Puzzling Pigskins

Mike Florio didn't tell us anything we didn't already know about "Deflategate." It was a hit job, a frame up, that ignored science in favor of conspiracy theory. Cold temperatures make things shrink (and not just footballs). We all knew that even before learning that scientists, as they do, had a name for it: The Ideal Gas Law. Florio does name names, but for those of us in New England who already had Troy Vincent and Jeff Pash on our list of people we hope to meet in Hell, again, not surprised. Still, there is one question I have about "Deflategate" that hasn't been answered.

Why?

Hurt My Feelings

So Roger Goodell is butt-hurt over the Patriots enjoying their post-Deflategate Super Bowl win just a little too much at his expense. First, Robert Kraft relished the moment a little too much, calling everyone's attention to what's "transpired in the last two years" after receiving the Lombardi Trophy. Sweet. And savory. Then defensive coordinator Matt Patricia was photographed wearing the Barstool Sports t-shirt, literally clowning Goodell.

Let me just start with…

Well, he started it!

I'm Not Getting Over It

The message seems to be that I should just move on. Well, not me personally but everyone who's pigskin passport was issued by Patriots Nation. Move on. Get over it. Haters gonna hate so shake it off, shake it off. Let it go, let it go… Oh wait, that lyric is all about letting it all out while I'm being asked to keep it all inside. And you'll go gay if you sing it. Well, that's what I heard.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Unreasonably bitter and angry.

Deflategate: The Movie

Count me among those who will be happy to see 2016 go. As Jerry Thornton so eloquently put it (start around the 0:58 mark for full effect), 2016 can eat a dick. That was before 2016 had a fourth quarter for the ages. 2016 can eat a bag of dicks. Any "Best of 2016" list is an oxymoron. Can a year be cursed by gypsies? Did we slip into an alternate, upside down timeline? If so, how do we get back?

Personally, I've been hiding in football since early November (I think you know what I mean) and I have no intention of coming out anytime soon.

Narrative Seeking

As we hit the halfway mark in the season, there are a few storylines I’m tracking. Well, it’s more that I’m narrative seeking than narrative tracking. After all, anything can happen in this crazy pigskin world…

Deflategate Karma

I promised myself I’d leave Deflategate in the rear view. Like Tom Brady, I wasn’t going to worry about the past; I was moving on but that’s been easier said than done. Maybe it’s all the chatter from pigskin pundits and bobbleheads about Brady’s “Revenge Tour.” Maybe it’s that Colts owner Jim Irsay just refuses to shut up. Maybe it’s simply the siren call of schadenfreude (so delicious). Whatever the reason or reasons, I hope you’ll indulge my bitter inner child just this once.

We're On To Football

I just needed to sleep on this one. I know, in today’s instant everything hot take live streaming world that taking a moment to actually think about anything is pointless. Everyone will have moved on by now, I’m sure. People are dying, governments are falling and the problems of few little people have never amounted to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Still, I needed a little space after nearly two years of the mental disease we came to know as Deflategate. Last night I sought refuge with my family in a local bistro where the air conditioning wasn’t quite up to the heat wave but the lobster with oat risotto was one of the most delicious dishes I’ve ever eaten (thank you Thistle Pig). The two tall vodka and tonics didn’t hurt either. And my wife and daughter spent most of the meal talking Harry Potter as they recently decided to re-read the entire series. They’re up to the “Order of the Phoenix.” I’ll leave you, gentle reader, to determine if there’s a metaphor in there somewhere.

And now it’s the next day and I’m waiting for the coffee maker to finish…

The Appearance of Mischief

So, on the same day the NFLPA and Tom Brady file their appeal in the Great Pigskin PSI Conspiracy Caper, the NFL gets outed for not caring as much about traumatic brain injuries as originally promised. Several million dollars less than originally promised. Depending on who’s doing the counting. Details are so boring. If you watch any police procedurals on TV, you know the appearance of mischief is the first sign of mischief. Of course the NFL wanted to control the concussion discussion! That’s clear from the millions of dollars they have spent and of course from their over-familiarity with the curriculum vitae of neuroscientists.

