Tragedy Depends on the Observer's Reference Frame

We all need a little perspective now and then. It may seem like our pigskin reality has dissolved into a plasma of doubt and confusion as New Englander's consider the fresh six inches of snow this raw Monday morning but the reality is that our team is in the NFL playoffs, a single elimination tournament where the stakes have doubled and anything can happen.

It is just a game, after all.

Decades

I spent this sunny December morning surfing the Internet for Patriots porn. I relived some of the Top 100 moments with Tom Brady, and inspired by the Rich Eisen challenge to Bill Belichick asking for a signature moment from Brady's career, not to mention every local pigskin pundit and bobblehead putting together All Decade lists (players, Top 10 Games, etc.), I searched for Patriots "greatest" video content. While this activity is always deeply satisfying, I couldn't help but ask myself…

Can this two-decade run for the New England Patriots actually be appreciated? It is, after all, unprecedented. How do we deal with that which has never been and may never be ever again?

'Twas The Day After Christmas

I hope all your religio-cultural specific celebrations - stolen from pagans who were simply glad the days were once again getting longer - resulted in dreams come true. Or mostly true. 

Don't be greedy.

Season's Greeting

A glorious Sunday before Christmas in New England. A milky sun, unseasonably warm temperatures, and the New England Patriots are the AFC East Champions for the eleventeenth time in a row.

Nobody's Perfect

"And that might not have been a loss if not for a New England touchdown on special teams as well as the second-half departure of Bills quarterback Josh Allen."

• Bleacher Report's Week 16 Expert Consensus NFL Picks

Where to begin?

History Rhymes Again

A disappointing loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. A cheating controversy involving videotape. We're on to Cincinnati.

Wait-What?

If you built a time machine and traveled back in time, would you know you built a time machine in the future?

I Was Told There'd Be No Math

We are like one of those intergalactic cultures that Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise visited, where all knowledge of technology has been lost; the forgotten magic of the ancient ones. The server rooms have become dusty churches where the green-skinned, miniskirt-clad tribal women of today perform the ritual of the reboot without any underlying understanding of what it once meant. Their fear of these remnants of solid state technology and it's strange binary math has cost the lives of many of whatever passes for goats on this distant planet, offered in sacrifice to these machines in the ghost. 

NFL fans are like these sexy alien women in their love of Captain Kirk and their fear of the existential threat of… mathematical elimination.

Making It Up As They Go

There's a dark subtext to seeing the Patriots set the record with their 17th consecutive season winning 10 games (or more, of course). I mean… That can't go on forever. Right? 

It doesn't help that the consensus amongst pigskin pundits and bobbleheads seems to be that this is the worst 10-1-0 team in NFL history. Wounded. Living off their rep and a soft schedule. No longer Super Bowl contenders. (Can you say a more hurtful thing about the Patriots?) Is that The Cliff photobombing Tom Brady's Instagram posts? 

If there's an upside, it's that Bill Belichick is some kind of pigskin alchemist who can transform doubt into blocked punts. 

Winning Football

The first thing I read the morning after the Patriots storm-addled 13-9 win over the Cowboys in Foxborough was pretty much what I expected. Patriots Finally Have Reason to Be Concerned About Tom Brady and the Offense, according to Brad Gagnon on Bleacher Report.

To which I say...

Finally?

The Repeatable Experience

We've seen this movie before, haven't we? Underperforming in the regular season, featuring a blowout loss that has pigskin pundits questioning Tom Brady and the Patriots' Super Bowl bona fides? Check. Controversy? I'd say the endless Antonio Brown saga qualifies. A rash of injuries that seems to target a single position group? Well, we haven't gotten to the point where wide receivers are playing defensive back but I might be close to asking if any of the defensive backs played wide receiver in college… or high school… or pee wee football. 

Yeah. We've seen this movie before and we know how it ends. 

The Sky Is The Ceiling

It's been observed - often by the local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads guilty of the same sentiments - that only Patriots fans could find misery in an 8-0-0 record. Waiting for the Sunday night game and almost certain defeat at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens and their unicorn QB, Lamar Jackson, it just feels like a good time to try to cheer myself up.

