Deflategate: The Movie

Count me among those who will be happy to see 2016 go. As Jerry Thornton so eloquently put it (start around the 0:58 mark for full effect), 2016 can eat a dick. That was before 2016 had a fourth quarter for the ages. 2016 can eat a bag of dicks. Any "Best of 2016" list is an oxymoron. Can a year be cursed by gypsies? Did we slip into an alternate, upside down timeline? If so, how do we get back?

Personally, I've been hiding in football since early November (I think you know what I mean) and I have no intention of coming out anytime soon.

What Would Bill Do?

I've wondered in the past why so many NFL franchises struggle. There are only 32 general manager jobs to be had; you'd think in a matter of a few years all of those jobs would be filled with competent employees. Granted, based on performance it appears to be a difficult job but how large is the applicant pool for those 32 jobs? Hundreds? Thousands? I'd say the same about head coaching positions. And yet, that is definitely not a happening thing. How many consistently good NFL franchises are there? I'm going to say six; Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Broncos, Packers, Seahawks. Maybe you have another franchise or two you'd add to the list. The Chiefs lately? The Giants maybe? The point is that you're not coming anywhere close to naming even half of the league as consistently good.

I've also noted previously that context of relative mediocrity is the key to New England's success on the field. They've won most games - organizationally - before the football leaves the tee.

The Patriots are the blueprint. Eight consecutive divisional crowns, six Super Bowl appearances over fifteen years with four wins. So, why don't other teams just ask, "What would Bill do?"

A Chance To Be Special

Yes, I'm getting ahead of myself. Yes, the Patriots need to win in Miami first. If they do, and it won't be easy, New England will finish 14-2-0 with the #1 seed in the AFC and home field for the playoffs. They will have ended three-game road losing streaks in Denver and Miami and finish the regular season undefeated on the road. They will have accomplished all of this despite having to start the season without Tom Brady and having to finish the season without Rob Gronkowski. This could be one of the best Patriots teams of the Belichick era and that's not a statement that can be made lightly. If Brady throws 3 TD passes without an INT this Sunday, he will own the single season record for TD/INT ratio (he currently holds 3 spots on the Top 10 list). If the defense pitches a shutout, they will become the stingiest Patriots defense of the Belichick era for points allowed.

Still a few questions left to be answered, of course.

Feeling Random

I'm a bit at loose ends today. Random thoughts. Questions without answers. Maybe it's the time of year, as the poet once wrote, or maybe it's the time of man…

Simple Doesn't Mean Easy

It's really simple for the Patriots. Win in Miami and they'll have the #1 seed in the AFC bracket and home field throughout the playoffs.

That doesn't mean it will be easy.

If there's a road venue that rivals Denver for the New England Patriots, it's got to be Miami.

Never Too Early To Get Ahead Of Ourselves

Monday morning and the gridiron cognoscenti are busy talking themselves into their favorite "Has a Chance to Beat the Patriots" team. There's Team KC and Team Steelers. The Raiders minus Derek Carr have been filed in the "What Might Have Been" folder and cross-tabbed with "Wait Till Next Year." Oakland can still secure the #1 seed and still no love for Matt McGloin! (I know what you're thinking; you're thinking Matt McWho?)

Miami and Houston, well, thanks for the regular season narratives. They were fun. Enjoy that first round home game, Texans!

17 Wasn't Enough

It couldn't be a better Christmas. The Patriots demolished the Jets on Christmas Eve, we got out to see "Rogue One" (and we followed that up by watching "Star Wars IV: A New Hope" when we got home) and the kids will be over for Christmas dinner later today. As a young man I never really thought of myself as the paterfamilias but I'm really looking forward to figuring out how to fit all those chairs around the table, not to mention all that food on the table. The turkey's in the oven and I'm working on my fourth mimosa. Good times? Good times.

Who Knows?

When the big story of the week is just how much trade value your backup quarterback has, things are pretty good. When the second biggest story of the week is just how incredibly drunk the wide receiver you picked up on waivers was, that's not so good. Life. It's not just a board game.

Butt-Puckering Time

Most NFL fans find themselves somewhere between anger and acceptance at this point in the season. Denial was left in the rear view a few weeks ago. For others, though, there is still plenty of fear, uncertainty and dread left. Well, except for Cowboys fans, who have nothing better to do till the playoffs start than stuffing Salvation Army buckets with cash. Merry Christmas to (almost) all!

Pigskin Futures

If I may paraphrase Indiana Jones… "The Jets… Why'd it have to be the Jets?"

