Before I forget, let me wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. All holidays are stressful, of course, but Thanksgiving has turkey, which is a de-stressing protein (it’s science!), which makes it awesome. Also gravy, which triggers those areas of your brain that tell you what you’re doing is so, so right. I don’t put anything on my plate that shouldn’t be covered with turkey gravy. Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, biscuits and in a pinch, peas. Hold the cranberry sauce. I just can’t find out cranberry sauce is good with gravy on it, too.
I bet that’s what they eat in Heaven on Thanksgiving Day. Solid gold bowls filled to the brim with cranberry sauce and turkey gravy.
Everyone is talking playoffs. I know. Can I please finish my pumpkin pie, first?
NFC East – So, who you got? Eli or Romo? I mean, you’re flipping a coin on that one, aren’t you? Best of seven? It sometimes seems like all of the teams in this division have a fear of success. I feel almost dirty saying this but I have to go with the Cowboys. And the Giants to miss the playoffs on a tie-breaker. The Eagles are done but they don’t know it. The Redskins are done and they do know it.
NFC North – What did Jay Cutler do in a former life to deserve this? You know how people are always Charlemagne or Cleopatra when they remember past lives? I remember one tragic hipster friend of mine (who will remain nameless because, you know, tragic hipster) observing wryly that nobody was ever a clerk in a post office in a past life. Well, except whoever living today was Einstein in a past life. This is mildly amusing in a post-ironic kind of way but more importantly, what if you remembered you were Hitler in a past life? Hitler was probably a terminal persona but you get my meaning. What if you were somebody really horrible on a less than genocidal scale? Anyway, the Bears will likely wind up on the outside looking in at the Lions and the Packers when it’s all said and done. The Vikings were on life support before losing Adrian Peterson to the dreaded high ankle sprain so I think we're ready to pronounce. Time of death...
NFC South – The Saints look like a lock. The Falcons look shaky to me but I still think they make it in for a first round loss. The Buccaneers look like they can’t quite figure it out. The Panthers are a better fantasy football team than a reality football team.
NFC West – 49ers. That has got to burn Pete Carroll.
AFC East – As much as I hate the Jets, I really didn’t see this coming. As average as I thought Mark Sanchez was, I didn’t think he was capable of being this average. I expected the Bills to cool off but I didn’t expect them to go ice cold. One always expects the quixotic of the Dolphins and they never disappoint. The Patriots are back to their evil running up the score ways (yes!) and look like the only team going to the playoffs from the AFC East.
AFC North – Steelers and Ravens will be in the playoffs in some order. The Bengals look like a 10-6-0 team. Will that be enough? Do we think the Jets are running the table? No? Then yes. It’s got to be tough being the Browns. Everyone else is leaving for the playoffs and they’re left all alone at home, watching “The Replacements,” eating ice cream from the carton, listening to Adelle.
AFC South – Not the Colts this time. The Titans don’t look like they can catch the Texans even with Matt Leinart taking over at QB. The Jaguars can only play the spoiler. Is that any way to live? So negative.
AFC West – Okay, sure, I know it’s a long shot the Broncos go 5-1 down the stretch, let alone run the table. Then again, this is Tebow we’re talking about. He. Just. Wins. Football. Games. I say the Raiders go 3-3 to finish up 9-7-0 and out of the playoffs while Tim Tebow and the Broncos host a Wild Card round game. The Chargers? Dead. The Chiefs? Dead.
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