To Have and Have Not

As Bill Parcells famously said, you are what your record says you are in the NFL.  To every point there is a counterpoint (to paraphrase Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Motion) so we must also consider Jerry Glanville’s equally famous observation that NFL stands for Not For Long.  Have I tortured this lede sufficiently?  Let’s see, I’ve randomly referenced Newtonian physics in a pro football blog.  I’d say, yes, yes I have…

The Have Nots

Sure, it’s early in the season but there are already a few games on the schedule that look to shape the narrative of the 2011 season.  Vikings vs. Chiefs is not one of them.  Anyway, one of those two teams will have something to build on after this Sunday’s match up of 0-3-0 teams.  Okay, not much to build on.  The Vikings are clearly the worst team in the NFC North.  Oh, you want to argue that they’re better than the Bears?  Okay, whatever.  I’m not going to fight to the death about it.  Both of those teams are finishing out of the playoffs.  As for the Chiefs, win this game and they can start trash talking the Broncos.

It’s Math

St. Louis looks like they will continue the downward spiral to 0-4-0.  I’m not sure it matters who they’re playing (it’s Washington if you care and I’m pretty sure you don’t) because the average score from their first three games has been Rams 12, Other Guys 32.

The Long Goodbye

The Dolphins will be going out of their way – all the way to San Diego – to avoid dropping to 0-4-0.  The consensus amongst the commentariat is that should Miami enter the bye week without a 1 in the Win Column that Tony Sparano will be the first head coach fired in 2011.  The Chargers are notoriously schizoaffective, of course, which should give Sparano some hope for continued employment.  The Dolphins could lose by winning.  It looks to me like it’s going to take a 0-16-0 run to secure the draft rights to Andrew Luck.

Pony Depress

I’m listening to the Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads and they’re saying the Colts don’t want to put Peyton Manning on IR because it would send a message to the team and the fans that their season is over.  Hello?  Indianapolis is 0-3-0 in a division with the Texans and Titans both looking like legitimate playoff contenders.  Two losses at home, sitting in 4^th place with a -25 point differential and QB Curtis Painter getting his first NFL start on the road Monday night against a Tampa Bay team ready for their close up.  This movie has a happy ending?  I don’t think so.  I’m not saying the players are giving up but most of these guys attended a few college courses where they read books without pictures; I think they understand the reality of their situation. 

Super Bowls Aren’t Won in September

Of course not.  Super Bowls aren’t even played in September.  You still need to win some games in September if you’re going to get to the Super Bowl and two of the early favorites sit atop the same division, the NFC North.  The Packers look like they could be the first back-to-back champs since the ’03-’04 Patriots.  The biggest obstacle to this rare accomplishment isn’t the Philadelphia Dreamers but the upstart Lions. 

Ndamukong Suh, Super Bowl MVP?  That could happen.

Green Bay should easily move to 4-0-0 with the Denver “We Won’t Play Tim Tebow No Matter What Unless All Our Receivers Get Hurt” Broncos visiting Lambeau. 

The Lions should do just fine in Dallas.  The Cowboys are fresh out of grit.  Tony Romo’s rib is like so five minutes ago.  Unless DeMarcus Ware breaks Matthew Stafford, of course.

We’re Caught in a Trap…

They’re coming off a huge, monkey-off-the-back win over their division rival boogeymen, the Patriots, and they’re on the road facing the Bengals, a team they should handle quite easily.  It’s the classic trap game scenario for the Bills, but I just don’t see them having a letdown.  Even if they do, they can always score 21 points in the 4^th quarter to pull out the 21-17 win.

The Black Gate, er, Hole

So, we lucky few of Patriots Nation are going to learn a lot about our team this Sunday.  The Patriots take the worst defense in the NFL to Oakland and an offense that can – but must – score 35 points minimum to secure a win.

They’ve been labeled a “finesse” team; the lunch pail team of blue collar working class heroes that won Super Bowls with a smash-mouth defense and ball control offense has become everything they once despised.  They are the Rams “Greatest Show on Turf” team they once beat in the Super Bowl; they are the soft Colts team they dismissed time after time in the playoffs.  They can throw the football all over the field but that’s about it.  They are a one-trick pony.

The Raiders look more like the Patriots of ’01-’04 than New England does.  They just handled the Jets, beating up Mark Sanchez and breaking his nose.  They are the Black Hole Bullies.  They grind on offense with Darren McFadden like the Patriots used to run with Corey Dillon.  They never take a play off.  They are just one or two plays from being 3-0-0.

So, this glass of Belichick Kool-Aid is half empty, right? 

Maybe. 

The Silver and Black are giving up 27 points a game and Tom Brady rarely has bad games back-to-back. He has a 4-1 record in games played after throwing four picks.  The Patriots haven’t lost two games a row since 2009.  Okay, that doesn’t seem that long ago to me and it ultimately will have no impact on the game day action but I’m throwing it out there, anyway.  More importantly, thanks to Rolando McClain’s finesse slur, this is personal. 

Did I mention Tom Brady cut his hair?

It’s so on.

I can hardly wait.

Roll Credits!

“To Have and Have Not” may be my favorite Hemingway novel even if Hemingway thought it was his worst.  What does he know?  Crazy mofo shot himself.   It’s also one of my favorite Howard Hawks movies.  Bogey and Bacall.  A script by William Faulkner.  Hoagy Carmichael and Lauren Bacall singing “Am I Blue?”  Walter Brennan doing his very best Walter Brennan as the alcoholic sidekick.  Nazis.  If you’ve never seen it, you really should.