A Double Standard Means There Is No Standard

I know what you're thinking. Another Patriots fan who just can't let go of Deflategate.

Of course, that's never going to happen. We're never letting go. Then again, we're not the ones picking the scab.

Fuzzy on the Whole Good-Bad Thing

It's crazy. Brady just had his worst game of the year and I actually feel better about New England's Super Bowl hopes.

Old School

I really thought I  preferred the 33-20 wins but winning 16-3 in Denver felt good. So good.

Defense wins championships, right? I think I heard that somewhere once.

DIY Pigskins

Last night, Patriots fans were rooting for the Jets. If the Dolphins had lost, the Patriots would've clinched the AFC East. Today, Dolphins fans will be rooting for the Patriots as a Broncos loss would give them inside position for a Wild Card spot over the reigning Super Bowl champs.

The NFL. It's an emotional roller coaster that ends with most of us throwing up.

Things To Do In Denver When You're Tom

So, the chatter amongst the pigskin chattering class this week has been all about Tom Brady's own personal House of Horrors, a house built from SoCal Kryptonite, Sports Authority Field at Mile High. Rightly so. Minus his 2-7-0 record in Denver, Brady wins 80% of all other games played. So, yeah, that's a thing.

Griff, We Hardly Knew Ye

Like almost any other player cut by other teams, Michael Floyd's release following a DUI arrest started a flurry of hot takes from the local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads on whether the Patriots should sign him up. There was the usual high minded moralizing about the troubled but talented wide receiver, concluding that even though Floyd checked all the boxes for what New England needed at the position - as in, alive and breathing - the Patriots shouldn't add Floyd to their injury depleted wide receiver group. Ride or die with an "everyone thinks there's something wrong with" Julian Edelman, a dinged up Chris Hogan and rookie Malcolm Mitchell and his bionic arm.

Bill Belichick disagreed.

Thanks for everything we never had, Griff Whalen. We'll miss not missing you.

Just a Couple of Thoughts

So, I've been seeing a little bit of Deion Branch in Malcolm Mitchell for a while now and pardon me for spiking the football but…

Nailed it!

Oh So Wrong But It Feels So Right

I was wrong. So wrong.

Idle Thoughts by the Fireplace on a Chilly Sunday in New England

It's a long wait till Monday night…

The New Manchurian Candidate

I wouldn't call the story that Russian interests hacked the US presidential election in an effort to get Donald Trump elected "news" or a "revelation" unless you weren't paying attention. If it was Russia's intent to undermine confidence in the US election then certainly they would've gone after both candidates. They didn't. They attacked Hillary Clinton, not Donald Trump.

For whatever reason, the American people would prefer to believe Hillary Clinton is running a child sex ring out of the basement of a pizzaria than a real estate mogul is entangled with Russian oligarchs despite the lack of evidence in the case of the former and the well reported facts in the case of the latter.

It's hard not to think that we deserve everything we're about to get.

Just Hit AB AB Up on the Destiny Controller

With the Raiders loss to the Chiefs Thursday night, the Patriots now control their playoff destiny.

But didn't they always? Don't we all control our own destiny? I mean, outside of the extinction level event scenarios like the Yellowstone supervolcano blowing the entire state of Wyoming into the atmosphere or an asteroid the size of Texas leaving a Texas-sized hole where Texas used to be.

Otherwise, we're good, am I right?

Coffee and Pgskin Contemplation

Sunday morning. A cup of coffee. Some contemplation.

The Sky Is Falling

We're going to miss him. Let's get that out of the way. Your team doesn't lose one of the 10 best players in the league and not have it hurt. We've all been hearing or reading how Gronk's absence affects Brady's numbers, and by extension, the Patriots offense. The local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have adopted the role of stern church deacons, necks bulging, warning us of the pigskin Armageddon about to befall the kingdoms to the east of the Connecticut River. The national pigskin pundits and bobbleheads ghoulishly repeat the prognosis on Gronkowski while arguing over whether this makes the Raiders the new favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. 

Fantastic Pigskins And Where To Find Them

So, Bill Belichick is the head master of a Pigskin Hogwarts. And yes, okay, he came from the House of Slytherin. Geez, just one Voldemort an an entire house gets a bad name. Anyway, I'd say Belichick is more Snape than He Who Shall Not Be Named. Whatever. Be a hater.

Meanwhile, Belichick must occasionally play Quidditch against mere muggles. 

No surprise this game wasn't flexed to prime time.

