A Laughing Matter

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break, I guess. That's it. It wasn't another bout of writer's block. It wasn't remitting, relapsing ennui, brought on by the end of Jon Stewart's run with the Daily Show, the realization that black lives don't matter or we wouldn't need #blacklivesmatter, that mass shootings are the new normal, that fewer people believe in science than believe in fairies, that there are bad cops and the fact there are many good cops does not negate that, that we have leaders who would rather drop a dozen nukes on Tehran than give peace a chance and since this is a republic that fact is undeniably our fault, that facts and truth don't matter when p'ositions of power are up for grabs or the fact I feel like Donald Trump has moved in with me and he just won't shut up.

I just needed a break.

Did you miss me? Anyone? Hello?

Is this thing on?

With the release of the Tom Brady appeals testimony, we were reminded that the little boy who cried integrity is in fact a liar and that there is, in fact, no proof Tom Brady or any member of the New England Patriots tampered with football inflation levels. Facts are pesky things. Still, the NFL has tried to distract us from this with text messages and cell phones but for those so inclined, remember there those pesky facts in hand, numbers and formulae, math and science.

The Ideal Gas Law, using the readings from the Logo Gauge along with the environmental factors, shows the Patriots' game balls were more likely than not inflated to the legal pressure of 12.5 PSI. Given the lack of pregame PSI and room temperature documentation, further guesswork regarding the on field temps and the lack of precision in recording the halftime gauging, temperature and timing, not to mention the fact that two gauges were used with a difference of 0.4 PSI between them, real scientists would probably tell you that no reasonable conclusions can be drawn with any level of confidence, let alone, more likely than not.  

Without a crime, can there be a cover up?

I get the conspiracy theorists, I do. I used to be one. Based solely on the fact that the first rule of assassination is to kill the assassin, I was convinced that Oswald did not act alone. Over the years I have come to believe that Jack Ruby was simply a sad and delusional little man who saw himself as a player, a hero who would slay the villain and spare the nation. He may also have had a deranged sexual obsession with Jackie Kennedy. In retrospect, this is much easier to believe than a second shooter on the grassy knoll or a shadowy cabal of bankers with Cuban interests.

So, I get it.

The conspiracy theorists will never believe the text messages from October had anything to do with Brady bitching at John Jastremski and Jim McNally about what turned out to be overinflated footballs in a game against the Jets, even if those facts lend themselves to an alternative conspiracy theory about point spreads and gambling. Tom Brady likes his footballs inflated to 12.5 PSI but had to use footballs inflated to 16.0 PSI in that game and the Jets covered. Coincidence? Maybe. After all, the NFL didn't seem to care all that much about game ball PSI until halftime of the AFC Championship Game. Maybe the gauge the officials were using wasn't accurate. Maybe somebody made a lot of money betting on the Jets to cover. I guess we'll never know because Ted Wells and his crack investigative team chose not to care about the integrity of that regular season game in October.

More importantly (perhaps), given the Logo Gauge + The Ideal Gas Law = 12.5 PSI, what relevance do these text messages from October have? I mean, other than to those overinflated footballs in the Jets game?

None.

Let those among you who haven't exchanged a salty, sarcastic text with a co-worker about your boss throw the first overinflated football.

The release of Tom Brady's emails along with the appeal transcript may have given reasonable people a moment to consider that maybe, just maybe, Brady was wise to destroy his old cell phone. Would you have trusted the NFL, which failed/refused to correct the misleading information that 11 of 12 footballs were a full 2.0 PSI underinflated?

Despite the now public information, despite the fact Brady was initially told by Ted Wells his personal phone was not needed, despite the fact that this is what celebrities do with their old cell phones, I'm sure there will be some who continue to hold onto their deeply held belief that Tom Brady had something to hide.

I mean, beyond any snarky comments regarding his rivalry with Peyton Manning.

I suppose those who asked, "Why would the League do this to one of its shiniest stars?" had a disingenuous point up until Roger Goodell (FTG) was caught on video laughing his ass off when congratulated by Ron Wolf on "that Brady thing."

First of all, remember the NFL has a rule against players taking their helmets off on the field of play. You see, the game isn't about the players. The game is about the game and no player is bigger than the game. This is Rollerball, baby, and you ain't Jonathan E.

Secondly, we'll ignore the petty jealousy, envy and resentment of the Jim Irsay's, Steve Bisciotti's, Mike Kensil's and their ilk. That's been all the motivation scoundrels have needed since before Shakespeare dipped his quill in ink but we'll accept for the moment that Irsay, Bisciotti, Kensil and Brutus are honorable men.

Tom Brady was a gift.

After the ham-fisted bungling of the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson cases, Goodell needed something to reestablish his position of power as the NFL's Sheriff, Judge, Jury and Executioner. After Greg Hardy's suspension was reduced by an independent arbiter to four games, he had to hold the line to legitimize his authority. Rulebooks, CBA's, the truth be damned. Goodell was going to take down the Golden Boy, Tom Brady and show everybody who was the boss.

Why would the NFL do this to Tom Brady? That's why.

In the grander scheme of things, I suppose this is all of little import. We live in a world where everything is transactional. Goods and services, morality, truth, privacy, security, self-esteem, integrity and life itself are all priced for profit. Everything must go! Maybe we're all just confused by Tom Brady's refusal to negotiate his good name and his legacy. Ironically, he comes across to many as the unreasonable one in all of this. Perhaps we've forgotten what it looks like when somebody stands on principle, refuses to plea bargain, won't make an accommodation. We're used to liars; we expect or at least suspect we're being manipulated.

Maybe you think that's bullshit.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

Maybe that's why I needed a break.