Does Anything Other Than Gravity Matter?

It wasn't really a revelation so much as a recognition. Writer's block is all about fear of failure, of being judged and found to be wanting. I'm not sure it helped. Yes, I'm writing but I read that quote about writer's block three days ago. I'm still pausing an agonizingly long time between sentences even now. I know you, gentle reader, can't tell but it just happened again, between this sentence and the last one. I promised myself I wasn't going to be one of those millions of others with a blog, writing about nothing but themselves, proving on a daily basis they really didn't understand the characters and story lines that are woven like coarse threads through their own lives but here I am, it seems, writing about myself without the slightest of insights. I'm lazy, vain, near-sighted, insecure, increasingly aware of my own mortality and I'm subject to the laws of gravity.

I've got it better than 99% of the people on this planet and I still find time to feel sorry for myself.

I do feel it; the fear of failure, of being judged and found to be wanting.

But enough about me (and possibly you).

Tom Brady, Robert Kraft, Roger Goodell and Ted Wells walk into a bar…

 

The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

Ted Wells says, "You're most expensive single malt scotch. A double. What's the temperature in here, anyway?"

The bartender shrugs, "I don't know. Room temperature I guess."

Wells says, "Close enough. Just remember that at room temperature a double is 3.0 ounces, exactly."

The bartender asks, "What would it be if the temperature in the room dropped by like 20 degrees?"

Wells says, "Despite months of research I've paid a semi-reputable research firm to conduct, it seems the science isn't completely clear on that but anything less than 3.0 ounces, exactly, will be considered to be an attack on the integrity of my drink and will place you at risk of sanctions most sane men would consider to be completely arbitrary, unprecedented and draconian."

As he pours the drink and sets it on the bar, the bartender says, "Yeah, well, we have a strict 'No Dragons' policy here. No offense, but the insurance for serving dragons is just crazy expensive."

Goodell says, "I'll have a glass of your finest French wine, something that pairs well with my resting bitch face."

As the bartender pours Goodell a glass of the house red, Kraft chuckles, claps him on the back and says to Goodell, "Lucky for you, everything goes with that!" He turns to the bartender and says, "I'll have a Sam Adams Summer Ale. I'm a man of the people, you know."

The bartender pops open a Bud Light and puts it on the bar in front of Kraft then pours a shot of Jack Daniels and sets it down next to the beer.

Brady asks, "Do you have any beverages made from avocados?"

The bartender says nothing, looking back at Brady with his resting bitch face.

Brady says, "Do you have any gluten-free vodkas?"

The bartender remains unmoved.

Brady says, "I'll have a bottle of water."

The bartender says, "What? Tap water isn't good enough for you?"

Brady says, "I'm allergic to arsenic."

The bartender says, "Really? I never heard that one" He puts a bottle of water on the bar in front of Brady.

The bartender says, "Who's paying?"

Wells turns to Goodell and says, "He is."

Goodell turns to Kraft and says, "He is."

Kraft turns to Brady then looks back at the bartender and says, "The fans are."

Brady looks at the bartender and reaching for his wallet says, "Not if I can help it."

Wells rattles the ice in his glass. "I'll have another."

As Goodell, Kraft and Brady look at him, Wells says, "What? It's really dry in here. What's the humidity in here, anyway?"

As he refills Wells' glass the bartender says, "What do I look like? A humidifier?"

Brady says, "I think you mean a psychrometer or a hygrometer."

Wells lowers his voice and says to Goodell, "I think that proves Tom Brady is generally aware of humidity."

Goodell nods and after a sip of the house red says under his breath to Wells, "That's got to be four games, right there."

The bartender says, "No, I do not mean psychonometer or hydroponimer or whatever you said. I mean humidifier. I know what a humidifier is. I've got one in my basement."

Kraft says to the bartender, "Tommy meant no offense, I’m sure. Tommy, how about an autographed picture for the good barkeep."

Brady, reaching into his jacket says, "Sure. Would you like a head shot or an action photo?"

After a moment's consideration, the bartender asks, "Could I get one of both?"

Brady agrees, "Okay, sure."

The bartender says "Make the head shot out to Megan. That's my wife. And you can make the action shot out to Kevin. I'll hang that behind the bar if you don't mind."

Brady says as he signs the photos, "Of course not."

The bartender says, "Say, do you mind me asking you all a question?"

