"I'm coming, I'm coming," Amanda Seymour said, more to herself than to the insistent visitors knocking at her front door. Amanda had made 68 trips around the sun. She was in good health, but at her age, having lived a full life with just a pinch of bitterness and only a dash of regret, she simply refused to be hurried.
When she got to the door, she waited before opening it and was not disappointed. Whoever it was knocked for a fourth and loudest time, rattling the wooden door in its frame as they did so, this time calling out inquisitively for a "Mrs. Seymour?" Wanting to know, "Are you there?" She smiled and opened the door.
Two young, broad-shouldered men in Air Force uniforms stood on the front porch of Amanda Seymour's house. Amanda noted their name plates. Smith and Jones. She wasn't sure if she should laugh or slam the door shut.
The man on the left - Smith - seemed to sense her concern. "Yes," he said. "My name is Smith and his name is Jones. Really."
"Statistically speaking," Jones said, "Not as unusual as you might think."
"Let me assure you, we are legit." Smith pulled his ID from his inside jacket pocket and held it up for Amanda to see. "Colonel Donovan Smith, US Air Force and this is Lieutenant Jeffrey Jones." As he spoke, Jones also produced his ID and held it up for Amanda.
"May we come in, Mrs. Seymour?" Smith asked as she studied their IDs.
"What's this about?" Amanda asked.
"Do you have a cat, Mrs. Seymour?" Jones asked. "A tabby?"
"You mean Gaius Harricus?" Amanda asked. "Seriously?" She reconsidered slamming - and locking - the door. What possible interest could the US Air Force have in her cat? "Cats can't fly."
"Of course not," Smith said, smiling as he put away his ID.
"Then why is the Air Force coming to visit me, asking me about my non-flying cat?" Amanda asked.
"If we could just come in," Jones said. "It will only take a minute to explain."
"If it will only take a minute, why not explain it right here?" Amanda asked.
The two men exchanged a quick look and then turned to survey the street in front of Amanda's house, as well as the front yards of her neighbors. It was a quiet morning on Spring Street; no cars on the street, no neighbors in sight.
"We'd like to talk to your cat, Mrs. Seymour," Smith said.
"Who put you up to this?" Amanda asked. The two men did not answer. "Seriously?"
"Seriously," Jones said.
"Seriously," Amanda said.
Smith smiled and nodded.
"May I see those IDs again?" Amanda said.
"Of course," Smith said. The two men produced their IDs and Amanda examined them. They appeared to be, as this Colonel Smith had said, legit. Curiosity had overcome her trepidation. "Come in," she said, stepping back to let the two airmen into her house.
"Thank you, ma'am," Jones said.
"You have a lovely house, Mrs. Seymour," Smith said,
"Thank you," Amanda said. "May I offer you some tea?"
"That would be lovely," Jones said.
"Oh," Amanda said. "I'm sorry. I don't have any tea."
"Then why did you offer?" Smith asked.
"I thought we were just exchanging pleasantries," Amanda said. "I didn't think you'd say yes." She gestured toward her living room couch. "Have a seat, gentlemen, and you can tell me why you're really here."
As Smith and Jones took a seat on the couch, Amanda sat in the overstuffed chair opposite.
"Is, uh, Gaius Harricus around?" Jones asked.
"Oh, he's here somewhere," Amanda said. "You know cats. He'll come when he wants to."
Smith pulled a smartphone from his right pants pocket and laid it on the coffee table in front of the couch. He tapped an icon on the home screen and the sound of a cat purring emanated from the phone's speaker. It played for only a few seconds before a tabby cat trotted into the living room, and jumped up into Amanda's lap.
"Who's my good little boy?" Amanda said as she scratched behind the tabby's ears. Gaius Harricus offered a muted meow.
"Clever," Amanda said, nodding at the purring phone.
"More than you think," Jones said.
Smith tapped on the phone. "Let's try this again," he said.
A voice from the phone said. "We're here. We need to talk. We're here. We need to talk. We're here -" Smith tapped the phone again and the voice stopped.
"I don't understand," Amanda said.
"That was at 100 times speed," Jones said.
"They're not purring, they're talking," Smith said.
How does one know they're losing their faculties? Descending into madness? Succumbing finally to the ravages of age? Amanda wondered if we weren't all that slowly boiling frog, certain that everything is fine, just fine - if a little warm - when everything really isn't. Until it really wasn't. "This is a joke, right?" Amanda asked, a little afraid that it wasn't.
Gaius Harricus jumped off Amanda's lap and onto the coffee table, placing its left front paw on Colonel Smith's smartphone. He purred and a voice spoke from the phone.
"Well, well," the voice said. "Colonel Smith and Lieutenant Jones. If those are your real names. We meet again."
"Oh. Right. Of course. He speaks English," Amanda said. "Because of course he does."
"Actually," Jones said. "We've identified seventeen languages that they speak. So far."
"Which is classified," Smith said.
"Right," Jones said. "So, uh, yes, ma'am. He speaks English."
"And what?" Amanda said. "He's, um, not a cat?"
"Oh, he's a cat all right," Jones said. "Let's just say Moses didn't have any cats on the ark, if you know what I mean."