I Feel Good

Tom Brady. Again. For the 200th time.

As scary and as indelible as that moment was, as LeGarrette Blount reversed field and Brady turned upfield, willingly if ineptly placing himself in harm's way, just the act of playing through the pain - and pulling out the win - could be even bigger in the long run. An end of the second act moment. A this might be something that could be something kind of moment. Yeah. I feel good. So good.

I know I shouldn't be so optimistic but I really do think we had a moment there. Brady gutting out the win on a gammy leg. The recently re-minted Captain leading by example. I'm definitely sensing a moment in the narrative here. The cold-blooded game-winner to Malcolm Mitchell seemed almost effortless despite the somewhere in the neighborhood presence of the ghost of Darrelle Revis. That was a moment, too. Still. Tom Brady running interference as LeGarrette Blount reversed field. Brady blocked like a man running through a field of rabid badgers. (No badgers were harmed in the running of that play.) It was horrifying. I held my breath. Somehow, Brady avoided all the badgers, er, Jets. On a gammy leg.  

I suppose Derek Carr may have had that moment, too, what with his comeback following the nausea-inducing dislocated little finger on his throwing hand. (Just saying I believe Brady would've recovered the fumbled snap had it been his and not Carr's little finger smashed sideways. I wouldn't have. I would not. I would've snapped. A stress-induced madness brought on by a searing, blinding pain. Total personality dissolution, if only for a few fleeting yet harrowing moments. All I would've been able to think is... FINGER! But that's me. Brady would've not only picked up the fumble but he probably would've then thrown a TD pass. Maybe not. I'll admit it; that's crazy talk. Probably. That finger was way gnarly. Okay, let's leave it that Brady would've recovered the fumble.) Carr pulled out another 4th quarter win for the Raiders, using a glove from Stark Industries to finish the game (after his finger was un-dislocated).

It's the expectation of fame. The responsibility of celebrity. Win the locker room and you win in the 4th quarter. It's the pigskin subtext for some straight up Joseph Campbell with a Carl Jung chaser. Brady. Carr. Parallel storylines that Einstein himself would tell you are destined to collide. It's hero time. Big damn hero time. Big damn pigskin hero time.

Brady, though. He's owned the Patriots locker room for a long time now. There are guys on the roster who literally grew up watching Tom Brady win Super Bowls and be otherwise awesome all the time. Now they're in the same locker room, on the same practice field, playing games with him.

It's got to be surreal to be Malcolm Mitchell or Joe Thuney or any of the 20-somethings on the roster. Hey, Malcolm Mitchell! Tom Brady just called you clutch, dude. What's that like?

I just let myself think about SB51 and it felt good.

Why Is It Always Snakes?

There's a moment in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when Indy says, "Snakes… Why is it always… snakes."

That's how I feel about Jets games.

Game Time Decisions

For those of us east of the Connecticut River the seven most reassuring words in the pigskin 'verse are "Tom Brady, expected to play this Sunday..."

Far less reassuring are "Tom Brady, game time decision..."

Newsworthy

As I scanned the usual and customary web sites this morning I was reminded of that old saying; things are never as good as the seem or as bad as they seem. Except when they are.

The Perfect is the Enemy of the Good

Are there other fan bases that gnaw on their own ankles as if their foot was caught in a bear trap of doom and despair after a 30-17 win? There aren’t, am I right? It’s just us, the good citizens of Patriots Nation, isn’t it? I thought so.

Fascinated By The Process

Thank the pigskin gods, yet one more time, for Tom Brady.

Let me start with the touchdown pass to Malcolm Mitchell. It was sublime. It was like watching a great NBA point guard hit a streaking swing man on the fast break. A Eurostep dunk. The quick step to the right by Brady to stay alive in the pocket. The nanosecond between recognition and execution. The defender, with his back turned, has no idea what is about to happen. Brady’s pass is thrown perfectly; a dart, it hits Mitchell in stride. When Mitchell catches the ball, the defender is suddenly surprised and in the moment of hesitation that follows shock, Michell is gone.

I will revisit the highlights from this game many times just to see this play again and again.

So beautiful.

Metric This

“There are lies, damned lies and statistics.”

-Mark Twain

“Stats are for losers.”

-Bill Belichick

Bill Belichick is a secret stat nerd. He just doesn’t want you to know it. I get it. It’s complicated. But I like to keep things simple. As Belichick himself has acknowledged, there is one stat that matters; points.

Rooting Interests

We’ve reached that point in the season where I care almost as much about other teams losing as I do about the Patriots winning.

