Julian Edelman's Beard

I'll admit, I don't really like to know the intimate details of celebrities' lives. Especially the ones I like. Okay, just the ones I like. My heroes, if you will. The rest I'm more than willing to listen if you have something quirky or salacious or just plain creepy. (Unless it's about Mariah Carey. Too creepy. Clear your browser history creepy.) I like Julian Edelman because he plays for the Patriots but I'm not all that interested in his obsession with hamburgers or his Swedish baby mama.

Okay, yes I am.

And yes, his beard is impressive, though I'd say Rob Ninkovich's is better. I don't really care to know the details of beard grooming but I guess we're down to that, aren't we?

And still five days to go…

Let's do this. Let's take the road more traveled…

Wishing and Hoping

The week leading up to a Patriots game is fraught with anxiety. I know that may be hard to believe if you live west of the Connecticut River. New England has won nearly 80% of their games with Belichick and Brady. Why worry so much? Because Belichick (and his coaches and players) will make this week's opponent sound like a combo platter of the Greatest Show on Turf Rams and the Super Bowl Shuffle Bears. Intellectually I know it's just that Belichick has too much respect for the game and the men who play it to take any team lightly. Still, my inner child with his fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of ego dissolution, fear of - well, you get the picture - my inner child can't help but feel a little nervous.

And with two weeks leading up to a Super Bowl against a legitimately dangerous opponent?

My inner child is currently curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, whimpering quietly, hoping no one can hear.

Patriots So White

I hope you haven't turned "Chris Hogan played lacrosse in college" into a drinking game. If so, you're probably face down in a puddle of your own vomit. Best wishes on a speedy recovery.

It's The Same Old Song

I guess there's no other way to put it. I've just been blackout drunk on the Patriots win in the AFC Championship Game. I finally woke up today and after a quick look around, all I could think was...

I really could use a drink.

I guess Willie Shakesberg was right; there really isn't anything new under the sun. Everyone west of the Connecticut River hates the Patriots. The Patriots are cheaters. (These two narratives may be related.) Bill Belichick is a genius albeit of the evil variety. (This may also be related to the "everyone hates the Patriots" narrative.) Everyone west of the Connecticut River hates Tom Brady. (Sensing a pattern now.) Tom Brady is the GOAT. Or not. Either way he's smug, condescending and arrogant. Blah, blah, blah.

What Was Your Question?

Well, I guess the Patriots defense finally played somebody.

Sunday Morning Coffee and Contemplations

Coffee. And bagels with cream cheese. It's a good start.

Lucky Socks

Apparently, Bill Belichick doesn't own a pair of lucky socks.

On the other hand, Robert Kraft might believe in lucky charms. Tedy Bruschi will be the Pats honorary captain for this, their sixth consecutive AFC Championship Game. New England is 8-0 in previous games honoring Bruschi.

It couldn't hurt.

Wishful Things

Look, I'll take the W however it comes. But last week's game took a lot out of me. It was a five vodkas game. My liver could really use a blowout this Sunday.

Let's start with...

Reputation

Apparently, the New England Patriots are a goddamned freak of the unnatural world. They haven't played anyone and yet somehow they've won 15 games. How does that even happen?

Locker Room Talk

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Do Your Job... Better

Last night, the worst possible thing happened for whoever the Patriots play next.

Bullet Dodged

Watching the post-game pressers, I thought, "Is there another coach in the NFL who'd be as pissed off as Bill Belichick obviously was after winning a playoff game 34-16?"

No. The answer is no.

Keep Grinding

This can't be good news for the Houston Texans. It seems Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots refuse to take the Texans lightly.

So much for the element of surprise, I guess.

If You're Crazy Would You Know You're Crazy?

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result then, well, I was crazy to want to see the Patriots face the Giants in the Super Bowl, wasn't I?

Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Phew! That was pretty crazy.

Well, one less thing to worry about, I guess.

But enough talk about my mental competence or Super Bowls.

We're on to Houston!

The team, not the city.

Lucky or Good?

Is luck a thing? If so, is it a thing that seeks balance; a thing that will shove that horseshoe up your ass sideways at the worst possible moment?

Passive-Aggressiv Rooting Interests

I know I should be rooting for the outcomes that best benefit the Patriots quest for another Super Bowl. If I knew with certainty what that might be I suppose I would cast my karmic energy into the pigskin plasma. Sometimes, though, I just can't help myself.

Root for the Steelers?

Come on, man.

Thinking The Unthinkable

Would Bill Belichick trade Tom Brady?

I guess another way to put that question would be...

Could that ever be the best thing for the team?

More Human Than Human

Tom Brady is a Malcolm Gladwell book; "Outliers" or "Blink." Or both.

You Don't Know What You Don't Know

So, I finally saw the smirk. The haters know what I'm talking about. The Tom Brady smirk. That crooked Mona Lisa smile that greets yet another press conference question asking him what he saw out there. Tell us about [fill in the player's name] and what he meant to the Patriots today/this season. Tom! Tom! Do you think you're the MVP? Tom! Tom! You know I never said you were a cheater; I always had your back! Tom! Over here, Tom! How important was getting that #1 seed?

Yeah, I finally saw the smirk.

And it was awesome.

Turning The Page

The solstice was ten days ago. Spring is months away. The calendar itself is an arbitrary and imperfect schedule defined thousands of years ago by people who thought the sun revolved around the earth. Despite all of this, there's still something special about the start of a New Year. The slate has been cleaned. Resolutions are made that are all basically about making a fresh start. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise and get in the best shape of my life. I'm going to live in the moment. I'm going to fire the people I told everyone a year or two or three ago was going to bring their football team to the Super Bowl. My bad. Moving on.