Why They Play the Game

There’s always something on the line.  Like, your job, for one thing.

That's the List

It makes me a little crazy (crazier?) when I hear an announcer say, “The way to beat Tom Brady is…” or “The way to beat Aaron Rodgers is…” when what they are really saying is, “The way to beat any great quarterback is…” because they always come up with the same list.

It Comes Around

It’s become something of a Christmas tradition for me to find a football book under the tree.  “The Education of a Coach” by David Halberstam, “Moving the Chains” by Charles Pierce, Michael Holley’s “Patriot Reign” and this year Holley’s “War Room.”  (If there are books about Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez I am blissfully unaware of them.)  Light reading compared to something like “Team of Rivals” (another Christmas book) but perfect for that week of downtime between Christmas and New Year’s.

Schot Through the Heart

Perhaps I’m enjoying this too much.  Certainly, I’m enjoying it too early.  Despite the complex scenario required for their post-season survival, until I hold my finger to the neck of the Jets corpse and fail to detect a pulse, stuff garlic in the mouth, cut off the head, salt and burn the body, I will continue to picture J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets running out the tunnel from the visitors’ locker room at Gillette Stadium for a playoff game with the Patriots.  Having said that, the Jets loss to the Giants in the Battle of New Jersey is almost too delicious not to savor.  I’ll just have another small slice of that pie, please.

The Man Who Lost His Dog and Then Found His Dog

Two days ago, once again careening into Christmas like the #9 car getting a little loose in turn 3, I noted with some anticipation the delivery of the box of meats and cheeses sent by my brother-in-law Scott that had become a holiday tradition.  Yesterday, it arrived.  Summer sausage and assorted cheeses that will be sliced and served up for the Christmas Eve football games, candies and petit fours and slices of fruit cake that will be noshed as an antidote to seasonal anxiety disorder.  Now, it’s a party.

Penultimate

Almost there.  Is it harder playing them one at a time when there’s only two games left?  I bet it is.  The math is simpler, for one thing.  Maybe that’s just me.

Money

Once again, we were reminded that anything can happen in the NFL.  The Packers can lose.  The Colts can win.  Tim Tebow can play well in the 1^st quarter. 

Good vs. Evil

There’s always a little bit of good guys and bad guys to the games.  Divisional games ratchet that up a notch or two.  Witness Tom Brady’s “I hate the Jets” comment.  Some Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads tried to run with that because it seemed out of character for Tom Terrific and then they realized, yeah, Patriots + Jets = Hate.  Growing up in Colorado and rooting for the Broncos before the John Elway era, I knew the Raiders were Evil but it was hard to see the Broncos as Good because they weren’t.  It was more like Mediocre vs. Evil than Good vs. Evil. 

Crazy Town

It’s that time again.  That time when 6-7-0 teams are talking playoff scenarios.  You know, the one where they win their remaining three games and everyone else loses all of their games.  It could happen.  But it probably won’t. 

It’s math.  Well, it’s Monte Carlo simulations.  That’s still math.  Fancy math. 

Buzzkills

My fellow citizens of Patriots Nation are serious buzzkills.  So negative.  So pompously whiny.  Are we become everything the pigskin blogosphere say they loathe and despise us for?  Smug entitled self-absorbed assholes?  Wait, don’t answer that. 

The Church of Tim

If the season ended today, Tim Tebow would be the quarterback of the AFC West division champs. 

So it was written.  So it has become.

Clarity Always Comes Too Late

The playoff picture seems to be coming into focus.  So soon.  Perhaps, but the math starts to get simple with five games to go. If the Bengals go 3-2-0 down the stretch to finish 10-6-0, the Jets would need to win out to avoid tie-breakers.  If I’m a Jets’ fan I would have to believe the Jets can do just that; at ‘Skins, Chiefs, at Eagles, Giants, at Dolphins.  As a Patriots’ fan, I’m looking forward to Miami knocking the Jets out of the playoffs with a last second field goal.  As for the NFC, with all those cars swapping paint in turn number three, I’m still waiting for the inevitable three car pile-up coming out of turn four to sort things out.

Thank You, Mr. Lincoln

Before I forget, let me wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.  All holidays are stressful, of course, but Thanksgiving has turkey, which is a de-stressing protein (it’s science!), which makes it awesome.  Also gravy, which triggers those areas of your brain that tell you what you’re doing is so, so right.  I don’t put anything on my plate that shouldn’t be covered with turkey gravy.  Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, biscuits and in a pinch, peas.  Hold the cranberry sauce.  I just can’t find out cranberry sauce is good with gravy on it, too.