Almost…

I'm On To San Francisco

Look, I get it. Dallas looked like Godzilla in the Tokyo financial district in the win over Pittsburgh. Then Tom Brady couldn’t overcome the ennui and Gronk couldn’t make a catch playing with a punctured lung and the Patriots had lost their second home game. It was… disconcerting. At the end of the day they simply didn’t play well enough to beat a team as good as the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe it’s a good thing. A Zen slap. An icy cold glass of wait-what? The proverbial wake-up call. Maybe it will be good in the long run...

On to San Francisco!

I'm Trying

I’m trying. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to acceptance. Too many thoughts I doubt I can ever reconcile…

The Perfect Distraction

Yeah, I’m not going to talk about it. The thing. You know. The thing. We’re on to… who the hell knows, really? But I bought the ticket a long time ago. I’ll take the ride.

Where was I? Oh, right. We’re on to Seattle.

Narrative Seeking

As we hit the halfway mark in the season, there are a few storylines I’m tracking. Well, it’s more that I’m narrative seeking than narrative tracking. After all, anything can happen in this crazy pigskin world…

Something Special

I’m about to get way ahead of myself here but I’m not the only one. National pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have ceded the AFC to the Patriots and started wondering if there’s a team that has a chance to beat them in the Super Bowl. The calculus of the statistically minded says Tom Brady has never been better. Local fanboys have noted the 2016 team is as Patrioty as any Patriots team ever.

Yeah, I’m going to go out on a limb here. I think we’re watching something special happen.

Wait - What Just Happened?

When the Patriots traded Chandler Jones I thought - and hoped - that would mean New England could keep both Dont’a Hightower and Jamie Collins.

So, yeah.

Great Expectations

There are times when I’m confused by all the hating on the Patriots and Patriots’ fans. Then there are times like this last week when I totally get it.

What was that offensive game plan against the Steelers, anyway? Where’s the pass rush? Or the pass protection? Those fumbles! What happened to special teams and the kickoff coverage? Speaking of kicking, has Stephen Gostkowski lost it? Was that missed extra point in Denver his “wide right” moment?

Do you really think they could’ve won that game if Big Ben had been available?

Yeah. Just how much better than 6-1-0 can you get? Oh, right. 7-0-0.

Cleveland Brown’s fans can only dream of having such problems. Jacksonville Jaguars’ fans have no idea what I’m talking about. (If the Patriots had beaten the Jags like the Titans did the post-game narrative would’ve been all about what we should make of those garbage time touchdowns the Jaguars scored; you’d have to play better than that to close out a quality opponent!) Minnesota Vikings fans are pinching themselves even after that junk punch game in Philly last week. Bears fans...

Well, I could go on but it would just be cruel.

Anyway, I guess this is all just my way of saying…

They're All Big Games

In this case, Rex Ryan ain’t wrong. This Sunday’s Patriots-Bills game is big.

Or as Rex’s candidate for President might say, it’s bigly.

Easterlies

Hard not to think the Patriots may have taken the Steelers a little bit for granted with Ben Roethlisberger on the sidelines. Still, despite the fumbles, the drops, the poor play on special teams, the Patriots did what other teams were supposed to do with Tom Brady on the sideline in September (only they didn’t). They won.

Deflategate Karma

I promised myself I’d leave Deflategate in the rear view. Like Tom Brady, I wasn’t going to worry about the past; I was moving on but that’s been easier said than done. Maybe it’s all the chatter from pigskin pundits and bobbleheads about Brady’s “Revenge Tour.” Maybe it’s that Colts owner Jim Irsay just refuses to shut up. Maybe it’s simply the siren call of schadenfreude (so delicious). Whatever the reason or reasons, I hope you’ll indulge my bitter inner child just this once.

Return of the King

I’m just rolling around the internet, reliving the literally triumphant return of Tom Brady. Tom Terrific. The Blueprint. Perfect Tommy. Young Odin. The Icy Commander. The G.O.A.T.

If this is shaking off the rust, I can hardly wait till Brady gets loose.

Tense and Nervous

It hasn’t helped the collective pigskin psyche of Patriots Nation to see “Julian Edelman, foot” show up on the injury report. Or “LeGarrette Blount, hip.” Not to mention the rumors about Gronk’s balky hamstring. Who would’ve thought “Marcus Cannon, calf” would’ve been a cause for concern? Maybe after losing at home, getting shut out by a division rival coached by Rex Ryan, everything is a cause for concern.

