Oedipal Complex Pigskins

Serious question; asking for a friend who's a Patriots fan…

What didn't go wrong last night?

The Patriots 33-14 loss to the Bears on Monday Night Football was so tragic (whom the gods would destroy, they first make 7.5 point favorites), it had me wanting to kill my father and poke my eyes out. (Yes, I'm skipping the sex with my mother part. I'm feeling betrayed, bewildered, depressed, and angry,  but that's just gross.) I am all in my feelings and it doesn't feel good. I'm hating the players and the game. Football is crazy and reality is hard. So, yeah. 

It was bad. 

Let me count the ways.

The Patriots are in last place in the AFC East

Dead last. All by themselves last. No more of that, "We're really tied for third" bullshit now. The Patriots are looking up the asshole of the Miami Dolphins. 

The Jets are a better football team than the Patriots

I feel like I'd withstand days of waterboarding before saying anything positive about the Jets (I wouldn't but let's roll with the metaphor), but the Patriots were able to make that happen in less than three hours last night. 

Don't believe me? Check the standings (also, see above). The Jets actually beat the Packers in Green Bay, an upset the Patriots were unable to accomplish. The NYJ are 5-2-0. I've got a feeling next Sunday could make me forget just how ugly Monday night was.

The Patriots are not fun to watch

Is there a player on the Patriots that makes you think, "I've got to see what he does today?" Matthew Judon, maybe? You've got a prop bet on how many times Rhamondre Stevenson will be hit behind the line of scrimmage?

Is there anything about their offensive or defensive schemes that makes you think, "That's some mad pigskin science going on there?" Okay, maybe there is some mad pigskin science involved because it looked like the lab blew up last night. 

No monkeys survived.

New England has a full blown QB controversy now

And the worst possible kind. The kind that has me asking, "Who will be throwing ugly interceptions next week?"

The season is over

We're on to 2023!

I know, I know. Still a lot of football left to play (and that's supposed to be the good news?). Due to contractual obligations, the 2022 season will go on. They say that when something is going to end badly, it's best to end quickly. Unfortunately, not the case for New England. More games will be played. 

But there won't be any puppies for Christmas this year and the Patriots will not be going to the playoffs. 

Yeah.

The good news?

Check back with me in a couple of days.