I bet that’s what they eat in Heaven on Thanksgiving Day.  Solid gold bowls filled to the brim with cranberry sauce and turkey gravy.

They Call Him Tim

He just wins.


It's the only argument I need, Shawn!

Suck it, haters.

Just Another Post

Beware your worst fear; it will always come true.

Who said that?

You didn’t invite him to the party, did you?

I Can't Look Away

I know I shouldn’t let myself enjoy this.  I’m swilling a dry schadenfreude martini with a twist of lemon.  I will pay for it.  And yet, it is so, so very delicious.  I think I'll have another.

That Was Awesome

I didn’t see that coming.  Not with the way the Patriots had played lately.  Not with the Jets on a three-game roll.  Not in Jersey.  More importantly, I think I had a flashback to 2001 watching Rob Ninkovich do his best Mike Vrabel impersonation.  Andre Carter looked a little bit like Willie McGinest, didn’t he?  That felt reassuring.  But I don’t know who you compare Rob Gronkowski to.  Yeah, that’s pretty reassuring, too.  And Tom Brady kind of looks like Tom Brady. 

The Future Writes Itself

Like so many other things, the Albert Haynesworth era in New England ended exactly as we all thought it would; not with a bang but a whimper.  I know many a citizen good and true of Patriots Nation is angry and I don’t blame them but do we really want to gnaw this bone?  What are you supposed to do with all those 5^th round draft picks the Patriots are always stockpiling?  Belichick took a chance.  It didn’t work out.  He’s cutting his losses.  I’m more sad than anything else.  There was a small part of me that hoped over reason that Haynesworth would be 80% of what he once was in his days as a Tennessee Titan.  It’s too bad that didn’t happen.  That would’ve been a Sandra Bullock movie.  Life is not a Sandra Bullock movie though (even if it is based on a true story).  No, life is a William Friedkin movie. 

Deep Breath

The key to dealing with adversity is to maintain perspective; take a deep breath.  The other key is to remember to exhale.  Otherwise you pass out and you might hit your head on something sharp, like the corner of a coffee table.  No, wait.  The key to dealing with adversity is a slap in the face.  That will chill your shit out in a hurry.

Blue Monday

Why does football got to be so bad?  I don't know but it does.  What's to be done about it?  I'm not really sure but I'm reminded of the razor sharp insight of "Bleeding Gums" Murphy when he told Lisa Simpson, "the Blues isn't about about feeling better.  It's about making other people feel worse."

Suck it, world.

Life is a Metaphor for Football

I have a friend who says that football isn’t a metaphor for war; it’s the story of a man trying to find his freedom.  I’m not sure I know what he means but I suspect he’s right.  Whenever I hear football compared to war it bothers me.  I’m not sure we should compare anything to war.  Except war.  That’s the list.

The Greatest Man That Ever Lived

The Packers are back from their bye week.  That’s why I felt so empty last week!  No, wait.  I had that empty feeling because my pigskin paladins were junk-punched by a bitter rival last Sunday right before my horrified eyes.

A Nor'easter Ate My Blog Post

Everything is Forever

Barring an extinction level event or a failed backup, here in the digital age, we not only have to live with our mistakes, our children and our children’s children have to live with them as well.  They will also live with our successes but for most of us (all of us?) the mistakes far outnumber the successes.  And trust me, if the evidence fits on a thumb drive, you do not have the only copy, no matter how much you paid that man with the Portuguese accent.

A Lot of Football Left to Play

Numbers are meaningless without other numbers.  You don’t know if eating twelve pancakes is a lot without knowing the record for eating pancakes.  Well, okay, any sane person knows eating twelve pancakes is a lot.  Bad example.  But you know what I mean.  I mean those plate-sized pancakes you get at the Wells Diner not those saucer-sized pancakes at IHOP.  The blueberry pancakes at the Wells Diner are delectable, but I can’t imagine eating more than three.

Stampede!

I didn’t think the herd was this easy to spook. 

Maybe we’ve all become hypersensitive to doom.

Maybe we’re addicted to fear.

Flight.  Fight. 

Some or all of the above.

This is This

We need to tackle better.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->-      <!--[endif]-->Why Bill Belichick is a Pigskin Genius 

Soon The Pines Will Be Falling

Everybody in Detroit is hoping Bobby Lane didn’t say one hundred and fifty years.  Well, it’s probably not top of mind for everybody.  Not everyone believes in curses.  I do.  Just not in this case.  I don’t believe Bobby Lane cursed the Lions.  There are perfectly reasonable explanations for five decades of gridiron futility.  (I’m looking at you, Matt Millen.)  But that’s so over now.  The Lions of 2011 are three rebuilding years removed from the curse.  (And Matt Millen.)  These young lions in autumn roam the NFL veldt with sinewy grace, stalking their pigskin prey, striking suddenly, an overwhelming force moving with unimaginable speed and violence.  Yeah.  I just peed a little.