Darth Hoodie Finds Your Lack of Faith Disturbing

I was thinking… Should I be upset that so many pigskin pundits and bobbleheads are playing the passive-aggressive disrespect card by finishing any discourse on the Patriots' dominance on defense with "but they haven't really played anyone yet" followed by the list of less than replacement level quarterbacks they've faced in posting an 8-0-0 record?

And I realized… No. 

Is here another team that responds to the slightest of slights like the New England Patriots?

Who Are These Guys?

Do we know who these 2019 New England Patriots are? You know, the team that hasn't played anyone. The BSOD offense in desperate need of a firmware upgrade. The team that's played more tomato cans than Andy Warhol. 

Who are these guys?

I think we could find out a few things this Monday night.

Chasing The Patriots Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

There's an old saying in football that if you're not running a quarterback sneak on 4th and 1, you probably shouldn't be going for it on 4th and 1.  

As noted, it's an old saying. So, why is a new, modern, millennial, disruptive, innovative offense like the Kansas City Chiefs running a quarterback sneak? 

Is everything up to date in Kansas City?

A Long Way To Go

I may be rooting for the worst 6-0 team in the history of everything but it could definitely be worse. 

I'm looking at you Dallas Cowboys' fans.

Adversity Isn't Just A Suburb of Boston

See what I did there? I'm riffing on "Denial isn't just a river…" Oh, you got it? Okay...

If you're a Patriots fan, you know this is when it really gets interesting. The team is running like a 20-year old Ford 150 in dire need of a tune up. Injuries are piling up and seem to be clustering around a few key position groups. Has there been controversy? (Antonio Brown. Check.) Are there rumors of a rift between Tom/Bill/Robert and Bill/Robert/Tom? (That's become a cottage industry for pigskin pundits and bobbleheads, hasn't it?) Somehow, the cap-strapped Patriots are connected to every disgruntled player on the Other 31. Meanwhile, New England is working out street free agents who are coming off a disappointing, injury-limited start to their careers. Hey, when you're short on cap cash, you got to shop at the pigskin Dollar Store.

Time to plug some holes in the wall with toothpaste…

If This Is Wrong I Don't Want To Be Right

They're 6-0-0. They've outscored their opponents by 142 points. On a short week, battered by injuries and a Nor'easter, they won 35-14, covering an absurd 17 point line in the process.

So, what's everybody want to know?

How much longer must we endure this pigskin disaster that is the 2019 New England Patriots?

Jeopardy

They're chronically involved in controversy, their roster has been decimated by retirement, free agency losses, and injuries, they lack playmakers on offense, their AARP-eligible quarterback just had the worst game of his career yet they're still undefeated, sit atop NFL power rankings, and remain the money makers' favorite to win back-to-back Super Bowls…

[Jeopardy! music plays...]

Who are the New England Patriots?

A Big Game In Buffalo

Injuries. Scandal. Palace intrigue. Doubts. A media-hyped, early season divisional game. On the road.

We've been here before, haven't we?

Just Another Sunday For Patriots' Fans

For about a day it was just about football. Okay, not just football. After all, Antonio Brown brought more baggage to Foxborough than the boys on The Darjeeling Limited. Still, I was looking forward to Tom Brady, Brown, Julian Edelman, Josh Gordon, James White, Sony Michel, and Phillip Dorsett doing amazing pigskin things. We were going to need a word that went on beyond explosive. 

And then, an explosion of a completely different, yet somehow unsurprising, kind occurred.

Don't Pinch Me

Like most of the good citizens of Patriots Nation, I'm in "pinch me" mode this fine Sunday morning. 

Only… Don't pinch me. 

Today I'm just living the dream, a dream where people are constantly arguing over whether this 2019 New England offense is better than the 2007 perfect-adjacent Pats of Moss and Welker. A dream where yet another "troubled but talented" player comes to Foxborough and winds up with a ring on his finger. 

