Dull Pitchforks and Unlit Torches

The long-awaited Wells Report on the Ideal Gas Law is bound to disappoint, much like other long-awaited events, like Chinese Democracy or the new Paul Blart Mall Cop movie. We wait and we wait and we wait and after a while it doesn’t even matter. Whatever it is, it will never live up to our expectations. I can't even tell you how much I'm dreading that X-Files reboot.

 

Is there a punishment for Deflategate severe enough to slake the blood-lust of the troll army that's had little to do these past three months but sharpen the tines of their pitchforks while their torches stand unlit in the corner?

I don't think so.

Revis signing with the Jets, the rule change eliminating the eligible/ineligible formation the Patriots used against the Ravens, the tampering slap-fight between the Pats and the Jets are little more than an amuse bouche when compared to the medium-rare porterhouse of Deflategate. With Spygate as the template, could the Patriots lose a 1^st round draft pick, get hit with 6- and 7-figure fines handed down to Belichick, Brady and the New England franchise, plus a suspension for Brady of 8 games?

Still not enough?

If the Patriots are exonerated – or perhaps I should say found “not guilty” – I can only imagine the flaming river of bile that will burst the pipes of the Internet.

There isn't much the spiral-eyed conspiracy truthers won't believe when it comes to the Patriots.

If Jim "It's not personal and by the way, where am I?" Irsay tweeted that Andreas Lubitz, who crashed Germanwings Flight 9525, was a former Patriot – a kicker on the practice squad – it would be trending in hours if not minutes and people would be wondering if it was something about the Patriots that created people like Lubitz… And Aaron Hernandez.

They believe the Patriots have the cheater nucleotide in their DNA. Really, the Patriots can't help themselves. They cheat because they're cheaters. They need therapy. Pharmaceuticals with side effects that include kidney failure, coma and in rare cases, death. A nice white room with padded walls, soothing music and lights that dim automatically when it's beddy-bye time. So the NFL couldn't find a “smoking gun.” Just because a cheater didn't get caught cheating doesn't mean he didn't cheat. It only proves just how devious the Patriots are. The really great cheaters, the pathological cheaters, the “I even cheat when I'm playing checkers with my kids” cheaters, they never get caught. They're too good at it.

Yeah.