One in Five

No one here gets out alive.  Aside from the absolute and irrefutable finality of Death itself, there’s always a chance.  Even if it’s never been done before, there’s still a chance, however incomprehensibly galactic the odds may be.  Unless the thing that’s never been done before is cheating Death.  Weren’t you paying attention?  Reaper done wrote all the fine print, bro. 

Desperados

It’s not too early for teams and fan bases to panic.  It’s never too early for panic.  Football – all of life – is played out on that portentous, primitive plane where all decisions ultimately come down to fight or flight.  Panic doesn’t always lead to flight; sometimes it crystalizes as bravado.  As someone who was looking certain defeat straight in the eye once said, lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.  If that’s the case, Go Dolphins!

Heroes and Villains

Subtext is everything.  It’s so important that teams will often create one.  “Nobody believed in us!” is always good because even the most favored of favorites only get 7-1 odds at best.  And “Nobody believed in us!” is a much better rallying cry than “Only 14% of you believed in us!”  Winning, it seems, is not the only thing.  Winning with a backup right tackle is far sweeter.  Beating your archrival with a backup right tackle, a second-string QB and a street free agent wide receiver is a half decaf soy latte with organic raw wild honey.  Yum!

Breaking the Hitler Rule

You know what I hate?  I hate people who qualify their apologies with “if it offended anyone.”  Is there some doubt?  You’re apologizing just in case your words (or actions) offended someone?  No, you’re apologizing for a reason.  There’s no need for if; you definitely offended someone.  Most likely, you offended a whole lot of someones or you wouldn’t be updating your web site, tweeting “my bad if I off ended u” or holding a press conference to make a public act of contrition.  So, just say it.  I’m sorry.  I know I offended many and I deeply and sincerely regret the hurtful things I said.

 

Is that so hard?

Apparently, it is.

90 Degrees of Football

Somewhere in Dallas, somebody is asking “What’s the deal with Tony Romo?”  And that somebody’s name is Jerry Jones.

To Have and Have Not

As Bill Parcells famously said, you are what your record says you are in the NFL.  To every point there is a counterpoint (to paraphrase Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Motion) so we must also consider Jerry Glanville’s equally famous observation that NFL stands for Not For Long.  Have I tortured this lede sufficiently?  Let’s see, I’ve randomly referenced Newtonian physics in a pro football blog.  I’d say, yes, yes I have…

A Bad Day at the Office

It happens.  On the plus side, the last time the Patriots lost to the Bills in Buffalo, New England went on to win the Super Bowl.  So, there’s that.

Cheer up!

Big Game Mentality

I find it hard to sit down and watch any game with absolute confidence that my heroic pigskin avatars will prevail.  That may sound funny coming from a Patriots fan; in the last five regular seasons, New England has won 63 and lost 17, a .788 winning percentage.  Anyone can have a bad day at the office but Tom Brady has had fewer than most.  I should worry?  But I do.  Even before the games I know they should certainly win (a home game against Miami in December) I suffer spectral anxieties about the rare happenstance only the most sophisticated of predictive analytics could account for.  I will regularly consider the game turning on a receiver slipping to the turf, turning a certain reception for a first down into a pick six.  That happens.  All the time…

Romo's Rib

So Washington defenders, or DeAngelo Hall anyway, have figured out that hitting a guy in the ribs who has a broken rib would likely result in said guy – Dallas QB Tony Romo – being rendered hors de combat.  And they decided to go public with this knowledge, totally dissing Jon Kitna.  I’m Jon Kitna, bitch!

Moving Day

Too soon?  Maybe not.  As bad as the odds to make the playoffs were for 0-2-0 teams the numbers are positively grim if you fall to 0-3-0.  The difference between 2-1-0 and 1-2-0?  In one case, you’ve got something to build on.  In the other, you have to remind everyone – especially yourself – that this is a long season, a marathon and not a sprint, plenty of time to turn things around…  Yeah, right.  As the kids say, destiny is not easy to run from…

A Small Data Sample

In honor of Week One:  We hurt each other.  In honor of Week Two: We do it again.

People and Things that Came Before

So, I guess the Dallas Cowboys will be playing the part of al Qaeda.

