The Sensitive Compartmentalized Information Facility: Buzzkills

My fellow citizens of Patriots Nation are serious buzzkills. So negative. So pompously whiny. Are we become everything the pigskin blogosphere say they loathe and despise us for? Smug entitled self-absorbed assholes? Wait, don’t answer that.

Three desperate hours…

Browns at Steelers – How would you like to be Colt McCoy? Everyone rags on this guy. He’s like Tim Tebow only with no charisma and he loses all the time. The consensus seems to be that McCoy would make a great backup quarterback. Okay, not great; really solid. Solid. Backup. He’s toast if Matt Barkley falls to the Browns in the draft. Sunday, with nobody really that worried about his health or well-being, he’ll face off with the Steelers D, a group of very unsympathetic men. Very unsympathetic.

Colts at Ravens – The Ravens do not lose at home. The Colts do not win anywhere. Ipso Pigskin.

Eagles at Dolphins – More pain for Philly fans.

Texans at Bengals – The Texans are like… The Thing That Couldn’t Die!

Saints at Titans – A big game from Chris Johnson gives the Titans a chance. They win 37% of the simulations I’ve run in my head when Johnson rushes for 145 yards or more. More importantly, the Titans need the Saints to play like they did at St. Louis. Then the Titans win 97% of the simulations I’ve run in my head.

Vikings at Lions – Not without Adrian Peterson.

Buccaneers at Jaguars – This is blacked out on local TV, am I right? For the children.

Patriots at Washington – I think the Patriots are extremely displeased with the way last Sunday’s game with the Colts ended. I think they want to take it out on somebody. It also looks like Washington is in fugue state as a reaction to the fact that they once again will not finish over .500. And seriously, I don’t know if I want to live in a world where Rex Grossman can beat Tom Brady.

Falcons at Panthers – There isn’t an outcome that would surprise me. If I were a gambler, I would not bet on this game. Then again, I would only bet on a game if I had a time machine and I used the machine to move back and forth in time, betting on games, trading stocks and buying winning lottery tickets.

49ers at Cardinals – The episode where the Cardinals find out they aren’t that good after all.

Giants at Cowboys – I get the feeling the Cowboys are confused about what happened last Sunday, like a professional hit man coming out of a coma. Was that really me? Whoa, I’m a badass! Ooh! That was not nice. Hey, I know Kung Fu! Except you don’t know Kung Fu. You’ve got amnesia. Yeah, I can see the Giants winning this game.

Chiefs at Jets – Even if the Jets come out flat, uninterested, just a little bit drunk, I can’t see them losing to the Chiefs.

Bears at Broncos – Tebow!

Bills at Chargers – The Chargers big win over the Jaguars seemed to signal they were about to begin one of their patented late season winning streaks. Still not too late for 8-8-0! Here’s a freaky thought. The Chargers could finish 9-7-0 and both the Broncos and Raiders could finish 7-9-0. (It’s math!). The Chiefs could finish 5-11-0 (while we’re counting). The Bills are sinking fast, just seconds away from crush depth. Release the beacon!

Raiders at Packers – The Raiders seem badly cast as giant killers in general. The Packers seem like cybernetic organisms. If Darren McFadden were healthy this might have been an interesting game.

This one’s for you, Aaron Rodgers… Discount Double-Check!