Ghost Town

"Three days?" Alex asked.

"Five days," Sam said.

"Text?" Alex asked.

"No response," Sam said.

"Email?" Alex asked.

"Same," Sam said.

"DM?" Alex asked.

"Nada," Sam said. "I called and left voicemail. Several voicemails."

"Several voicemails?" Alex asked. "Needy much?"

"I know, I know," Sam said. "I even went to her apartment yesterday and her roommate Judy said she hadn't seen her in days but she seemed really uncomfortable. Yes. Okay. I knew she was lying."

Alex nodded. "Welcome to Ghost Town, my friend," he said. "Population you." 

His relative lack of experience in love and life had never held Alex back from offering unsolicited advice and his buddy Sam's break up was no exception. "Maybe it's better this way. I mean, this way you have no idea why Cate dumped you. Would you rather she told you face to face you were terrible in bed?"

"It's the lack of closure," Sam said. "And why would you think it was because I was bad in bed."

"Terrible," Alex said. "I said terrible in bed."

The two friends were sharing a basket of wings while drinking a beer at The Tin Palace after work, working through Sam's latest failed attempt at romance.

"I'm not sure I see the difference," Sam said.

"It's orders of magnitude. Terrible is orders of magnitude worse than bad," Alex said. He sipped his beer and considered the last wing in the basket. "What else could it be? I mean, you're smart, you're a good guy, you've got a great job, you own your own home, you recycle, you drive an EV, you volunteer at the animal shelter, you remember friends' birthdays; I mean, you're practically… you're the very model of a modern major general."

"What?" Sam asked.

Alex shrugged. "I was going to say, you're practically gay, then I thought that wasn't really cool to say, you know, kind of homophobic-"

"Kind of?"

"But thinking about that made me think of musicals and I know that's a bit of a stereotype, too, but I thought, well, you do know all the information vegetable, animal, and mineral."

"I do like Penzance," Sam said.

"Anyway," Alex continued. "Given your many virtues, what else is left other than being terrible -"

"Okay," Sam said.

"In bed," Alex said.

"I think I'd know if I was terrible in bed," Sam said. 

Alex nodded. "Why don't you have that last wing," he said. "I'll get us another order - and another round of beers."

"You don't think I'd know something like that?" Sam asked.

"Look, I hate to kick a man when he's down," Alex said.

"No you don't," Sam said.

"Anyway," Alex said. "You're my friend and you deserve the truth, even if the truth hurts." He took a deep breath and let it out. "How many girlfriends have you had?"

"I don't know," Sam said.

"Think," Alex said.

"All right," Sam said. "Give or take I'd say I've dated eleven women, going back to junior prom in high school."

"How many did you sleep with?" Alex asked.

Sam hesitated. "Four," he said. 

"Four," Alex repeated.

"Okay," Sam said. "Three."

Alex nodded. "I suppose it's virtuous in a way."

"What is?" Sam asked.

"That you're such a terrible liar," Alex said. "Also, sleeping with four women somehow strokes your ego but sleeping with three doesn't?"

"You're right," Sam said. "Just feeling a bit emotionally fragile and I, well, I'm not sure what I was thinking."

"If you're going to lie about something like that," Alex said. "Go big. Seven. Eight. Ten! Or, in your case, just don't lie. Because -"

"Wait for it," Sam said.

"It's another thing you're terrible at," Alex said. "Like sex."

"I'm not terrible -"

Alex cut him off. "How many of those relationships lasted more than three months?" he asked.

Sam was quiet. He considered the question for a moment. The answer was none. Zero. Zilch. Null set. "That doesn't mean I'm bad in bed," he stammered.

"Terrible," Alex said. 

"Coincidental," Sam said.

"Terrrrrrible," Alex said.

"Circumstantial," Sam said.

"Ter. Ri. Ble," Alex said.

"It's a small data sample," Sam protested.

"That's what she said," Alex said with a smile.

"Hilarious," Sam said. He sighed. "It's the not knowing that's killing me. I need closure. At least Linda had the common decency to dump me face-to-face."

"I thought she dumped you with a text message," Alex said.

"Well, yeah," Sam said. "But she did include a sad face emoji, so, you know, kind of face-to-face."

"What was her text message?" Alex asked with a smile that said he knew the answer to his own question. "It was something like -"

"It's not working for me," Sam said.

"It's not working for me. Which is code for?" Alex asked, with his smile growing broader.

"Don't say it," Sam said.

"Terrible in bed," Alex said.

"You do remember that we're doing this to cheer me up, don't you?" Sam asked.

Alex finished his beer. "The first step in solving a problem is to admit you have a problem. Like this. I'm out of beer. That's a problem. But we can solve that problem with another round." He waved at the waitress standing at the bar, then held up two fingers. She nodded in return and said something to the bartender who nodded in acknowledgement, grabbed a glass and began pouring a beer from the Sam Adams tap.