No Country for Old Linemen

Are the Patriots too old to win the Super Bowl?  If so, the Steelers are going to need canes, walkers and maybe even some of those awesome electric scooters I see advertised on TV if they’re going to make it to Indianapolis.  I mean, they’ll need planes and buses, too, of course.

The Constant

I was mentally prepared for the post-Favre era but an opening weekend without Peyton Manning?  I’m not sure I’m ready for that jelly.

Death by 27 Cuts

Hard to say there were any real surprises as the Patriots and 31 other NFL teams cut their rosters from 80 to 53.  The moving and shaking hasn’t stopped, of course. 

Not a Hater

As hard as I try, I just can’t be a hater.  I think I realized this when I could only name three movies to my Top 10 Hated Movies list.  I’m sure some have seen more but I have seen quite a few movies.  Doing some math in my head for a few seconds I came up with an estimate of 3,000.  Not all in the theater, of course.  I’m going to say 2,000 on tape or disk.  That’s like a tenth of a percent.  I feel like I should hate at least 1% of the time.  Only a robot could hate less than that.

Money is Respect

In a capitalistic society everything is measured in legal tender.  Everything.  Most importantly, social status.  My socioeconomic status is currently at the “has a refrigerator-freezer with and ice-maker in the door” level.  I’m good with that.  Not that I’d mind being at the “has a second house on Maui” level but as my wife often says, that’s not going to happen.  Not unless my “I’ll buy PowerBall whenever I think of it and hope I win $200 million dollars” financial plan plays out in what even I would characterize as an unexpected fashion.  On the other hand, my initial plan to invest in the stock market is hardly looking much better. 

Panic in Detroit

Click your heels together and say, “It’s only pre-season, it’s only pre-season, it’s only pre-season…”

Questions Three

Life is full of questions.  Life is also full of answers.  It’s connecting the two that seems to be the hard part.  And yeah, I’ll be saving “If God loves us then why is there poverty, hunger and starvation?” for later.

Unsolicited Advice

Have you ever noticed how when you’re venting about your miserable life at the proverbial water cooler, enumerating your bosses many faults in profuse detail, gingerly navigating domestic tensions as you suspect your co-workers may actually like your spouse better than they like you, bitterly considering a dystopian future following the election of Rick Perry where global climate change melts the polar ice, unlocking herds of Tyrannosaurus Rex and flocks of pteranodons, cretaceous creatures flash frozen millions of years ago when that meteor as big as Texas turned Hudson Bay into Hudson Bay.  The reanimated thunder lizards move south and eat their way through Montreal, stopped over at the Boston Aquarium to eat all the exhibits, ultimately turning New York’s fashion district into one big human sushi bar and just when you’re getting to your point people will interrupt you and offer you solicitous counsel you have no need of, recommending recently read books on gluten free diets that will not change my life or do anything about my self-esteem in the board room.  But the best is when they tell you how they've already set up their basement with all the supplies necessary to hunker down long enough for the dino-scourge to move on to other population centers in the south...  

You Ready?

Color me giddy.

High Five

Name your top five NFL quarterbacks.  Most of us have – in some order – Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers and Aaron Rodgers.  Maybe you like Ben Roethlisberger better than Brees or Rivers.  Michael Vick?  Matt Ryan?  Okay.  Anybody got Eli Manning in their top five?  Show of hands?  No?

The Ocho

Reputation is a funny thing.  Like getting “Stinky” as a nickname in middle school.   You better hope your parents can afford out of state tuition.  Things like that stick.

NFL Re-Boot

With a new CBA, Brett Favre’s retirement (fingers crossed) and the change in kick-off rules, I guess we could call the 2011 season a re-boot.  Not to mention the comeback for They Still Call It Football.  Much like Daunte Culpepper, I'm not sure anybody was waiting four our comeback, but we're back.  And so is football!  Yes, it's only pre-season, but pre-season is the season of hope.  Reason?  Not so much.  Hey, let’s face it.  Who wouldn’t want to live in a world where someone has clicked their heels together and believes there’s no QB like Tavaris Jackson?   Seattle Seahawks fans!  Ba-da-boom!   (Too soon?)  When your starting quarterback goes 3-5 for 33 yard (and NO INTERCEPTIONS!) in a pre-season game and you’re on Expedia the next day booking your Super Bowl trip, you probably should remind yourself that your house is still under water.  If you aren’t rooting for the Eagles, Packers, Saints, Falcons, Patriots, Jets, Steelers, Ravens, Colts or Chargers, relax.  Take that money and buy yourself a 65” 3D TV, instead.  Do it for the kids.