about the way the Patriots won.

“No,” I answered, without hesitation.  Because I didn’t feel at all bad about it.

I feel pretty good about it, actually.  Why shouldn’t I?  Do you think Bill Parcells and the New York Giants felt bad when Scott Norwood’s 47-yard field goal attempt went wide right?  Did the Steelers hand the Lombardi Trophy to the Seahawks after Super Bowl XL because the referees made not one, not two, but three terrible calls that tipped the game in Pittsburgh’s favor?  No?  Yeah, I didn’t remember that happening, either. 

Hey, I’ve known loss.  Losing hurts.  I’m not going to miss rolling in it when it’s a win. If you’re a fan, you don’t make the waves, you just surf them.   

Hang ten, bra.

Shanked

Foot.  Ball.  Fate.

Indefensible

Order has been restored.  Defense still wins championships.  Well, not yet, of course.  Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads seemed very much like self-righteous, puritanical church deacons pointing to the fall of those sinners in Green Bay and New Orleans as a sign of what happens to those who ignore the fundamentals of their faith.  They will be struck down by God’s own zone blitz.

Perhaps I should say order has nearly been restored.  The New England Apostates have yet to be dispatched to Pigskin Purgatory.

Semi-Final Thoughts

After such knowledge, what forgiveness?  That – with props to T.S. Eliot and apologies to Billy Shakespeare – is the question. 

“…Think now

History has many cunning passages, contrived corridors

And issues, deceives with whispering ambitions,

Guides us by vanities.”

-      Gerontion, T.S. Eliot

Opus 63: My Name is Michael and I am a Patriots Fan

The first team that I ever hated was the Oakland Raiders.  As a young boy I rooted for the Denver Broncos PE (Pre-Elway).  The Raiders would routinely roll the Broncos.  I feared the Raiders.  And I hated them.  They were savage, inhuman, unfeeling, bloodthirsty creatures from a drive-in motorcycle vampire movie. I was young so I cut myself a little slack.  I was clearly irrational when it came to the Raiders.  I can see how crazy that was, because I am no longer a child, I’m an adult.  I’ve got a house, a family, two cars, a high stress job I may or may not survive (I like my chances), a kid in college halfway around the world and two indoor cats.  My name is Michael and I hate the Jets.

Running Up the Score on Jesus

Then there were four, one of them riding a pale horse, wearing a hoodie.

I Wanna Be Sedated

I have spent the last 48 hours being subjected to a one-two punch of the tenth anniversary of the Tuck Rule and recent Patriots failures in the playoffs.  When there’s a break in that action, I’m asked to consider the possibility that Tim Tebow may, in fact, be the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Through all of this I’ve come to the undeniable realization that I’ve really got to cut down on the coffee.

Do You Believe God Uses Football Games to Send Messages to People?

There are some people who believe their mere presence on this earth justifies the existence of God.  This seems rather egocentric to me.  My anecdotal evidence is not compelling.  I’m not so sure it would take a supreme being to create some of the people I know; more likely a mischievous demi-god with a truly eccentric sense of humor.  Anyway, I heard some chatter on WEEI, the local sports radio station.  Apparently, there are people who believe that Jesus is fixing NFL games in order to place Tim Tebow center stage at the Super Bowl to testify because (apparently) Jesus needs the pub.  Seriously?  Jesus needs to leverage the Super Bowl’s ratings to maximize the marketing opportunity for his brand in Tim Tebow?  Really?  Whatever happened to the badass dude who would just smite something every now and then?  Pillars of fire, floods, frogs, all the first born of Egypt – that guy didn’t need a football game to make his point.

What Just Happened?

The NFL’s new overtime rules seem a lot like the old overtime rules.

That Just Happened

Learning never stops.  Unless you’re an idiot.

Breakfast with Glenn and Steve - Three Years or Fifteen Minutes

After parking my car, I hustled through the early morning cold and into The Wooden Spoon.  Glenn and Steve were already seated at a table in the back.  I made my way through the queue of people waiting to be seated and sat down.  The waitress came and took my coffee order and headed back to the kitchen.

That's Right, I'm Talking About the Playoffs, Jim

I miss Don Cheadle.

Norvwhere Man

Okay, there is no way I understand what Chargers fans are going through right now.  I’m a Patriots fan.  I root for a team that consistently finds a way to win.  They root for a team that consistently finds a way to lose.  The closest I can come is to think back to 1999 and try to imagine a world in which the Patriots did not fire Pete Carroll and did not hire Bill Belichick.  But that pain for me is hypothetical, abstract, easily partitioned; the pain that Chargers fans are feeling right now is real, visceral, blinding agony.  

Norv Turner will be coaching the San Diego Chargers in 2012.

Stay strong, San Diego.

Reboot

Some teams are starting over for reals.  Some started early by firing their head coaches during the season but the Rams went a step further by firing both their head coach and general manager, Steve Spagnuolo and Billy Devaney.  It’s unclear if Spagnuolo’s 10-38-0 record in St. Louis satisfies the fine print in his deal with the Devil (that wasn’t the hand of God pinning that football to David Tyree’s helmet) so future employers should beware.  This move puts St. Louis in the chase for Jeff Fisher, his awesome mustache and his hit man sunglasses.  Fisher’s sunglasses have been tied to Indianapolis, Miami and Tampa Bay.  Jacksonville?  Not so much.

Anything Can Happen (Or So I Hope)

Like most New England fans, I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to talk myself into the 2011 Patriots as legitimate Super Bowl contenders.  I say most because there’s a sizable minority that seems to be working the Reverse Jinx angle.  You know, dismissing the Pats chances because of their terrible, horrible, no good, very bad defense.  They miss no opportunity to loudly remind us of just how really, really bad this New England Patriots Defense is.  Historically bad.  Stupid bad.  Wicked bad.  One and done in the playoffs bad.  The very definition of a bad joke bad… 

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam walk into a bar where the New England Patriots Defense is having a beer, eating nachos and watching the Bruins play on the big screen TV.  The Priest walks up to the bar with the Rabbi and the Imam, hands the bartender a pamphlet and says, “My brothers in God’s good works and I are collecting for charity; the Inter-Faith Fund for the Poor, Uneducated, Homeless and the Underemployed Who Turned to Petty Theft to Feed Their Starving Families.  We were wondering if we might ask the patrons of your fine establishment for a contribution.”  The bartender considers the request for a moment and says, “I guess that would be okay, but just one thing.”  He nods to the Patriots Defense.  “Don’t ask them for anything, they’ve given enough already.”