Doomscrolling the Patriots' Off Season

Can the NFL get any stranger? 

The Awful Silence of Bill

So, we're all kind of iffy about a guy and then he signs with an AFC rival and the rightwing, conspiracy-loving Whig Party of Patriots Nation lets out a cry filled with pain, regret, and mulled vitriol. 

"Fire Bill Belichick!"

Seriously? Like JuJu Smith-Shuster wasn't Nelson Agholor 2.0.

Pigskin Suspense

This seems familiar. Familiar isn't always a good thing. Or reassuring.

The Cautionary Tale That Is Antonio Brown

Antonio Brown has Office Spaced his way out of Pittsburgh and will play professional football for the Oakland Raiders in 2019.

There is, as the hipster commentators like to say, a lot to unpack here.

One Shoe Drops

I guess the pigskin gridiron cognoscenti were right about Dont'a Hightower re-signing with the Patriots.

Thank the Pigskin Jesus. I don't know how much longer I could've held my breath.

Intrigue

Dont'a Hightower has visited the Jets and Steelers. The Jets, apparently oblivious to the irony, fed Hightower cupcakes while the Steelers had Beach Boys music playing in their heads as Dont'a left the building. Malcolm Butler is heading to the Big Easy to get a sense of his true market value while the Texans would like his agent to know Butler could find a nice new home at Patriots South.

How intense have the Hightower/Butler narratives been?

Nobody's mentioned Jimmy Garoppolo for almost 24 hours.

Oops!

Reset the Garoppolo Clock to zero!

No News/Good News

Dont'a Hightower still hasn't signed with another team?

Yes?

Okay then.

A Day of Team Building

So much for the Patriots sitting out the first day feeding frenzy of free agency…

Prop Bets on the Future

Life itself is a prop bet, isn't it? As Aristotle once said, we're all day to day.

I'm pretty sure that was Aristotle.

Future Tense

Who knows where the road will lead us? Only a fool would say…

Fool? I guess that's where I come in!

The New Guys in Town

It was like nothing was happening and then all of a sudden I could barely keep up…

Jumping to Conclusions on the Dark Side of the Moon

The locals have sounded like that friend of yours who got dumped by that girl he thought was the one but you knew she was way out of his league and it was only a matter of time. Yes, she was beautiful, smart, had good sense of humor but she was kind of expensive, liked going out to expensive restaurants, seeing a show and you know he maxed out two or three credit cards buying her jewelry and perfume and those sunglasses she really liked. Then she dumped him. She was getting back together with her ex. Now he won't shut up about her. He keeps saying stupid shit about how if he'd proposed when he had the chance that they'd be happily ever after.

No.

That was never going to happen. Throw out all those Maroon 5 CDs she made you buy. Get drunk. Throw up. Look into debt consolidation options. I think that girl in accounts receivable is interested. No, she isn't as pretty as that conniving bitch that just kicked you in the nuts but she looks kind of cute and she hates Maroon 5 (I asked).

It's over. Time to move on already.

Some News is Good News

Wow. That escalated quickly.

Lacking Clarity

Clarity is almost always in short supply. Perhaps it's because our brains crave it. We can never get enough of it. Even when we have a pant load of clarity we want more. Our brains have a primeval need to make sense of things.

Of course, you should always be careful what you wish for. We could have a whole lot of clarity shortly after 4:00pm this coming Tuesday.

Rumor Mongering

Patriots Nation’s second favorite rumor – Larry Fitzgerald is still #1 – surfaced again on Saturday; several pigskin pundits and bobbleheads reported or confirmed retweeted Houston’s interest in a trade for Ryan Mallett. By the end of the day this rumor had been summarily dismissed by pigskin cognoscenti. Unfortunately, rumors Aqib Talib will play for Washington in 2014 only seemed to be gaining something like momentum. By Monday, it seemed a fait accompli.

Tamper Time

The so-called “legal tampering period” is about to begin. Aqib Talib, Julian Edelman and LeGarrette Blount are about to find out what their markets are. I’m sure their agents have that full page ad in the Globe thanking the fans for all the love ready to go. Love, as we should all know by now, is never enough.

Waiting for the First Shoe to Drop

Essentially, nothing has happened so far other than the Patriots not applying the franchise tag to any of their free agents. Yes, the Combine has come and gone and pigskin pundits and bobbleheads are pumping out mock drafts at a dizzying pace but the all important Pro Days have yet to transpire. Oh, and the NFL bumped the salary cap to $130m+ for 2014. So, yes, those things have happened but until March 11^th when free agency kicks off all fans can do is wait. Hope their own team’s free agents re-sign. And worry. And make supplications to the pigskin gods that their team trades for Darrelle Revis. Okay, maybe that’s just me.

Market Value

By the time you read this (something to do with temporal physics, the optic nerve and my chronic writer’s block), Ed Reed will be a Texan and Brian Urlacher will be a Bengal (I threw a dart). Wherever Urlacher winds up, like Reed, he will no longer be synonymous. The hardest thing about being the face of the franchise is when they take your face down off the billboard.

Look to the East

With a couple of high profile free agents taking their talents to South Beach, the inevitable question follows. Will Miami challenge New England for the AFC East in 2013?

A Sip of Kool-Aid

As a wise one hit wonder once opined, every new beginning comes from some otherbeginning’s end. We’re going to see a different offense from the Patriots next year and – fingers crossed – an improved defense. I’ve got a nice tall icy cold glass of Kool-Aid sitting right here in front of me. I also added a shot of vodka to it. You know. Just in case.