Did I say fearless? I think I may have meant feckless…
As
David Letterman used to say (sort of) these predictions are provided for
entertainment purposes only; please, no wagering.
NFC East
1. Philadelphia
– Too crazy not to win. Who isn't fascinated by the Philadelphia Experiment? Can
Sam Bradford's glass knees hold up? Did the Cowboys ruin DeMarco Murray? He
looked good in the little preseason action I actually saw. Details, details.
Let's face it, this is all about The Chip Kelly Methodology, Six Pigskins™ and his
psycho-social pigskin culture; it's about his cult of pigskin personality and
his fruit smoothies. And his glass-kneed quarterback.
2. Dallas
– Falling short again. Tony Romo seems destined to become one of the best NFL
quarterbacks never to play in a Super Bowl and Dez Bryant is always so much
more compelling as a tragedian. Jason Witten seems perfectly cast as a Starbuck
to Romo's Ahab and Head Coach Jason Garrett will play whatever part would've
gone to Shia LaBeouf, Queequeg or Singing Deck Hand #2.
3. New
York – Picking the Giants to finish 3rd is more about Washington than it is
about the G-Men. Did Eli Manning seriously think he should be the highest paid
QB in the NFL? Did I hear that? Was that a thing? It's still a thing.
4. Washington
– Dumpster fire.
NFC West
1. Arizona
– If Carson Palmer can stay on the field.
2. Seattle
– The Seahawks play within an emotional construct that starts with their Head
Coach, Pete "Pumped and Jacked" Carroll. The situation with Kam Chancellor
is going to hurt this team more from an emotive than a somatic point of view,
and losing a tone-setting safety definitely hurts on that front. Still a
talented team with Jesus' favorite quarterback so they'll probably make the
playoffs. Seattle fans can only hope God doesn't want to see how Russell Wilson
reacts to a 9-7-0 finish that leaves the Seahawks out of the playoffs on a
tiebreaker.
3. St.
Louis – This is going to be a long year for Nick Foles. On the other hand, it
could be a short year for Jeff Fisher.
4. San
Francisco – Lost too much talent.
NFC North
1. Green
Bay – Aaron Rodgers is really, really good at this football thing.
2. Minnesota
– I'm on the Teddy Bridgewater hype train, in the club car, enjoying an adult
beverage.
3. Detroit
– Is this the year Matthew Stafford steps up to elite status? No.
4. Chicago
– Is this the year Jake Cutler takes his foot off his dick? No.
NFC South
1. Atlanta
– No, I'm not really sure why. New Head Coach Dan Quinn? Healthy Julio Jones?
Whatever.
2. New
Orleans – Just as likely as Atlanta. Drew Brees does know this is his last
shot, doesn't he?
3. Carolina
– Not quite as likely as Atlanta or New Orleans. Something tells me 7-8-1 won't
get it done this year.
4. Tampa
Bay – I would've taken Mariota.
AFC East
1. New
England – Back to back? Back to back.
2. Buffalo
– Rex will have everyone on the shores of Lake Erie believing they can win the
Super Bowl and that might be just enough to reach 10-6-0.
3. Miami
– Everything will be looking good until Ndamukong Suh does something stupid and
gets suspended for four games.
4. New
York – Too many problems to fix. Keep the faith, Jets' fans. 2017 just might be
your year. Did I say 2017? I meant 2018. Okay, 2019.
AFC West
1. Denver
– You don't bet against Peyton Manning. Not in the regular season.
2. San
Diego – I guess this comes down to liking Philip Rivers better than Alex Smith.
3. Kansas
City – I guess this comes down to not liking Alex Smith as much as Philip
Rivers.
4. Oakland
– They're better, for sure, but better than awful still isn't good.
AFC North
1. Pittsburgh
– Yeah, they've got some issues to resolve on defense but there's no way I'm
taking Joe Flacco over Ben Roethlisberger. There are more e's in his name and
you know you can't spell elite without e. Two e's, actually.
2. Baltimore
– Still better than Cincinnati.
3. Cincinnati
– Still better than Cleveland.
4. Cleveland
– Still Cleveland.
AFC South
1. Indianapolis
– The Colts can't stop the run which might be a fatal flaw if they played in
another division.
2. Houston
– The Texans are starting Brian Hoyer at quarterback which might be a fatal
flaw if they played in another division.
3. Tennessee
– They're starting a rookie QB which might be a fatal flaw if that quarterback
was Jameis Winston.
4. Jacksonville
– This whole team might be a fatal flaw.
NFC Championship – Green Bay 20,
Philadelphia 48
AFC Championship – Denver 17, New
England 51
Super Bowl 50 – Philadelphia 41, New
England 42
Let's do this!
No comments:
Post a Comment