Best Case Pigskins

Now that the NFL schedule has dropped, it's win projection season! Yes, it's meaningless, and nobody actually cares after the fact, kind of like life itself. So… Let's go!

I'm taking an unreasonably, indefensibly optimistic view of the 2022 Patriots because, as meaningless and uninteresting as it may be, I'm just living my best life here, at least until life itself actually happens to me. (Spoiler Alert: It always ends badly). Anyway...

Home team in CAPS…

Week 1: Patriots 34, DOLPHINS 19

Mac Jones goes off in front of family and friends. I have a feeling McCorkle has had enough of those Tua-Tyreek videos. Also, Damien Harris does not fumble on the 1-yard line. Can a Week 1 game can't be a "must win?" Yes. I say the answer is yes when it's a division game on the road. And when the claim to "Best Alabama Quarterback in the Division" is at stake.

Week 2: Patriots 38, STEELERS 10

I hated the Roethlisberger-era Steelers. I guess I feel a little sorry for the Post-Roethlisberger Steers. No, wait.! I don't.

Week 3: PATRIOTS 24, Ravens 21

The pigskin actuarial charts aren't nearly so kind to uber-athletic, "wins with their legs" QBs as it is to dad-bod, pocket passing QBs and I'm just feeling like Lamar Jackson's window may already be closing. The Patriots have enough safeties to contain Jackson and the Ravens offense. Nick Folk for the win.

Week 4: Patriots 31, PACKERS 34

 Yes. It's a reverse jinx. I live for the Aaron Rodgers Sad Face.

Week 5: PATRIOTS 51, Lions 13

The Matt Patricia Game! But seriously, another big day for McCorkle the Conqueror, another tough day for Lions fans. It would be great if someday the Lions were good enough to make it to the playoffs and win a Super Bowl. Just not this day. Or any day in the near future, for that matter. I mean, the world ends with a Lions Super Bowl win, doesn't it?

Week 6: Patriots 41, BROWNS 20

The Browns are kind of a mess. Who saw that coming? I'm not sure who plays QB for the Browns in this one but it won't be Deshawn Watson (tell me he'll be suspended for fewer than 8 games because I don't have enough reasons to be angry today) or Baker Mayfield, who will be playing league average QB somewhere else.

Week 7: PATRIOTS 48, Bears 17

Da Bears! I'm wicked pumped for any game where Mac Jones goes up against one of the four QBs drafted ahead of him, as in this match up with Justin Fields. I suspect the Pats QB is the kind of competitor who already has this game circled on the fridge magnet. Primetime, baby, with McCorkle dropping dimes and doing the griddy.

Week 8: Patriots 55, JETS 19

J-E-S-T! Jest! Jest! Jest! See above re: QBs drafted ahead of Mac Jones. At what point do the Jets move on from Zach Wilson? When he's 0-6 vs. McCorkle? 0-8?

Week 9: PATRIOTS 31, Colts 28

Do you think seeing a Patriots uniform triggers Matt Ryan?

Week 10: Bye

Who are Tom Brady and the Buccaneers playing?

Week 11: PATRIOTS 51, Jets 16

Just 51 points this time? Make them run the hill again, Bill!

Week 12: Patriots 44, VIKINGS 23

Happy Thanksgiving! Loosen your belt and have one more slice of Primetime McCorkle.

Week 13: PATRIOTS 10, Bills 7

For first place in the AFC East! Belichick has had a year to come up with a counter for Josh Allen: A weather machine! In Bill we trust!

Week 14: Patriots 41, CARDINALS 28

This just feels like the game that knocks Arizona out of the playoffs and costs HC Kliff Kingsbury his job. Remember when he and Kyler Murray were a match made in gridiron heaven? No? Come on, people, that was just two years ago!

Week 15: Patriots 37, RAIDERS 6

Bill Belichick will say how much he respects Josh McDaniels. Bill Belichick will say every game is important. Bill Belichick will say this is just another game. It isn't.

Week 16: PATRIOTS 34, Bengals 35

Will that Super Bowl Loser Curse strike the Bengals? I don't think so. Too bad. Not a very merry Christmas present for Patriots fans but hey, it's winter and we need the coal. Mood: Vodka.

Week 17:  PATRIOTS 51, Dolphins 3

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Excuse me for one moment as I relive Tedy Bruschi's pick-6 and the snowball fireworks that followed… Okay. That was fun. Moving on…

Week 18: Patriots 13, BILLS 31

With the AFC East and the #1 seed in the playoffs all sewn up, Bailey Zappe gets his first start as an NFL quarterback.

*****

So, is 14-3-0 really going to happen? Yeah, probably not, but then again, none of this matters, so why should I try to be reasonable and come up with a 9-8-0 projection?

I'm not here to be reasonable.

Go Pats!