The Charmed Life of T.E. Brady

After winning his fourth Super Bowl and third Super Bowl MVP he was due for a little down time, vacationing in Costa Rica with the impossibly cute kids and his stunning super model wife, a little surf and sand, cliff-diving, golfing and balling with MJ…

You hate him 'cause you ain't him.

Dull Pitchforks and Unlit Torches

The long-awaited Wells Report on the Ideal Gas Law is bound to disappoint, much like other long-awaited events, like Chinese Democracy or the new Paul Blart Mall Cop movie. We wait and we wait and we wait and after a while it doesn’t even matter. Whatever it is, it will never live up to our expectations. I can't even tell you how much I'm dreading that X-Files reboot.

Little Brother, A Play in One Act

Jets: Ha! I can file tampering charges, too! I'm going to file tampering charges every time you say anything! I don't even care if you don't make a forward-looking statement.

Patriots: You know, I might stop treating you like a little brother if you stopped acting like one. A petty, whining little brother. We're actually the same age, you know.

Jets: That's tampering! Tamperiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg! Hey! Stop! Don't stick me in the closet. Again. Oh, man!

Patriots: I'm late for my pedicure. I'll let you out right afterwards. And then I'll kick your ass. Again. Bye now.

Rules for Dummies

The NFL does realize they're admitting Bill Belichick is the smartest guy in the room, don't they?

Rules for Rich People

New York Daily News scribe Manish Mehta's recent "Petty Patriots" post seemed to get the locals post-St. Patrick's day Irish up. I must admit, I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm not sure why I should care what anyone in NYC has to say about the Patriots or their fans. Even as a Patriots' fan I'm loathe to personalize the mewling protestations of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads from everywhere west of the Connecticut river. On the other hand, Mehta's column certainly deserves deconstruction, Fire Joe Morgan-style…

Invinceable

Bill Belichick got rid of the best offensive lineman he ever coached and the Patriots went on to win the Super Bowl.

Now he's gotten rid of the best defensive lineman he ever coached. So, Super Bowl?

Speculating

It seems the good citizens of Patriots Nation have lost their collective shit. Suddenly, the football players on the New England roster – the team that just won the Super Bowl – aren't any good, at least not as good as all the football players on the rosters of the Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins and New York Jets. Those teams have all taken a step up and the Patriots have taken a step down. In case you forgot, they were lucky to win the Super Bowl. They're doomed. Might as well not even show up because why bother? Even the most optimistic of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads believe the Pats will struggle to win the AFC East in 2015. Super Bowl 50? Don't even go there. Don't even. Don't.

The good news? There isn't another franchise in the NFL that plays better with a chip on their shoulder than the New England Patriots.

Jumping to Conclusions on the Dark Side of the Moon

The locals have sounded like that friend of yours who got dumped by that girl he thought was the one but you knew she was way out of his league and it was only a matter of time. Yes, she was beautiful, smart, had good sense of humor but she was kind of expensive, liked going out to expensive restaurants, seeing a show and you know he maxed out two or three credit cards buying her jewelry and perfume and those sunglasses she really liked. Then she dumped him. She was getting back together with her ex. Now he won't shut up about her. He keeps saying stupid shit about how if he'd proposed when he had the chance that they'd be happily ever after.

No.

That was never going to happen. Throw out all those Maroon 5 CDs she made you buy. Get drunk. Throw up. Look into debt consolidation options. I think that girl in accounts receivable is interested. No, she isn't as pretty as that conniving bitch that just kicked you in the nuts but she looks kind of cute and she hates Maroon 5 (I asked).

It's over. Time to move on already.

Some News is Good News

Wow. That escalated quickly.

Lacking Clarity

Clarity is almost always in short supply. Perhaps it's because our brains crave it. We can never get enough of it. Even when we have a pant load of clarity we want more. Our brains have a primeval need to make sense of things.

Of course, you should always be careful what you wish for. We could have a whole lot of clarity shortly after 4:00pm this coming Tuesday.

Hope Takes the Early Lead

It's never easy being a Patriots fan. The latest update on Darrelle Revis? There is no update. If Bill Belichick had been Secretary of State, nobody would even know what his email address was (nobody alive, anyway).

"We're on to Iran."

What does that even mean?

Big Vince

We saw it coming. The math was simple. We've seen this movie before. Still, it's a sad day in Patriots Nation. Godspeed, Big Vince.

Pigskin Apocalypse

Okay, I understand what I'm about to do is one of the reasons why Pats fans are so loathed by other fan bases.

I actually saw somebody ask the question. If New England loses Revis and McCourty, why not trade Brady? Just blow it up and start over.

Strangely enough, I can't help considering it.

Let me just say I hope Tom Brady retires a Patriots. I will also observe that after nearly 15 years of sustained excellence, blowing it up just doesn't sound like Bill Belichick. Unlike myself, he doesn't seem like a personality driven by unreasoning fear and dread. He might lose both Revis and McCourty but "Oh well, let's trade Brady!" doesn't seem like the next move Belichick would make.

Or does it? Deep down, we have to admit we have no idea what Bill Belichick will do.

So let's roll with the pigskin apocalypse.

Let's say Revis and McCourty walk and let's say Belichick decides to clean house. He trades Brady to Tampa Bay for the #1 pick in 2015 (and something totally random like a 3rd round pick 2016 and a 2nd in 2017). He trades or releases Wilfork. He clears cap space with an axe. When he's done he's got enough cheddar to sign Ndamukong Suh and he does. He has enough left over for Mike Iupati and Jabaal Sheard. Belichick trades the #1 pick to the Browns for the 12th and 19th picks in this year's draft (and more mid-round picks this year and next. I know, I'm getting dizzy!) Belichick could do just about anything at this point. Trading one of those 1st rounders for more picks in the 2nd and 3rd is just so Bill but it's more fun if we stick and pick.

Let's say the 12 is WR Devante Parker or DE/OLB Vic Beasley or CB Jalen Collins and the 19 is NT Danny Shelton or OLB Bud Dupree or something really crazy like RB Todd Gurley. At this point, Belichick has something like three picks each in the 2nd and 3rd round. He drafts all three Florida State offensive linemen. He adds depth at all three levels of the defense and a tight end none of us have ever heard of but has a crazy good 3-cone drill time.

Add that talent to a roster that's got Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman, JoJo LaFell and LeGarrette Blount on offense and Chandler Jones, Rob Ninkovich, Dont'a Hightower and Jamie Collins. Let's say Tim Wright and Dominique Easley step up. Let's say Malcolm Butler isn't a one-hit wonder.

Let's say Jimmy Garoppolo is the next Drew Brees.

That could happen.

Or let's say the Patriots sign Revis and McCourty.

And Tom Brady wins his 5th Super Bowl and 4th Super Bowl MVP in a Patriots uniform.

Yeah. Can someone make that happen?

Doing Business

I'm trying not to panic. Really I am.