Not a Hater

As hard as I try, I just can’t be a hater.  I think I realized this when I could only name three movies to my Top 10 Hated Movies list.  I’m sure some have seen more but I have seen quite a few movies.  Doing some math in my head for a few seconds I came up with an estimate of 3,000.  Not all in the theater, of course.  I’m going to say 2,000 on tape or disk.  That’s like a tenth of a percent.  I feel like I should hate at least 1% of the time.  Only a robot could hate less than that.

I wouldn’t argue the movies on my list are bad or good.  “Good” and “bad” are such subjective terms.  No, it’s as simple as this: These movies made me mad.  It experienced a literally visceral reaction to seeing them.  I wanted to go all Godzilla and projectile vomit radioactive fire onto the screens these movies were shown on.

If you love any of the movies on this list, I’m sorry. 

It’s not you.  It’s me.

We can still be friends, can’t we?

Top 10 Hated Movies

1.   Breaking the Waves – The mere mention of Lars van Trier’s name makes my eye twitch.

2.   Vanilla Sky – This movie so filled me with rage that I became pre-verbal. I could not speak or record my reasons why I hated this movie.  Afterward, I couldn’t remember why; just flashes of Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz with flashing orange lights and Todd Rundgren singing in the background.  Sadly, no flashes of Penelope Cruz.  I guess it’s some kind of traumatic amnesia.  I won’t be picking this up on Blu-ray.

3.   Don’t Look Now – The first movie that made me want to hulk out.  In this clip, the Mighty Thor represents director Nicolas Roeg. 

That’s it.

That’s the list.

Ambient Trance Musings

Like all NFL-related blogs, we are contractually obligated to provide a prediction on the 2011 season.

AFC East

1.   New England Patriots – Natch.  I won’t even pretend to justify this nor will I stoop to attempt the reverse jinx by predicting a fourth place finish.  Okay, I will justify it.  Belichick.  Brady.  Done.

2.   New York Jets – They’ll only go as far as they can carry Mark Sanchez.  He’s heavier than he looks.

3.   Buffalo Bills – Are we afraid the Bills will move to Toronto or are we afraid Toronto won’t take them?

4.   Miami Dolphins – Hope never triumphs over Reason on the football field. 

AFC North

1.   Baltimore Ravens – Or Pittsburgh Steelers. 

2.   Pittsburgh Steelers – Or Baltimore Ravens. 

3.   Cleveland Browns – Still a year or two away.

4.   Cincinnati Bengals – Still a decade or two away.

AFC South

1.   Houston Texans – Yee!  Haw!

2.   Indianapolis Colts – Yeah, that’s me sticking a needle in my Peyton Manning doll’s neck. 

3.   Tennessee Titans – I give Chris Johnson the edge over Maurice Jones-Drew.

4.   Jacksonville Jaguars – It’s a lot to ask of Blaine Gabbert to save this franchise.  It would be a lot to ask of Jesus.  You know, if you could build a time machine and go back for Jesus and he was 6’ 7” and 240 pounds with a timed 4.6 in the 40 and a cannon for a right arm.

AFC West

1.   San Diego Chargers – Yes.  This is the year.  Best record, home field, run the table, Super Bowl.  Tell every Chargers’ fan you know that this is their year. It will be really funny later.

2.   Kansas City Chiefs – It isn’t so much that they’re taking a step backward as it is everyone else taking a step forward. Except the Bengals, of course.  They are pirouetting in place.

3.   Denver Broncos – An enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tied up in a Tebow.

4.   Oakland Raiders – You would really expect Emperor Palpatine to field a better football team than this, wouldn’t you?

NFC East

1.   Philadelphia Eagles – As the next Dream Team it’s their duty and responsibility to get to the Super Bowl and lose.

2.   Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo wins Comeback Player of the Year.

3.   Washington Redskins – Mike Shanahan is like some kind of pigskin Dr. Frankenstein trying to assemble a quarterback out of parts of John Beck and Rex Grossman.  Of course, he once thought he could reanimate Donovan McNabb, too,

4.   New York Giants – Am I the only one who thinks Eli Manning is capable of throwing another 25 interceptions this season?  I expect the Giants to lose a lot of hard fought, field goal’s width decisions in 2011.  17-14. 21-17.  Ad nauseum.

NFC North

1.   Green Bay – They have a decent chance to get to the Super Bowl again.  Who’s going to stop them?  The Eagles and whose army?

2.   Detroit Lions – Ndamukong Suh is capable of an MVP-level season. Matthew Stafford could fall on his head and break into a million pieces at any moment but if he doesn’t, the Lions should be above average.

3.   Chicago Bears – I’m not sure why I think the Bears can finish as high as third.

4.   Minnesota Vikings – Adrian Peterson will appear regularly on SportsCenter.  So will Donovan McNabb.  For different reasons.

NFC South

1.   New Orleans Saints – Adding Mark Ingram will only make Drew Brees more effective.

2.   Atlanta Falcons – Too many ex-Pats for me to bet against them.

3.   Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tough draw for the young Bucs.

4.   Carolina Panthers – What’s the over/under on when Cam Newton runs himself into a season-ending injury?  Week 6?

NFC West

1.   St. Louis Rams – At first I thought, why bother?  Then I remembered that one of these teams gets a berth in the playoffs.  It’s like a law or something.  Anyway, in Sam Bradford the Rams have the best QB in the division so, ipso facto, first place in the NFC West.  Will that come with an asterisk?

2.   Arizona Cardinals – Kolb to Fitzgerald may be enough.  I guess it better be enough.

3.   San Francisco 49ers – Jim Harbaugh > Pete Carroll.

4.   Seattle Seahawks – What’s the thinking here?  Tavaris Jackson just didn’t get a fair chance to prove himself in Minnesota?  Or is this a clever ploy to secure Andrew Luck so Pete Carroll can win his battle of who could care less with Jim Harbaugh?

AFC Champ: Patriots
NFC Champ: Packers


Super Bowl Champ: Patriots (like you didn't see that one coming)

Headphones On

I love this song.