Up For Grabs

It’s one thing for someone like me to say Deflategate was all about giving the rest of the league a four-game head start but should players like the Jets WR/Reality TV Star Eric Decker actually be saying that out loud?

Dealing With It

I’m not sure how to feel about pieces like Mike Freeman’s “Deflategate Fallout Looms Large” on BleacherReport.com. So, other people get that Tom Brady didn’t cheat, science exists and the Patriots deserve to have their draft picks and straight cash money returned.

Huh.

And Tom Brady is suspended for four games, anyway.

Because Roger Goodell has a tiny, tiny penis.

Well that’s what I heard!

Justice is All About the Billable Hours

First, let me say that all of us east of the Connecticut River need to keep some perspective. On the Grand Stage of Injustice Tom Brady is merely a bit player. When it comes to Abuse of Power, Roger Goodell is little more than an offstage death. Okay, that may be wishful thinking on my part. Where was I before I imagining a Shakespearian end for the Commissioner? Oh, right. Perspective.

The 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled in favor of Article 46. Every hater west of the Connecticut River has a hard on. Tom Brady has already texted Adam Schefter that he isn’t going to bite the pillow and take the screwing but it’s hard to see how this ends any other way but badly for Brady, the Patriots and their fans.

Please And Thank You

No worries now.

Robert Kraft has personally written a letter to Roger Goodell asking for the draft picks back that were taken away for Spygate and to have Tom Brady's four-game suspension to be lifted. Oh, did I say Spygate? Of course I meant Deflategate. Spygate was like eight years ago. Silly me.

No, it won't make a difference. Science didn't matter, why should civility?

I've got to like Belichick's style in this case. Don't even step inside the same room with that giant mutant bedbug in a human suit until he has to.

At the Super Bowl.

Picking My Scab

Peter King thinks he thinks Commissioner Roger Goodell should give the Patriots back the draft picks he took away for Deflategate. So do a lot of other pigskin pundits and bobbleheads, too. The ones not named Bill Plaschke, that is.

They also think it won't happen.

Spoiler Alert: It has nothing to do with the integrity of the game.

Or the commissioner.

Happy Birthday, Deflategate

Roger Goodell's deformed baby, more commonly known as Deflategate, is one-year old today. Happy Birthday!

Long Day's Pigskin Journey

Is there more to this game than the other fifteen? It doesn't count for two wins, does it?

Indiana Wants Me

I'm thinking 73-0 is probably too much to ask for (though you never know unless you ask, am I right?).

A 60-burger? If the Patriots could score a TD on 9 possessions, that would be 63 points. At some point the Colts would have to start running the ball and the clock to keep the game from getting out of control.

Hey, seriously, I'd be fine with 45-7.

A Perfect Parabola

Quick show of hands. Who thought dealing with Dan Connolly's retirement would be a bigger problem than losing Darrelle Revis in free agency?

Anyone?

Speaking Of

I've been way too much in my own head lately.

Speaking of…

The Real Tom Shady

You want my name.

You want my game.

You want my fame.

You want me to take the blame for mistakes that you made.

A Laughing Matter

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I just needed a break, I guess. That's it. It wasn't another bout of writer's block. It wasn't remitting, relapsing ennui, brought on by the end of Jon Stewart's run with the Daily Show, the realization that black lives don't matter or we wouldn't need #blacklivesmatter, that mass shootings are the new normal, that fewer people believe in science than believe in fairies, that there are bad cops and the fact there are many good cops does not negate that, that we have leaders who would rather drop a dozen nukes on Tehran than give peace a chance and since this is a republic that fact is undeniably our fault, that facts and truth don't matter when p'ositions of power are up for grabs or the fact I feel like Donald Trump has moved in with me and he just won't shut up.

I just needed a break.

Did you miss me? Anyone? Hello?

Is this thing on?