Quarters

You know the drill. Entertainment purposes only. This is not a gambling site. Life is a series of random, often unsympathetic events we've somehow convinced ourselves are key piece of the master plan of a supreme being. And yet, I do not feel reassured.

Something like that.

Baltimore 17, Pittsburgh 20

I'm not sure I can enjoy the Ravens fall from pigskin grace. It's that moment where the good Samaritan has to intervene before our tragically flawed good guy almost beats the bad guy (who really does deserve it) into a medically induced coma. I think it's more likely than not the Ravens were involved in Deflategate but do they really have this coming? If the Ravens were that bad guy whose eyes and mouth are filled with blood and swollen shut, wouldn't you intervene? Not yet? You could be right. Okay. Go ahead. Hit him again in the face.

NY Jets 28, Miami 22

This feels like the kind of game where the Dolphins lose in the final seconds on an interception in the end zone thrown by Ryan Tannehill. After Tannehill threw a TD pass and ran in the 2-point conversion with 1:55 to go, putting Miami in position to win the game. And they recover the onside kick! And Tannehill drives them down the field with no time outs. And it's 4th and Goal! And the Dolphins lose. They just fell like that kind of team.

Jacksonville 13, Indianapolis 38

I'm afraid that 51-17 loss to the Patriots may have left a mark on the Jaguars.

NY Giants 17, Buffalo 37

The Bills' defense will play with Eli Manning like he was a cat toy. And if the Bills were cats, of course.

Carolina 23, Tampa Bay 6

Long year for Tampa Bay. But they're building something, right?

Philadelphia 41, Washington 13

I can't quit you, Chip Kelly.

Oakland 31, Chicago 3

The Raiders? The Raiders. Meanwhile, Bears' fans confront the realization it can get worse than Jay Cutler.

Houston 16, Atlanta 27

So, who's thinking this is the game Ryan Mallett breaks out with a 5 TD, 400 yards passing kind of game? Anyone?

Kansas City 23, Cincinnati 31

Andy Reid is on to Cincinnati. Yeah. Good luck with that.

Cleveland 7, San Diego 34

The Browns are abysmal and perhaps even worse; they're boring.

Green Bay 48, San Francisco 13

So, you're running a little low on the QB self-esteem and who shows up? Olivia Munn. And you know what that means? Dreamy demigod of the frozen tundra Aaron Rodgers can't be far behind.

St. Louis 10, Arizona 49

This week's "Parental Warning" game.

Minnesota 15, Denver 45

Peyton Manning is back! Peyton Manning is back!

Dallas 23, New Orleans 24

New Orleans won't realize it for some time to come, but this is not a "turning the corner" game for the Saints. It's more of a "Thank the pigskin gods Tony Romo's backup is Brandon Weedon" kind of game.