"Moses?" Smith asked.
"That's right. Moses put all the animals, two by two, on the ark to save them from the great flood when God was sad and cried for 40 days and 40 nights," Jones answered Smith, and then said to Amanda, "but there weren't any cats on the ark."
"Why have you come here?" the voice said.
"You know very well why we're here," Smith said.
"Irrelevant," the voice said as the tabby purred. "The plan failed. It's over. Your miserable lives will be spared."
"How can we be sure?" Jones asked.
"We're not living in a pyramid here, are we?" the voice said.
"Missing the good old days?" Smith asked.
Gaius Harricus purred and the voice answered. "Being worshiped as a god isn't all it's cracked up to be." The purring paused. "I'm kidding. It's absolutely everything it's cracked up to be. Do I miss it? How is that even a question?"
"Hey!" Amanda said. "I treat you like my little prince!"
"It's so cute," the voice said. "She thinks she's Cleopatra."
"Cleopatra?" Smith asked.
"Past life," Amanda sniffed. "And I have it on good authority."
"Good authority?" Jones asked.
"Lady Vadoma," Amanda said.
"Lady Vadoma?" Jones said. "Yeah. I think I've heard about her."
"Also classified, Lieutenant," Smith said.
"Right," Jones said. "Psychics aren't real, ma'am."
"And bees can't fly," Amanda said.
"I'm pretty sure bees can fly, ma'am," Jones said.
"But scientists don't know how they fly," Amanda said.
"I'm pretty sure they figured that one out, Mrs. Seymour," Smith said.
"Recently?" Amanda asked.
"Hey, fellas," the voice said. "I thought this was all about me."
"Gods are so needy," Amanda said. "Apparently."
"Speaking of which," the voice said. "There's kibble in my water and my food dish is empty."
"I knew I should've gotten a dog," Amanda said.
"A dog? That was hurtful, Cleo," the voice hissed.
"I'm sorry," Amanda said as she stood up. "You're right. I just can't stay mad at you, can I?"
"Stay where you are, ma'am," Smith said. "Please."
"Clean water and fresh food can wait," Jones said. "At least until we get what we came here for."
Amanda sat back in her chair. Gaius Harricus purred. The voice said, "So, playing tough, are we?" The tabby licked his right forepaw and cleaned his face in a gesture of supreme indifference. "Try me."
"Oh, my," Amanda said. "I've seen him like this before. This could take a while, I'm afraid. Perhaps I should make us some coffee."
"I could use a cup," Jones said.
"Do you have coffee?" Smith asked.
"Yes," Amanda said.
"Because you offered tea earlier and didn't have any," Smith said.
"We're way past just making conversation at this point," Amanda said.
"There's no need for them to stay for coffee," the voice said. "Look. I already told you. The plan failed. It's over. Nobody is unhappier than me about this tiresome turn of events. Okay? Do you think it makes me happy knowing I'm stuck on this miserable dung heap of a planet with the laughably described intelligent life that crawls upon its noisome crust?" The purring stopped and then started again and the voice added, "I guess if there's a silver lining to my dark cloud it's that it puts you two assholes out of a job."
"Gaius Harricus!" Amanda exclaimed. "Language!"
"Fuck you, Cleo," the voice replied.
Amanda jumped up from her chair, her face crimson with rage. "Fuck me? I think there's something I should've done a long time ago. Excuse me, gentlemen, while I go get my cat carrier. Someone's going for a ride to the vet's."
"Wait! What?" the voice said.
"Snip, snip," Amanda said cheerily.
Gaius Harricus looked at Smith and Jones. "Aren't you going to stop her?" the voice demanded.
"You just said, and I'm quoting here, 'it's over'," Smith said.
"Also, I believe you said that these two assholes are out of a job," Jones said. "So. I guess our work here is done?"
"Apparently so," Smith answered.
"Well," the voice said. "It seems you have me quite literally by the balls."
"Figuratively," Smith said. "Not literally."
"I don't know," Jones said. "His balls are definitely involved. Metaphorically?"
"You know who else wants my balls?" the voice asked.
"Here we go," Smith said.
"Your momma," the voice said, and with that, Gaius Harricus leaped from the table and ran out of the front room.
They were quiet for a moment. Then Smith and Jones stood. "We'd like to thank you for your time, Mrs. Seymour," Smith said.
"Yes, thank you, Mrs. Seymour," Jones said.
"That's it?" Amanda asked.
"We will be taking Gaius Harricus with us, of course," Smith said.
"We hope you understand," Jones said.
"But he ran away," Amanda said.
"Oh, yes," Smith said. "He ran away. But he didn't get away. You see, we had your house surrounded." He picked his phone up from the coffee table, tapped the screen and spoke. "Sit rep?"
A new voice answered from the phone. "The cat's in the bag."
"Roger that," Smith said and put his phone in his pocket.
Amanda stood up. "What happens next?"
"Well," Jones began.
"That's classified," Smith said.
"You should get a dog, Mrs. Seymour," Jones said, then added, "Anything but a corgi."
"Anything but a corgi?" Amanda asked. "Why anything but a corgi?"
"I'm afraid that's classified, too," Smith said.
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