Why the Wells Report is Taking so Long

Day 80-something. I've lost track. I'm out of water. I ran out of food days ago. I've torn my t-shirt into strips. Are there any nutrients in cotton? It's probably a blend so maybe whatever it's blended with has some nutritional value. I hope so. I really wish I'd paid more attention in that freshman zoology class now. I'll tell you this. No matter how long you leave a football in the refrigerator, yes, it gets softer but it's still completely inedible, even with ketchup.

The questions remain, however, even as a fever burns in my starving brain. Why is the Deflategate investigation taking so long?

 

Computer Generated Rod Serling: It takes a long time when you're searching for something that isn't there. I mean, how do you know when you're done when you don't find what you're looking for when you're trapped… in the Twilight Zone!

Scene: Roger Goodell's office at NFL headquarters. Goodell's office echoes the Oval Office in the White House but rebranded; the NFL shield replaces the crest of the United States, pictures of former head coaches instead of former presidents and so on. Roger is seated behind his desk as Ted Wells enters with a thin sheaf of papers in his hands.

Ted Wells: Hey, Roger. Yeah, look. This deflated football thing…

Roger Goodell: You finally have something?

Ted Wells: Uh, not exactly.

Roger Goodell: Not exactly?

Ted Wells: No.

Roger Goodell: No?

Ted Wells: I got nothing.

Roger Goodell: Nothing? This is the Patriots! Belichick! And that pretty boy Brady! Ooh! I just hate him! Giselle was supposed to be mine! Wait. Did I just say that out loud?

Ted Wells: It's okay. Attorney privilege.

Roger Goodell: There's got to be something!

Ted Wells: Look, nobody's more surprised than I am but…

Roger Goodell: But what?

Ted Wells: But, well nothing! I've talked to everyone. Twice. I could go on Jeopardy and run the table if one of the topics was thermodynamics. I had to change my phone number and email address because Rex Ryan kept calling me and texting me and sending me mail notes, offering to wear a wire for the Bills' games with the Patriots. I've looked at every piece of videotape three and four times. I don't know if I can watch Indianapolis get crushed by New England in the AFC Championship again. It's depressing. I mean, the Patriots just curb stomp them. Isn't that the term? Curb stomping. It reminds me of the scene in the "Godfather" when Sonny gets shot like a million times and then one of the gunsels kicks him in the head. And if I have to talk to that locker room attendant about his bladder control issues one more time I think I might tear off all my clothes, set my hair on fire and run screaming down Park Avenue.

Roger Goodell: So, you don't think having Rex wear a wire is worth pursuing?

Ted Wells: You're kidding, right? Belichick owns Ryan. He's got a room in Ryan's head and he's got the TV on NatGeo turned up real loud with monkeys screeching at each other. You don't think Belichick wouldn't take one look at Rex and not know? He knew when we had you wired.

Roger Goodell: I still think that was a lucky guess.

Ted Wells: Look, I've been playing Madden for the last two weeks. If you want to keep paying, I'll keep cashing checks but well (putting the thin sheaf of papers on Goodell's desk) this is it.

Roger Goodell: (picking up the papers) This? Is it? (holding the papers as if testing their weight) If I were a college professor I'd have to give this a D. (testing the weight again) D-minus.

Ted Wells: And half of it's an appendix that's a copy of the Wikipedia page on the Ideal Gas Law.

Roger Goodell: Fucking Belichick. Man, why did I let Kensil talk me into this. My butt still hurts from the Mona Lisa Vito press conference. Belichick kicked my ass and then he just dropped the mic. I slept for 20 straight hours and had nothing but thin soup and dry toast for a month. I was physically ill. Fuck that guy! He ruined "My Cousin Vinny" for me forever. Really, anything with Marisa Tomei in it. Ruined.

Ted Wells: Could've been worse, I suppose.

Roger Goodell: What's that supposed to mean?

Ted Wells: There's also an appendix with a copy of Marisa Tomei's IMDB page.

Roger Goodell: (flipping through the pages, stopping to read) Yeah. Okay. I see what you mean. There's nothing there in my Netflix queue, for sure. (flipping back) So, how long is the actual report? One page? One page!

Ted Wells: I tried using an 80-point font but it made it seem more, well, ridiculous somehow. And it was still just one page.

Roger Goodell: (putting down the report) Well, maybe you were right. It could've been worse. There could've been evidence of a conspiracy involving the Colts, the Ravens and/or the League in some combination…

Goodell and Wells both laugh loud and hard.

Roger Goodell: (wiping tears from his eyes) Caught with both hands in the cookie jar. The awful, soul-chilling laugh of Belichick echoing every moment of public humiliation. Not that this isn't bad enough, of course. I mean, it hardly makes us look barely competent let alone marginally effective.

Ted Wells: If it's going to end badly it's better it end quickly.

Roger Goodell: Wise words, Wells. Perhaps you could've worked them into the report somehow. Stretched it out to two pages.

Ted Wells: I'm quoting a "West Wing" episode. I think. So, am I done?

Roger Goodell: (feeding the pages into a shredder behind his desk) I want you to keep digging.

Ted Wells: Please. No.

Roger Goodell: I want you to ensure this is investigation leaves no stone unturned. Did you talk to Rohan Davey?

Ted Wells: Yes.

Roger Goodell: I really thought that was going to be something.

Ted Wells: Doesn't the fact we interviewed Rohan Davey define this investigation as encyclopedic?

Roger Goodell: Is that Latin for "no stone unturned?"

Ted Well: Uh, no. I don't think so.

Roger Goodell: Well, then?

Ted Wells: Well, then. I suppose I shall return to my relentless efforts to defend the integrity of the game from underinflated footballs.

Roger Goodell: No need for the sarcasm, Ted. Frankly, it's beneath you.

Ted Wells: I'm quoting my mission statement.

Roger Goodell: Oh, right. Well, do that then!

Ted Wells: Okay, then. If you need me, I'll be in my office, playing Madden.

Wells exits. Goodell continues shredding the Wells Report. When he's finished with that, he looks around his desk for more paper to shred.

And… Scene!