In my dream, Josh McDaniels and Tom Brady access an almost endless set of combinations of Antonio Brown, Josh Gordon, Julian Edelman, Demaryius Thomas, Phillip Dorsett, Sony Michel (with and without James Develin), James White, Rex Burkhead and whatever tight end is healthy that week; deploying those assets to maximize weekly matchup advantages, destroying NFL defenses through the air and on the ground, scoring seemingly at will, while the New England defense plays with the lead, toying with opposing quarterbacks like a cruel cat with a blind mouse. 

In my dream, Brady and Brown bond over their love for old helmets and their loathing of Roger Goodell and the league's power brokers. Brown embraces the Patriots Way (even if it's for totally selfish reasons as he rehabilitates his image and sets himself up for a big payday from the Detroit Lions in 2020), drinks deeply of the Belichick Kool-Aid, and just does his job. Gordon stays healthy and feasts on CB2s and CB3s as opposing defenses scheme in vain to stop Brown and Edelman. 

In my dream, Sony Michel breaks out in his second season as Brady takes advantage of opposing defensive coordinators pulling a defensive lineman to put six or seven defensive backs on the field. James White is wide open on wheel routes. Rex Burkhead returns kickoffs just to get some touches.

In my dream, the Patriots defense is always playing with a two-score lead by the end of the first quarter, against offenses that have abandoned the running game, and all hope, for that matter.

In my dream, Edelman, Brown, Gordon, and White catch TD passes and the Patriots win their 7th Super Bowl championship in a rout, beating the Cowboys 56-0.

Don't pinch me.

Death, Taxes, and the Patriots

The Ringer has become one of my daily reads for pop culture and sports. I clicked on the What We’re Most Excited to Watch in the 2019 NFL Season link with anticipation and was not disappointed. (Well, a little.) There is certainly no shortage of compelling narratives waiting to happen for the NFL's 100th season. Patrick Mahomes encore. Kyler Murray, Kliff Kingsbury and the Air Raid Offense is intriguing, as is the possibility the Ravens might bust out the wishbone. Baker Mayfield and the return to relevance for the Cleveland Browns is full of pigskin pathos. Zeke Elliot and the Cowboys. Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur. Drew Brees and the Scientific Proof that Luck is Real (and not always good). Nick Foles and the Jaguars. Jadaveon Clowney and the Seahawks. The sustainability of the Los Angeles Rams and the Millennial Offense as trend or fad. Ben Roethlisberger and the Ewing Theory Steelers. Carson Wentz and America's health care system. Antonio Brown. 

There was one storyline that was dismissed in a throwaway line at the end of the Ringer post: Death, taxes, and the Patriots. 

I'm not arguing that any of the plotlines noted above are not worthy of our attention. I just find it curious that what we have with the New England Patriots of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady is a movie nobody wants to see.

Well, nobody west of the Connecticut River.

Waiting For The Other Shoe

Ready or not, there will be a football game this Sunday.

Welcome to September

The initial 53-man roster for your New England Patriots is set, but not in stone. Bill Belichick reportedly said in a recent interview, that it's 85-90% set when they get down to that 53-man deadline. That means as many as 8 places on the Final 53 are still up for grabs. 

Adding to the pigskin calculus? The potential return of Demaryius Thomas as well as the pending return of Lance Kendricks and Ben Watson from suspension. 

Yikes. 

Almost There

There's just a hint of fall in the air today. 

Did I say fall? I meant football.

The Answers Are Coming Soon

It's just preseason blah, blah, blah.

Whatever. This is me not slowing my roll.

The Kids Are Alright

I'm trying to slow my roll. Trying to remember that it's early, nobody's won anything, that we haven't even started the regular season and that regular season is like a marathon where linebackers occasionally leap from the crowd and put you in the concussion protocol. 

I know. I get it. I don't care. I'm not even going to try to stop myself.

Super Bowl, baby. 

Living on the Hype Train

It's just preseason. It was just the Detroit Lions. 

Yeah, yeah, okay. I hear you. I don't care. You're not going to slow my roll.

