The First Course

The Dallas v. New York game was an amuse-bouche of pigskin. It’s always uncomfortable rooting for America’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and honestly I was shocked to see that clutch first down to seal the game let alone Romo pitching for +300 and 3 scores. In short, I am not a Cowboys’ fan. I have routinely predicted a Patriots victory over the Cowboys in the Super Bowl because such an outcome would stimulate my frontal cortex in a highly pleasing way. But there’s something about the Giants that bugs me. I can’t quite put my finger on it.  

  

So, practically every member of the commentariat is openly hating on the Commish in the wake of the robes tossing the suspensions for Bountygate. Apparently, the living in their mom’s basement, playing “Star Wars Galaxies,” shouting at their terminal screen through their Bluetooth head set, eating cold pizza, reading “Fifty Shades of Gray” hoping a slender redhead gets down on her knees and worships their manhood before they die crowd really, really, really doesn’t like Roger Goodell. The whole thing had always felt a bit disingenuous from the beginning. I think we all accept that a high level of emotional commitment is required to play professional football. Why else does Ray Lewis dance like that? Why else does Drew Brees lead that rapid fire Esperanto pregame speech? (That is Esperanto he’s chanting, isn’t it?) Even if I had the physical gifts necessary, I would still need some highly motivational music pouring into my ears before kick-off. “Eye of the Tiger.” Or maybe “Crazy Train.” I know. It’s cliché but it works. “Baba O’Reilly.” Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals. Oh yeah. Anyway, after you’ve experienced concussive head trauma, a ligament torn, an ankle sprained, a bone broken, you’re going to need to convince your body to go back out there again. Coaches know this. They will cravenly appeal to their players’ baser instincts; the instinctive, primeval, elemental need to make the other monkeys shut the fuck up. And men (especially men with small penises) will bet on just about anything. It’s a perfect storm when you think about it. The tape on Gregg Williams notwithstanding, the suspensions accepted without protest or appeal by Williams and Head Coach Sean Payton notwithstanding, we’re basically accusing professional football players of hitting each other hard for money. Which is the basic premise, isn’t it?

I have to go all now don’t get me wrong here. I’m for making the game safer, protecting the head, managing and treating concussions during and after players’ careers. I hope the NFL can make the necessary changes to equipment, rules and officiating to make the game safer. I think the team – coaches, owners – should be fined along with the players for helmet-to-helmet, taking out a knee and any spearing/leading with the head infractions. After all, the coaches are teaching these techniques and they should be held accountable.

Meanwhile, we are paying these guys to fight until one of them is knocked out or submits, am I right?

Are you ready for some football?

Steelers vs. Broncos

It’s a good story; even I will give you that. Peyton Manning, making a serious run at greatest of all time status is derailed by a neck injury that takes a dozen surgical procedures to resolve and costs him all of the 2011 season. He is shown the door by the only NFL franchise he has ever known and replaced by the next big thing, Andrew Luck. Rumors surface that his right arm muscles more closely resemble al dente fettuccini than sinew. He signs with Denver and after a slow start, he leads the Broncos to the playoffs, a come from behind AFC Championship win over his long-time nemesis Tom Brady and the Patriots, and then once again hoists the Lombardi Trophy as Super Bowl MVP. Freeze frame. Role credits. Who plays Manning in the inevitable biopic? Why do I think Robert Pattinson throws like a girl? Joseph Gordon-Leavitt? Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.

That is not happening, of course. (Sorry G-L.)

Who ya got? Peyton’s neck or Big Ben’s rotator cuff? I expect the Pittsburgh-Denver game to be a defensive struggle with Ben Roethlisberger shaking the Broncos front seven for one or two big plays and a 10-3 win. Manning will not be nearly so lucky as the Steelers vaunted defense greets him with open arms. Which they wrap around his midsection to throw him to the ground. Repeatedly.

Bills vs. Jets

Larry Bird once famously asked before an All-Star weekend 3-Point Shooting contest, “Who’s playing for second?” Consensus amongst the Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads is that the Patriots will win the AFC East (again) and that one of these teams will finish second. Both teams seem to be counting on things that haven’t happened before – or recently. The Bills need DE Mario Williams to stay healthy (he has started 16 before, just not lately). In the case of both Williams and RB Fred Jackson, Buffalonians are hoping Bill Parcells was wrong when he opined that once they get hurt, they keep getting hurt. They – like Jets’ fans – are hoping this is the season their starting QB gets it, stops overestimating his arm and stops throwing inexplicable, game-altering interceptions. Yeah. Good luck with that. The Jets are also hoping that their two QB system will be successful. If we were talking Waterfield and Van Brocklin, then, well okay. But even that ended badly. Brave words aside, it seems painfully clear the Jets coaches and management finally realized they might have been drunk when they thought Mark Sanchez could be a franchise QB. Why else do you bring in Tim Tebow?

So, another defensive struggle? Yeah, but who cares? As a Patriots’ fan I simply cannot lose here. The Bills, unfortunately, can. As dysfunctional as the Jets’ offense has looked, I still see them winning this game 13-6 with Tebow and Darrelle Revis in the starring roles.

Andrew Luck vs. Robert Griffin III

Luck and RG III start their much anticipate NFL careers in road games against teams with Super Bowl aspirations, begging the question, does a snowball really stand a chance in Hell?

Realistically, Indianapolis is playing for 2014. 2012 is all about keeping Luck upright and giving him 800+ reps as a pro. Every game that ends without the medical staff checking out one of his knees will be a victory, even if it doesn’t count in the W column. Expect a couple of Cutler to Marshall highlights from this game as the Bears win 24-10.

Washington has a solid defense but can they hang with Drew Brees and the Saints? (Has anyone finished the Monte Carlo simulations on that snowball?) When a Saints defender takes a shot at RG III near the sideline remember, they weren’t trying to hurt him. New Orleans wins 31-17.

Bengals vs. Ravens

Do the Bengals deserve a seat at the big kid’s table? Is Joe Flacco elite? No and no. Ravens 17-10.

Patriots vs. Titans

Is the new, improved Patriots defense ready for their close up? Probably not. I would expect things to start coming together around Week 6. Still, I’m optimistic. Playmakers make plays. Someone will be hitting CJ2K on every play, regardless of whether he has the ball or not. (The Marshall Faulk Plan from Super Bowl XXXVI.) Perhaps more importantly, does New England’s offensive line keep Tom Brady uniform clean? Again, probably not. I’m looking for the Patriots to try to own time of possession. Short passes, screen passes, and plenty of Stevan Ridley off tackle. Get an early lead, take the home crowd out of it and put the ball in Jake Locker’s hands.

Easy to say.

Why do I always feel like this before a game? Perhaps I’m far more pessimistic, paranoid and cynical than I give myself credit for. With Tom Brady at QB the Patriots are 124-35 in the regular season. That’s a 78% chance of winning. I should be looking forward to 1:00pm, not a care in the world, talking trash with a wink and a grin.

Maybe I just don’t want to be like a Steelers’ fan.

Maybe I just need some inspirational music.