Why Does God Care So Much About Russell Wilson

Will Russell Wilson's contract situation be a distraction? How much money does God want Russell Wilson to have?

 

After Ndamukong Suh's contract, after the guaranteed money in Darrelle Revis' contract, I couldn't imagine why Russell Wilson should sign an extension before hitting free agency. Unless, of course, Seattle made an offer that made him the highest paid player in the NFL – with a shit ton of that money guaranteed. Wilson is saying all the right things, like the classic "I love [fill in the blank current team's city] and I hope I can stay here." I do like the fact that Wilson didn't go with "I love this game so much I'd play for free," instead setting his floor at $1.5m. It's professional football after all, not pro bono football.

Maybe Wilson does love it in Seattle but would he really hate it in Chicago or Denver or Houston or New York?

More importantly, what is God telling him (and would you listen to Him if he was telling you not to have sex with Ciara)?

Remember the feeding frenzy when Peyton Manning became a free agent? Manning was coming off neck surgery, on the back end of his career, as infamous for his post-season failures as his record-setting regular season performances. Wilson is young, healthy, and a Super Bowl champion. (Yeah, okay, that was a bad pass but it we've all agreed to blame Pete Carroll for the call, haven't we?) Russell Wilson is mobile, clutch (mostly) and throws a great deep ball. He has an insurance policy in force so he should simply play out his contract and start planning his 8,000 square foot mansion made of Italian marble, furnished in teak and mahogany, with doorknobs fashioned from precious gems, windows made of gorilla glass and a home heating system fueled by anti-matter.

Wilson's contract won't be a distraction until right after the Seahawks lose two games in a row and everyone starts asking if his contract is becoming a distraction. Then it most assuredly will be.

That moment will be, of course, another pop quiz from God.

Russell Wilson's God strikes me as a little bit old school, an Old Testament God. The Old Testament is chockablock with believers being tested to testify. You know, "God said to Abraham, 'Killme a son'" kind of tests. God was pretty chatty back in the day. He was also cool with slavery, wealth management and slaughtering the non-believers. Tough times need a tough God, I guess. When one of your Employees of the Month is a guy named the Angel of Death I think it tells you all you need to know about the company's business model.

What does God mean by "sex?" Is it Bill Clinton's definition of "sexual relations?" What was that conversation between Wilson and Ciara like?

Wilson: Hey, babe. I got some good news and some bad news.

Ciara: Let me have the bad news first.

Wilson: Okay. God spoke to me and he wants us to abstain from pre-marital sex.

Ciara: Wait-What? Pre-marital? You're getting just a little bit ahead of yourself aren't you?

Can Ciara give Wilson a lap dance as long as there's no physical contact? Is it okay for Wilson to masturbate while watching Ciara's music videos?

What if it isn't God but one of his teammates, a practical joker with access to advanced electronics? Remember, there's a speaker in Wilson's helmet. Maybe Wilson always wears his helmet when he's talking to God?

Probably not. If that was the case the next thing "God" would tell Russell Wilson is that he wants him to tell Ciara to have sex with that teammate while Wilson watches.

All this God stuff may actually be a bigger distraction than Wilson's belief that he can fit a camel through the eye of a needle. Is he saying that Richard Sherman, Michael Bennett, Marshawn Lynch and the rest of the Seahawks had to lose because God wanted to test Russell Wilson? (Did God's plan include the Packers choke job in the NFC Championship game? I'm guessing the answer to that has to be yes.) Are Wilson's teammates already calling him Jesus, Jr. behind his back (and not in a good way)?

Maybe if the Seahawks start the season 9-0-0 his teammates will still be calling him Jesus, Jr. (only in a good way).

Whatever the case, I will say this. It makes me feel better about being an atheist knowing that if I did believe in God he might tell me not to have sex with Ciara (or in my case, Cate Blanchett). That would be a deal-breaker for me.