I've Got a Good Feeling About This

They haven't even played a single preseason game, we still don't know what's going on at left tackle. Or tight end. The wide receiver position group is a pu pu platter of Julian Edelman and stories yet written of hopes and dreams and redemption. Their starting quarterback and his dad-bod just turned 42-years-old, making him literally old enough to be the father of at least three members of the current roster. 

Back-to-back Super Bowl wins?

Back-to-back Super Bowl wins!

Mo Bettah Tom Brady

I know this may sound obvious, but that Tom Brady guy? He's pretty good.

Dependencies

I wouldn't call it luck, really, but when it comes to success in the NFL - as in life itself - it depends; it depends on the things that do happen and it depends on the things that don't.

For every best case scenario, there's a worst case scenario. And several less than best scenarios in between.

But let's try to keep this positive, shall we?

Gronk, Actually

The recent workout in Los Angeles, with Tom Brady calling on Mr. Reliable, Robbie G, combined with the various photo ops from the ESPYS, the "what do I write about in July?" conundrum facing pigskin pundits and bobbleheads resulting in numerous will he/won't he pieces about Rob Gronkowski's potential return from retirement have even me wondering…

Well, will he? Won't he?

Rooting Interests

The NFL is the best reality show on TV. 

I know. Hardly a hot take. Still, it got me to thinking that while it's impossible at this point in the season to really know the Top 10 best teams in the league (though I'm sure there are plenty of preseason power rankings from various pigskin pundits and bobbleheads out there in the vast expanse of the Interwebs), I do have a pretty good idea already of the 10 Most Interesting Teams of 2019.

Another offseason list? Another offseason list…

Why Can't I Stop Doing This?

Lisztomania is a pretty good album by a French band you probably never heard of.

Listomania is the worst part of the NFL offseason.

The latest entry in this cynical and unabashed cycle of offseason clickbait that I do not seek out but more often than not gets tossed in my face by fellow Defenders of the Wall is the NFL.com's Top 10 Teams of the Decade.

By now you'd think I'd be smart enough not to take that bait.

What's that you say? You know me and you'd like to assure me that I really am not that smart?

You're telling me this for my own good?

Well. Okay then.

How Long Can You Stand On Everest

Let me ruin my own metaphor by channeling my inner Belichick: You don't stand on Everest, you have to climb it every year.

It only appears the Patriots are standing atop the NFL's Everest. Pigskin persistence of vision.

Captain of America's Game

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Our brains are wired to defend long- and deeply-held beliefs, regardless of objective facts that argue against the crazy thoughts running around in their underwear, shouting and snarling for attention in your cracked and dented cranium. Maybe you believe Guns n Roses is the greatest rock and roll band of all time. It won't matter how many Led Zeppelin records I play for you, providing ample evidence GnR were reductive, derivative hacks who couldn't hold Greta Van Fleet's jock; you're ride or die with Axl and Slash. You'll be buried in your "Appetite for Destruction" t-shirt while they play "November Rain."

But really, people. Tom Brady is a system quarterback? Peyton was better? Montana is the man? 

Can you even hear yourself?

Fan is Short for Fanatic

Ranking NFL fans? This is what we're down to? That and gifs of an uncomfortably happy Bill Belichick.

No offseason. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want to call this, I'll be glad when it's over.

Okay, I guess I get it. Total clickbait. Everyone is going to check where they've been ranked because this one is personal. I don't use "we" when I refer to the Patriots because I'm not on the team. This time, though, it is about me, about us. Patriots Nation.

Tepid Takes

Are we sure there's no offseason?

Maybe Welker vs. Edelman or 2004 Pats vs. 2014 are fun mental exercises in the same way solving the quadratic equation in your head is fun. (It isn't.) Maybe mocking the trolls hasn't gotten old. (It has.) Let's face it. Brady was considered the GOAT after five rings. Now he has six. At this point, calling Tom Brady the GOAT is actually a tepid take. Who clicks a link like "Brady's the Best" (or some variation on that theme) other than Patriots fans? You know what kind of link will get clicks from fans from all fan bases?

Anything featuring the words "Brady" and "cliff."

You Know Me

You know who I am. I'm the New England Patriots. 

Y'all know me.

