Crazy Town

It’s that time again.  That time when 6-7-0 teams are talking playoff scenarios.  You know, the one where they win their remaining three games and everyone else loses all of their games.  It could happen.  But it probably won’t. 

It’s math.  Well, it’s Monte Carlo simulations.  That’s still math.  Fancy math. 

So, we think we know what’s happening.  At times like these, I always assume the crazy will manifest itself but it’s hard to imagine it actually happening this time.  Other than a change in seeding, this is what we got…

AFC Playoffs

1.   Houston Texans

2.   Baltimore Ravens

3.   New England Patriots

4.   Denver Broncos

5.   Pittsburgh Steelers

6.   New York Jets

That’s right; we’re on a collision course for Patriots-Jets III.  (Like Rambo III, this one doesn’t need a subtitle.)  This is potentially a Patriots fan’s dooms day scenario.  One and done in the playoffs (again), losing to their Baby With One Eyebrow (again).  Ugh!  I just threw up in my mouth.  Of course, it could go the other way, too.  That would be sweet.   That would taste like the Irish Benedict at The Wooden Spoon; poached eggs on corned beef hash on toasted English muffin halves, covered in Hollandaise sauce.  Delicious.  Filling, too.  I’ll eat the Irish Benedict every morning in Heaven and I’ll never get tired of it.

Of course, the top 3 spots are up for grabs.  Maybe the Patriots can grab the #2 seed.  Maybe the Texans have a letdown, having clinched their first playoff spot in franchise history.  Maybe the Ravens struggle to close out the Steelers because they’re the Ravens and something always seems to happen, doesn’t it?  Is it out of the question that the Ravens would finish 1-2 while the Steelers sweep?  This is what always happens, isn’t it?

As the philosopher said, everything is true until it isn’t. 

I can’t see the Steelers, with a hobbled Ben Roethlisberger and James Harrison in time out, flying cross-country to play an angry 49ers team and coming away with the W, but they’ll win by submission against St. Louis and Cleveland.  That puts the Steelers at 12-4-0.  The Ravens have been unimpressive on the road (3-3-0) and face the Chargers and Bengals away.  They should handle the Browns at home (man, it sucks to be the Browns).  That leaves the Ravens at 11-5-0. 

Of course, that scenario sends the Ravens to New England for a Wild Card game.

I just woke screaming in a cold sweat from a very bad dream.  I have no idea what it was that junk-punched my psyche.  I haven’t remembered a dream since the flying saucer dream when I was four…

Anyway.

Maybe this is what the Patriots need.  Defeat the Ravens and the Jets (in whatever order) and return to the Super Bowl, where they upset the undefeated Green Bay Packers.  It’s Pigskin Symmetry!

NFC Playoffs

1.   Green Bay Packers

2.   San Francisco 49ers

3.   New Orleans Saints

4.   New York Giants

5.   Atlanta Falcons

6.   Detroit Lions

Like the AFC, this looks like solid casting, though I could picture Detroit finishing 1-2-0, meaning that the Seattle Seahawks, if they can finish 3-0-0 (probably not), would be hoping they’ve got a tie-break with whomever else is 9-7-0.

Again, this will not happen.  A 9-7-0 team is not going to the playoffs this year.

Consensus seems to be that seeds 4 through 8 are playoff Ensigns in a Red Tunic. 

So really, the only question is whether The City by the Bay or The Big Breesy has a chance against the Discount Double-Checks.

The answer?  No.

Best Super Bowl Matchups

1.   Anyone vs. Denver Broncos – I’m setting the over/under on the number of times Tim Tebow thanks his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in the run up to the game at 1,440.  And I'm betting the over.

2.   Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots – Only if the Packers are 18-0-0.

3.   San Francisco 49ers vs. Baltimore Ravens – Ratings suffer as only members of the Harbaugh family care who wins this one.

4.   Green Bay Packers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers – Who doesn’t love a rematch?  I mean, besides the 30 other teams in the NFL and their fans.

5.   New Orleans Saints vs. New England Patriots – Pass wacky.

6.   Atlanta Falcons vs. Never Mind – The Falcons will be one and done.

7.   New York Giants vs. New York Jets – Actually, this would totally suck.

8.   Detroit Lions vs. Pittsburgh Steelers – Because they’ll carry bodies off the field like it was the chariot race in Ben Hur.