Wells says, "As long as we have the right to refuse to answer on the grounds of self-incrimination."

Brady says, "That's not what you told me."

Kraft says to Goodell, "Why did you ask him along, anyway?"

Goodell says, "He overheard me talking to my secretary about us getting together. He sort of invited himself. It felt awkward telling him no."

Brady says to the bartender, "What do you want to know?"

The bartender says, "Well, I'm just surprised to see you all together like this. You know, after everything that's happened. What gives?"

Kraft says, "Well, in a sense, we're all co-workers. Part of the same professional guild, if you will. You probably have co-workers you'd rather not be seen in public with, am I right?"

The bartender says, "You got me there. One of the waitresses took a selfie with me last St. Patrick's Day eve and posted it on Instagram. Megan was none too happy with me, I can tell you that."

Wells asks, "A lot of cleavage in that selfie?"

The bartender says, "Yeah… Say, how do you know?"

Wells says, "It's my job to know, isn't that right, Tom?"

Brady says, "You're guessing again, Ted," then says to the bartender, handing him the autographed pictures, "Trust me, Kevin, that man doesn't know shit. Why would your wife be mad if this waitress co-worker of yours wasn't showing a little skin, am I right? I bet she was winking and you could just see the tip of her tongue at the corner of her mouth, too, wasn't she?"

The bartender says, "Wow. You are good."

Wells lowers his voice and says to Goodell, "I believe that shows Brady is generally aware there are cameras in smart phones."

Goodell sips his wine again and says in a whisper, "Are you saying we should've asked for photos as well as the text messages?"

Wells says, "Um, you know, I'll just keep that information on file for now. You never know." Wells rattles the ice in his glass and sets it on the bar.

Brady says to Wells, "You know I caught the first round, but after that you're on your own."

Wells says, "That's okay. I'll just expense it." Wells throws his credit card on the bar. Brady and Kraft notice the New York Jets logo on the card. Goodell pretends not to.

Goodell says, "Look. Bob. Tommy. May I call you Tommy?"

Brady says, "No. You may not."

Goodell says, "Right. Understood. Anyway, what can we do to make this all just go away?"

Brady says, "Can't you read? Haven't you been listening?"

Goodell says, "No and no. Why do you think I'm asking?"

Kraft says, "Roger, I've spoken to you about this many times now."

Goodell says, "My long-term memory isn't all that good, either."

Brady says, "Vacate my suspension. Rescind the sanctions against the Patriots, returning the million dollars in fines and the draft picks. Admit you got it wrong – it's what you do best – and trash the Wells Report and that man as the duplicitous, devious, despicable, vile, contemptible, underhanded, amoral, mercenary wart hog that he is."

Wells says, "Tom, please; you'll make me blush!" Wells rattles the ice in his glass again and slurring, says to the bartender, "I'm no show sir that lass drink wash tree poin oh onzes. Izit hod in ear?"

The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir but I'm going to have to cut you off."

Wells stands, slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Well then thish meeting ish ober!" He turns to leave then turns back to the bartender. "I don shuppose you could calm e a cab, good sir?"

The bartender says, "Sure, I can call you a cab" and pushes the Jets logo credit card back across the bar to Wells. "You're money's no good here."

Brady says, "You can understand what he's saying?"

The bartender shrugs and says, "Drunk-speak. After you tend bar as long as I have, it becomes a second language."

Wells staggers back a step and says, "I no fee so good."

Goodell stands and asks the bartender, "Where's the men's room?"

The bartender points to his right and Goodell hustles Wells off before any damage can be done.

Brady says, "Well, that could've gone better."

Kraft nods and finally takes the shot of Jack and throws it down, chasing it with a long pull from the bottle of Bud Light. He makes a face and says, "Being a man of the people is kind of a dare."

Brady looks at his bejeweled Movado watch and says, "Yeah, well, I've got someplace else to be awesome right now."

The bartender says, "So, what's the punch line? Roger Goodell, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and Ted Wells can't walk into a bar without there being a punch line."

Brady says, "The punch line? Roger Goodell, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and Ted Wells walk into a bar and the bartender says, 'The man with the smallest balls has to buy a round for the house.' Ted Wells runs out the door, followed by Roger Goodell and then Robert Kraft and Tom Brady walks up to the bar and says, 'Do you have any beverages made from avocados?'"