Optimistic

Was it just a few weeks ago that we all thought the Patriots Dynasty was ending, right before our very eyes? Trey Flowers and Trent Brown lost to free agency along with key contributors to their 6th Super Bowl win like Duane Allen and Cordarrelle Patterson. Gronk retired. Brian Flores and half the New England coaching staff took their talents to South Beach.

Now? There are plenty of reasons to feel good about the upcoming 2019 season.

Confused By Love

t's been a bit unnerving.

Discombobulating?

Disconcerting, certainly.

The New Guys

The draft is over, undrafted free agents have been signed; the roster building process isn't over - it's never over - but the story that is the 2019 New England Patriots has begun.

Somewhere on this roster is an undrafted free agent who will make the Final 53. A new folk hero is waiting to happen. A new starring role yet to be cast in this 21st sequel in the epic "The Goat of San Mateo" film series is waiting to happen.

So, who will win best actor in a supporting role? Who will be the breakout star? And who's story ends in tragedy?

When the Draft is a Cool Breeze

The NFL Draft is like gambling on a coin flip. You've got a 50% chance of being right and a 50% chance of having people make fun of you for the rest of human history, You bet $120mm dollars on a coin flip? And you lost?

Yeah. Just call heads every time.

I've seen it work.

Mockery

Mock drafts, as David Letterman used to say, are for entertainment purposes only (please, no wagering). Reading them for pigskin intelligence is basically a fool's errand.

Sounds like a job for me!

I'm Amazed

Just thinking about it, I'm amazed. It veers into the mythic, like some medieval song cycle about gods and men, about mountains scaled and oceans crossed, about battles fought against the dark hordes of evil.

Okay.

Not really a good vs. evil thing.

Still, the whole thing - the Patriots Dynasty - has been pretty amazing. No, I'm not saying it's over. I'm just wondering how the team that keeps topping itself can possibly top itself one more time.

Let's begin at the beginning, which is generally a very good place to start…

Godspeed Gronk

What else can I say but... 

Thank you. 

Thank you for the joyful exuberance you brought to the game. Yo soy fiesta off the field and on. Gronk changed the game because Gronk is the game. He is football. Back in the 60s Gronk would've been the greatest offensive tackle to ever play the game. Fifty years from now they'll look back on Gronk as the very first 21st century wide receiver.

Thanks Gronk for all of the memories. All of the get-off-of-me-little-man moments when you shed a defensive back, all the crushing blocks, the throwing-him-outta-da-club moment, that left-handed WTF catch, outrunning defensive backs to the end zone, and all the touchdown spikes, every last one of them.

Thank you, Gronk.

Godspeed.

Ramble On

Robert Kraft's penis has apologized.

Can we move on?

Can we go back to talking about the lack of playmakers at wide receiver (and how that means Bill Belichick really hates Tom Brady)? The "Who's going to replace Trey Flowers?" question? Whether Isaiah Wynn is ready to play left tackle in the NFL? Why Belichick can't draft wide receivers? Tom Brady's downhill skiing skills? Jordy Nelson? Josh Rosen? Gronk's will he/won't he offseason? How many times Belichick will trade down or out of the 2019 NFL draft?

Let me just say this to Robert Kraft's penis.

Apology accepted.

Now Is The Winter Of Our Discontent

Nope. Not summer yet.

The Cautionary Tale That Is Antonio Brown

Antonio Brown has Office Spaced his way out of Pittsburgh and will play professional football for the Oakland Raiders in 2019.

There is, as the hipster commentators like to say, a lot to unpack here.

We're On To 2019

We're On To 2019

Have I read everything written and viewed every video recorded and listened to any podcast I could find covering Super Bowl LIII and the Patriots 6th Lombardi Trophy?

Yes. Yes I have.

Now what?

Time to start watching YouTube highlights of college players I've never heard of because pigskin pundits and bobbleheads are projecting them to picks by the New England Patriots in the 2019 draft.

Time to ask myself important, life-altering, existential crisis-level questions like, "Would Demaryius Thomas be an upgrade over Chris Hogan?"