Almost there. Is it harder playing them one at a time when there’s only two games left? I bet it is. The math is simpler, for one thing. Maybe that’s just me.
Narrative threads, woven haphazardly into a coat that really doesn’t fit across the shoulders…
Texans vs. Colts – As Bleeding Gums Murphy said, “The blues isn’t about making yourself feel better. It’s about making other people feel worse.” That’s what the Colts will do to the Texans. Knocking a team from first round bye to wild card game isn’t exactly like knocking a team out of the playoffs entirely, of course. I guess it’s just been that kind of year for Indianapolis and that kind of forever for Houston.
Broncos vs. Bills – Hard to picture the Bills’ chute opening before impact. Not when you consider that Buffalo has the 29th rated rushing defense and Denver has the 1st rated rushing offense. A perfect storm with lake effect snow for the Bills; a gift for the Broncos on Christmas Eve. If that wasn’t bad enough, don’t forget that professional athletes, as a sweeping generalization, are superstitious by nature. They’ve seen too many things that beg explanation – a tipped pass a linebacker catches between his knees, an ill-timed fumble by the running back who hasn’t fumbled in 419 consecutive carries, a punt that bounces sideways and out of bounds at the 1-yard line – to discount the possibility of some kind of supernatural explanation. Whether or not you actually believe that Jesus is the Broncos #1 Fan and He may have had something to do with Denver’s wins with Tebow at QB and that He was just busy with other things when the Broncos lost to the Lions and the Patriots, after all those 4th quarter comebacks, the collective lizard brain of the Bills defense will reach the inevitable conclusion of the inevitability that something inexplicably messed up and not in their favor is about to happen. And then it will.
Cardinals vs. Bengals – Mathematically, both of these teams still have a reason to care about the outcome. Unlike me. I’ll go heads Bengals and tails Cardinals and… Best two out of three?
Jaguars vs. Titans – I’m not getting the whole Matt Hasselbeck-Jake Locker thing. To the casual observer (me), Tennessee looks like a different/better team with Locker under center and yet Head Coach Mike Munchak continues to back Hasselbeck as the starter. Did Locker sleep with his Head Coach’s daughter? Either way, this looks like a W for the Titans. By “either way” I mean regardless of who starts at quarterback, of course.
Raiders vs. Chiefs – This AFL Classic matchup will knock one of these off the “needs help” list and onto the “save yourself, go on without me” list. Carson Palmer seems like a smart enough guy. At what point does he consider the fact that he really isn’t that good? Perhaps more important than Palmer’s averageness is my working assumption that Romeo Crennel will once again put Tamba Hali in position to co-locate with the quarterback multiple times during this game.
Dolphins vs. Patriots – Classic trap game coming off a big road win but with Belichick and Brady I don’t see a letdown. As divisional games go, I’d say Dolphins-Patriots falls short of Jets-Patriots but there’s no love lost between these two teams. I expect a Patriots win but I don’t expect it to be pretty. Miami has actually looked pretty good recently and just won in the cold on the road in Buffalo. All things considered, I’d be more than happy with another 41-23 win.
Giants vs. Jets – I think there will be a fair bit of friendly wagering between co-workers in the Big Apple this week. A bottle of single malt scotch, a dinner at a favorite restaurant, perhaps a “gift certificate” with a face value of $500 will be anted up. I actually think that sort of thing helps. When you let go of that bottle of scotch you’re letting go of the bad memories of the loss. It’s done and over (much like your team’s season). It’s much better than writing the score on a piece of paper and tossing it into the flames of your burning house. Note: If you go that way you need to get that document of defeat into the conflagration before the fire department shows up or you won’t get anywhere close enough to get a scrap of paper into the fire. Alternatively, you can roll it up into a baseball-sized wad of paper and throw it from behind the safety line.
Let's bring it on down just a bit...
Rams vs. Steelers – The Rams are contractually obligated to complete the season.
Vikings vs. Washington – As above, so below.
Buccaneers vs. Panthers – At the beginning of the season, I’m wonder if Tampa Bay Head Coach Raheem Morris thought he’d be resting his starters for the playoffs in this game. Anyway, you generally can predict who wins a game in the NFL based on who needs it more but this is a sort of apples and oranges game. Tampa Bay is playing for pride and Carolina is playing for the movie rights.
Browns vs. Ravens – Woe unto the Browns. If you know who will be sent into the game after Terrell Suggs breaks Seneca Wallace then you’re probably wearing one of those dog pound masks and a hard hat and this game is going to break your heart.
Way to go Ohio...
Chargers vs. Lions – If I was a Chargers fan and I was subjected to the annual December comeback I think I would eventually snap. San Diego looked like a Super Bowl favorite against Baltimore last week. Where were those guys in November? Whatever. They’re rolling now. Like everyone else in the AFC West, they’ve still got a shot. I think we’ll learn a lot more about the Lions than we will about the Chargers in this one partly because nothing the Chargers might do (win big, lose on a strip sack/fumble recovery for a defensive TD) will surprise us. I want to know if the Lions spent the week thinking about how awesome they are or do they understand they should’ve beaten the Raiders going away and need to play more consistently up to their talent level?
Eagles vs. Cowboys – Remembering that one possible future actually has the Eagles in the playoffs and knowing how historically erratic the Cowboys have been this year leads one to the likely possible future where Tony Romo pulls off his chinstrap in disgust as Asante Samuel dances in the end zone.
49ers vs. Seahawks – If the Niners aren’t geared up for this one they could wind up ceding the playoff bye to the Saints. Okay, I barely believe that. As a guy who once rooted for a team coached by Pete Carroll I just cannot get behind the Seahawks. I actually hope it’s true that Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll hate each other and that Harbaugh lives to kick Pete Carroll’s ass.
Bears vs. Packers – So, the Bears’ strength (their front seven) matches up with the Packers’ weakness (their injury decimated offensive line), combined with the obvious emotional letdown of losing the perfect season could result in… Wait! I almost forgot that Caleb Hanie Josh McCown was still the QB for the Bears! Expect the Packers to reassure their shareholders with a big win over their storied rivals.
Falcons vs. Saints – Falcons hot, Saints hotter.
All the best of the season to you and yours…
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