"Couldn't it be as simple as that I just haven't found the right girl, yet?" Sam asked.

"You mean, a girl who wants terrible sex?" Alex asked.

"Yes, but not just generic, terrible sex," Sam said, "but my own personal brand of terrible sex."

"Good," Alex said. "Good. You've admitted that you have a problem, now we can fix it."

"We were clearly not going to move on until I did," Sam said. "So, what advice have you got for me, Dr. Sexy?"

"First, never tell a girl how much you love Penzance, or any other musical - other than maybe Hamilton - and do not, whatever you do, get into a discussion regarding the relative merits of Speilberg's West Side Story compared to the original," Alex said. "That had to be one of the longest nights of my life."

"But," Sam said, "shouldn't I be looking for someone who shares my interests?"

"You mean like being good in the bedroom?" Alex asked, a little too loudly, as the waitress arrived with their beers. She smiled but did her best to avoid eye contact with either of them.

"I apologize for my friend's lack of social graces," Sam said.

Her eyes met his. "No one has to apologize for being good in bed," she said. "Anything else, gentlemen?" Sensing the obvious implications of what she had just said, she quickly added, "From the menu?"

"Another basket of wings would be great, thanks," Alex said.

"Coming right up," she said and left for the kitchen. Sam watched her as she walked away. She stopped and turned at the kitchen door and their eyes met again. She smiled, then turned and went into the kitchen.

"You'll only disappoint her," Alex said.

Sam finished his beer. "Okay. Besides throwing out half my CDs and never again mentioning my lifelong love of musical theater, anything else I need to do, Dr. Sexy?"

"Well," Alex began.

"Wait!" Sam said. "Why am I taking advice from you? Aren't you currently between girlfriends?"

"My girlfriends don't break up with me because I'm terrible in bed. They break up with me because I'm a slob. And I drink too much. What does 'too much' mean, anyway? And I forget things like birthdays or when I was supposed to be at the airport to pick them up or the one month anniversary of our first date, like that's even a thing. And all her friends hate me and think she can do better. Except for that one friend that I know I should not have hit on but I was drunk and shouldn't that matter? Anyway, the only reason they stay with me as long as they do is the sex," Alex said. "That's why you need my advice."

But Sam wasn't paying attention to Alex. He had spotted Cate, along with her roommate Judy, as they walked into the Tin Palace. His eyes followed them to a table at the far end of the bar. 

"You okay, buddy?" Alex asked, then followed Sam's gaze to where Cate and Judy were sitting. "Oh. Hey. Why don't we just get out of here? I'll get the check. We can get the wings to go." He waved at the waitress and gestured with his hand, miming the signing of the check.

Sam took a deep breath and let it out. "No," he said. He stood up. "I need closure. I need closure and I will have it."

"Don't do it, Sam," Alex said. "I'm begging you. Listen to Dr. Sexy. This can only end badly."

Sam did not answer. Instead, he began the awkward journey around and between tables, making his way to where Cate and Judy were seated.

"Hey, Judy," Sam said.

"Hey, Sam," Judy said.

"Who's this you're with?" he asked, glaring at Cate.

"Why are you being so weird?" Judy asked. "It's your girlfriend, Cate."

"Is it?" Sam asked. "My girlfriend, I mean."

"What are you talking about?" Judy asked.

"Sam -" Cate began, but Sam cut her off.

"Oh, she didn't tell you?" Sam asked. 

"Is this why you said you needed to talk?" Judy asked Cate.

"So, you'll tell your friend but you just ghost me, is that it?" Sam asked. 

Cate's eyes were red but apparently she was all cried out. She managed the glimmer of a smile. 

Sam's feelings for Cate overcame his anger. ""Please," he said. "I just need to know. Why did you break up with me?" Sam asked. "Why leave me hanging?"

Sam followed Cate's gaze and turned to look behind him at the table where Alex was sitting. He smiled awkwardly and gave a half wave.

"I think you already know," Cate said.

"I don't," Sam said. "Unless…" He decided not to start with the bedroom. "Unless it's my lifelong love of musical theater."

She shook her head. "Don't be silly. It isn't that."

"You have a lovely singing voice," Judy said. Cate gave her a look. "What? That's what you told me."

Steeling himself for the answer, Sam asked, "Then, what is it? Why did you dump me?"

"I can't," Cate said. "It's too embarrassing." She glanced again in Alex's direction.

"What difference does it make, at this point?" Sam asked. He paused. "Look. I get it. It's over. I'd just like to know, I mean, I know I'm too much the romantic, but I thought we had something and I obviously misread things and I can't help thinking there was something I said or didn't say or something I did or didn't do -"

"I slept with Alex," Cate said.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Alex?" Judy asked. "You slept with Alex? Ew!"

"Alcohol and the inevitable bad judgment that comes with it, obviously were involved," Cate said.

"What?" Sam asked again.

"I slept with Alex," Cate said.