Pigskin Perspective

I wasn’t always a Patriots fan. I was an Army brat and rooted for the New York Giants, the Denver Broncos and Buffalo Bills before I moved to New Hampshire to finish off an unnecessarily overwrought BA degree in English Literature. Naturally, I got a job in information technology by converting a work study position into a programming position. The rest is history, as they say.

Turning the Page

So...

...that's how that feels.

Maybe we need to be reminded of how that feeling feels every now and then.

Like once every 23 years.

Well...

We're on to Buffalo!

Everyone Gets Paid Back

The Patriots have announced Jimmy Garoppolo as the starting QB for this Sunday’s game against Buffalo Bills. You can go ahead and tick the box next to Toughness on Jimmy G’s curriculum vitae.

Okay, the game still needs to be played but assuming Garoppolo can be 80% of what he was in the first half of the Dolphins game, GMs in half the NFL’s franchises will start putting together back of the napkin trade offers while they watch the 4:00pm games.

Here’s a hint: The bidding starts at a 1st and a 4th. That’s the floor. Now tell me what you got that’s better than that. Can you hold? I’ve got Chicago on the other line.

It's Probable I'm Questionable

So, NFL TV ratings are down?

Maybe you shouldn’t have suspended pigskin heartthrob Tom Brady for four games.

The only man doing worse with white, college-educated women than Roger Goodell right now is Donald Trump. Those women are not voting for Trump and they all wish they were Gisele Bundchen.

And so do their husbands.

I’ll be here all week.

Bank

With that third win in the bank, Sunday morning is all coffee and donuts. A beautiful autumn day. I’ll treat the wife to a movie and dinner and try not to get caught checking the scoreboard on my phone. The only chance the Bills have is a debilitating case of jet lag for the Cardinals. The Dolphins should take care of business playing at home against the hapless Browns. Let’s face it, all I really care about are Manish Mehta’s first place New York Jets. Can the Chiefs stop the Jets in Arrowhead? Yeah, I’m not counting on that.

All Three Phases

Say it with me now. Situational. Football.

Sometimes that situation is starting your 3rd string quarterback on a short week against a team with coaches that know you better than anyone else because they all worked or played for you.

Tailgating in my Living Room

I’ve had some variation of Mexican food for the first two games, both wins, so you know what I’m firing up for tonight. Enchiladas, jalapeno poppers, salsa, guac and chips. Guacamole isn’t just for the Super Bowl, you know.

Best Season Ever

I know it didn’t feel like it when Jimmy Garoppolo was falling to one knee, blinded by pain.

I know it didn’t feel like it in the second half when the Dolphins were roaming freely in the Patriots secondary.

I know it didn’t feel like it when Stephen Gostkowski’s potential game-clinching field goal attempt went wide right.

But trust me.

This is how the movie “Best Season Ever” starts.

The Next One

The Patriots were 9.5 point underdogs on the road last week and won. Now the Dolphins come to Foxborough as 6.5 point underdogs.

That probably doesn’t mean anything, right?

Right?

The Encore

The second start of Jimmy Garoppolo’s career was going to be the biggest. Of course, that was because we thought it would be coming off a loss. And because it’s a divisional game. At home. You can’t lose a divisional home game. Well, unless you’re the Buffalo Bills. Then you absolutely can do that. If we’re being honest, we all thought 3-1-0 was the best case scenario for Jimmy G. 3-1-0? We were going to be happy with 2-2-0. The Pats would lose in Arizona and they’d lose on a short week to the Texans. But they had to win the divisional games against Miami and Buffalo. They had to. That’s why Week 2 was going to be so important.

It still is.

The Quarterback Non-Controversy

Maybe it’s just that everyone has been so jealous of Tom Brady for so long they’d like to believe he’s actually jealous of someone else.

I’m looking at you Jimmy G!

Perfect Sunday

No Gronk. No Nate Solder or Sebastian Vollmer. No Ninkovich. No Dion Lewis.

No Tom Brady.

On the road, playing a team with legitimate Super Bowl aspirations.

Hey, everybody’s got their problems. All anyone ever cares about is results.

New England 23, Arizona 21.

W.

This was the game they were supposed to lose. Even with Brady this was supposed to be a tough game to win. The most optimistic of Jimmy G boosters conceded a 3-1-0 record would be pretty much the best case scenario. All of us felt a 2-2-0 start would be good enough, especially if those two wins were against Miami and Buffalo.

Now?

Now we’re on to Miami.