Scripting Roger

The consensus amongst the gridiron cognoscenti is that Roger Goodell (FTG) won't be announcing his decision on Tom Brady's Deflategate appeal any time soon. No doubt he has his speech writers working overtime on that announcement as he clearly has some serious tap-dancing to do around the tattered Wells Report and the grudging acknowledgement by pigskin pundits and bobbleheads that the NFL was out to get the Patriots and Tom Brady. Perhaps worse for The Commish and his cronies is the fact they will soon have to face the wrath of the rest of the pigskin world for boning it so badly once Brady and the NFLPA have their day in Federal Court. This is a circle I'm not sure Goodell can square. He's probably better off with a press release than a stand up.

I have no idea what he will say but here's what I'd recommend…

 

"Can we bring the lights down just a little bit before I get started? Yes? Thank you… I'll be making a statement today but I will not be taking questions.

"I know this may come as a surprise to a few of you but I'm here today to tell you… I got it wrong. Again.

"When I took the job of Commissioner of the NFL, I was told there would be some math involved but I was assured it would be simple math. I'd be able to use Excel spreadsheets and downloadable templates to handle things like unprecedented fines and handing out suspensions based on the ability to divide 16 into halves and quarters. I was told I could hire college interns from schools with "tech" in their names if necessary. I was assured that complex math with variables and factors wouldn't be necessary and there would be no science required at all. I think it's fair to say that like many of you, it's now clear that my grasp of college-level math and science falls well short of the requirements necessary to run a billion dollar enterprise in the 21st century.

[look up briefly as if seeking divine forgiveness]

"It's also crystal clear now the science in the Wells Report is not merely flawed but fails in its entirety to meet the standards of intellectual integrity I've since been told is the hallmark of the scientific method. It's now my understanding that scientists do not pre-determine an outcome and create or select data that suits their purpose but instead first collect all of the data available and then use that data to test and verify or disprove a supposition or theory through experimentation or formula. Hindsight is 20/20, of course. My current understanding of how scientists work seems obvious in retrospect but who among us wasn't convinced early on by Bill Nye the Science Guy? I mean, he even has "science" in his name.

[smile and pause for nervous laughter or uncomfortable silence]

"We got it wrong in other ways, too. It was wrong to leak clearly erroneous information on the inflation level of the Patriots game balls, and it was dishonest not to correct that information. We knew the Patriots game balls were not 2.0 PSI below the lower legal limit of 12.5 PSI but did nothing to correct that misinformation. This was wrong. I've asked my direct reports who among them provided this inaccurate and specious information to Chris Mortensen and all of them have assured me that it wasn't them. Let me assure you I was extremely stern in my tone and demeanor when I asked these questions and in some cases threatened to revoke their executive bathroom privileges if they were not forthcoming. So I stand before you today taking full responsibility for these leaks. I've held the head coaches and owners of teams accountable for the actions of their players and employees so unfortunately I have no choice but to lay this one at my own door.

[bow head slightly for a count of 3-one thousand in a show of humility]

"It is also clear to me now that Tom Brady will not accept even a one-game suspension because, as it's been explained to me, to do so would represent an acceptance of guilt, a tacit acknowledgement that he cheated. In coming to this understanding, I now understand integrity is not transactional. Personally, this may have been the most shocking and personally transformative insight I've reached throughout this process. In the past for example, it was enough to reduce Ben Roethlisberger's suspension from six games to four, much like a plea bargain reducing a charge from sexual assault to "that's what she said." I know it doesn't seem like it was that long ago but clearly times have changed.

[nod as if considering this as if it was new information]

"The irony in defending the integrity of the game by trying to prove that one of its greatest players is a cheater on the basis of text messages and bathroom breaks is no longer lost on me. Our failure to act when teams were actually caught manipulating football air pressure only compounds that irony. Granted, I had no knowledge of the Ideal Gas Law or what makes it "ideal" at that time. It was obvious, though, that what the Panthers and Vikings were doing in warming footballs on the sidelines was, at minimum, hinky. We now understand we should've done more in that case than issue a strongly worded letter. Instead, we should have fined those franchises a million dollars, taken 1st and 4th round draft picks, suspended the staff members involved indefinitely and suspended for four games any players in the vicinity shown pointing at or handling those footballs, as those players were clearly generally aware of what was going on. The implications regarding under-inflation of footballs providing a competitive advantage is obviously called into question by those teams warming footballs in order to maintain or raise pressure, yet another flaw in the charges brought against the Patriots and Tom Brady. I must admit, I'm at a loss as to how we missed that one.

[take and release a deep breath, indicating total amazement at this failure to recognize something this obvious]

"I could go on. Instead I'll refer you all to the thumb drive in the packets that were handed out earlier. On it you will find a 486-page report detailing the many mistakes I have made throughout what is popularly known as Deflategate, as well as a full accounting of the scientific errors in the Wells Report. Little of this is new information, of course, for those familiar with my track record in Bountygate or Bullygate or the Ray Rice case, my disregard for past precedent or the rulebook, my failure to grasp the meaning of words like "independent" and "integrity," the flawed math I used in thinking $1,000,000 was just four times $25,000 – I really should've relied on Excel for that one – or the more rigorous examination of the air pressure measurements and environmental factors documented in the American Enterprise Institute's report for just a few examples.

[look around the room making eye contact with at least three people to enforce just how honest you're being in this moment]

"Dragging this out any further would only mean throwing good money after bad. That math is simple enough even for me. So, today, I hope to finally put an end to Deflategate.

[pause to add gravitas to the moment]

"Based on the scientific evidence that shows the Patriots' game balls were properly inflated before the AFC Championship Game, I am vacating the four-game suspension of Tom Brady. Additionally, given the basis for the sanctions have been shown to be false, incorrect and for all intents and purposes fabricated, I am rescinding the fines assessed and restoring the 1st and 4th round draft picks to the New England Patriots.

[keep going, you're almost there]

"Further, I am today tendering my resignation as Commissioner of the NFL. Now that I understand how poorly equipped I am for this job, now that I know the true meaning of the word "integrity," I must step down. I've done enough damage to the game. I can only hope that one day in the not too distant future, everyone who loves the game of football can forgive me. On a personal note, I am not without feelings and fair or not, the criticism I've taken during my tenure as Commissioner has been tough to take. I'm not ashamed to say I've cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion. I've self-medicated with twelve-year old single malt scotch more often than I'd like to admit. In fact, I'm hung over right now. I should warn those of you in the front row I'm feeling a bit nauseous and I'm seriously regretting the eggs benedict I had for breakfast. I suppose it's best I leave the stage now, both physically and figuratively. Thank you.

I can dream, can't I?