"What?" Sam asked, his brain caught in an endless loop of hurt and denial.

"I was so ashamed," Cate said, "I just couldn't face you. And the worst part is the sex wasn't even that good. Alex is kind of terrible in bed."

"Again," Judy said. "Ew!"

"So, Alex is terrible in bed," Sam said, glancing over his shoulder, momentarily amused.. "Wait! That was the worst part?"

"I'm sorry," Cate said. "I didn't mean it that way. I mean, I'm so sorry, Sam. I never wanted to hurt you. And that's really the worst part. You have to believe me. I just couldn't… I just couldn't face you."

"Okay," Judy said. "So this is why you had me lie about you being out of town? You slept with Alex and then you ghosted Sam? Who are you?"

"I need you to be my friend right now, Judy. Alright? Can you do that, please?" Cate said.

"You're not exactly making it easy," Judy said.

"Well, look," Sam said. "I can see you two have a lot to talk about so I'll just be going then. It was nice seeing you again, Judy."

"Wait, Sam," Cate said. "I am really sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

The question seemed to hang in the air for an eternity. 

"No," Sam said. 

Sam was surprised that he had to fight back tears as he retraced his circuitous path around and between tables, back to where Alex was seated, waiting for him.

"I'm sorry man," Alex said. "You've got every right to be angry."

"Thanks so much for giving my feelings your permission," Sam said.

"I didn't mean -" Alex began.

"Fuck off, Alex, okay?" Sam said. "Just fuck the fuck off."

They were quiet for a moment. "Well, at least you got closure," Alex said. "Hope it was worth it."

Sam smiled. "Oh, it was," he said. "Cate wanted me to tell you something. Just to tie up all the loose ends in the narrative. The ending to the story omes with a twist, as it turns out, you're the one who's terrible in bed."

"Hey, Sam."

Sam looked up to see Judy standing there. She looked at Alex and with what Sam took to be an impish smile said, "Weren't you just leaving?"

"I can't leave," Alex said. "Sam's my ride."

"There's an Uber waiting for you out front," Judy said, gesturing with her phone. 

After an uncomfortable moment, Alex stood. "I am sorry, Sam." 

Sam watched him leave, wondering if this would all seem funny some day.

"May I join you?" Judy asked.

"Why? Am I coming apart?" Sam asked, forcing a smile.

Judy nodded. "Groucho Marx," she said, as she pulled out a chair and sat down. "Solid reference." She paused. "How're you doing?"

Sam laughed. "Good question. I really don't know."

Judy nodded. "You should know that all I've heard from Cate for the last three months is what a great guy you are. Sam this. Sam that. He's kind. He's thoughtful. He listens. He cares. He's the best I've ever had," she said.

"I appreciate you being a good friend and all," Sam said, "but it's over between me and Cate. I don't think there's anything you could say that - Wait. What did you mean by 'the best she's ever had'?"

"Do you have any plans for this Saturday?" Judy asked. "Of course you don't! Your girlfriend just dumped you. Your Saturday is wide open and Hartwick College's summer theater program is doing a musical in Neahwa Park."

"I know," Sam said. "They're doing Brigadoon."

Judy smiled. "It's almost like being in love."

Sam smiled, "Solid reference," he said.

"I've got tickets," Judy said. "Want to come with?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Sam asked

"I hear you're a great guy," she said. Looking back to where Cate sat waiting for her, she saw Alex had taken her seat. "I guess Alex found another ride."

Sam looked over at Alex and Cate. He had his arm around her shoulder. Her head was down and Sam thought she was crying. 

"Do you think they'll invite us to the wedding?" Judy asked.

"God, I hope not. I mean, I wouldn't want to go but I'd have to. And I'd have to buy a gift and I couldn't go cheap on that or I'd look like a jerk." He paused. "So, we should definitely invite them to our wedding."

Sam caught the look on Judy's face.

"Too soon?" he asked.

"You were kidding, right?" Judy said.

"You were the one who mentioned weddings," Sam said. "And falling in love."

"Almost," Judy said, the impish smile returning to her face. "I said almost like falling in love."

"We both know the title to that song is ironic," Sam said.

Judy nodded. "You got me there, I guess."

"Maybe irony is close enough for now," Sam said. He looked again at Cate and Alex. Does anything ever work out for the best? He wondered. Sometimes? One time?

"Maybe it is," Judy said. She stood up. "I need to go but I'll see you Saturday, then?"

"Yes," Alex said, standing up. "Do you need a ride?"

"I think I have an Uber waiting for me," Judy said. She stood. "Saturday. Pick me up at 6:00?"

Sam looked over at Cate, who was laughing now at something Alex had said.

"It won't be too awkward, will it?" Judy asked.

Sam smiled at Judy. "I'm sure it will be," he said. "I don't care, do you?"

"No," Judy said. "I don't care. I'll see you Saturday at 6:00."

"I won't be late," Sam said.

Judy flashed her impish smile once more. "I know."