That's How The Movie Starts

Jimmy was having a bad day.

Michelle had dumped him on Friday and he had spent the weekend earning the hangover he was suffering this all too savagely sunny Monday morning. James Delahunt Gordon and Michelle Catherine Morris had been together for nearly two years and Jimmy had decided Michelle was his one and only. He'd planned to ask her to move in over dinner at the Blue Heron restaurant, rehearsing his little speech in the bathroom mirror every morning that week.

"I've got something to tell you," they both said at the same time after their drinks arrived. 

"You first," they both said together and Jimmy smiled. This is just how a rom-com starts, Jimmy thought. 

"I've been thinking for a while," Michelle began and Jimmy thought hopefully, she's going to ask me to move in with her! She did have a nicer place. In a flash he imagined a happily ever after life with a house and a big backyard and kids and coaching Little League and taking over as Supervisor of the Stone Point Department of Public Works. Mayor of Stone Point! "I'm…" Michelle hesitated. "I think I need some time. Apart. You know? Space. Some alone time, you know? I just, you know… I just don't think this is going anywhere."

"This?" Jimmy asked reflexively.

"Us," Michelle said.

"You're breaking up with me?" asked, his voice cracking.

"Yes," Michelle said matter of factly, taking a sip of her mojito. 

The waitress returned. "You two ready to order? Maybe an appetizer? We're out of the maple bacon-wrapped scallops. Sorry about that. But you know the wings are always good."

The waitress waited a moment as Jimmy stared at Michelle while Michelle refused to lose eye contact with her mojito.

"I'll just give you two another minute then," the waitress said and smiled in that resigned way that waitresses smile when you're taking way too much time with the menu. Or maybe she'd seen this kind of thing before. Maybe the Blue Heron is where couples in Stone Point go to break up. Why didn't Jimmy know this?

Before she could go, Jimmy said, "You can just bring the check for the drinks, please." He picked up his beer and emptied the glass. 

"Aren't we going to have dinner? I mean, I'd like to think we can still be friends," Michelle said.

Jimmy stood up and took out his wallet. He gave the waitress his card. "I'll meet you over at the cash register to sign for the drinks," he said. He turned to Michelle. He made some sounds that he wasn't quite sure were words. She wanted to be friends?

She reached out for his hand but he stepped back. "You're a great guy, Jimmy. You'll meet someone else," she said without a perceptible hint of sincerity. Rom-coms do start this way, Jimmy thought, only he wasn't feeling like he was going to be the star of this particular movie. 

At the cash register, he told the waitress he was only paying for his beer. Michelle was on her own for the mojito. "Kind of a dick move, don't you think?" The waitress asked. Jimmy signed the slip and handed it to her. "Oh, and no tip. I guess I can see why she dumped you."

Enraged, Jimmy tried to push the cash register off the counter but it was too heavy. The waitress smiled at him. "You're a real man, aren't you?" People at the counter and seated at tables nearby were looking at him now. Everything but the pain of his still beating but broken heart had drained from his body. 

"Have a nice night," Jimmy said, unable to think of anything else. He staggered for the door.

He decided to buy a case of beer on the way back to his apartment then thought better of it and bought two. 

He had spent the weekend drinking. Now it was Monday and he was on his way to work in sunglasses and slept in clothes. Unable to decide if he was nauseous or hungry, he decided to stop in at the Coffee Cup Diner, risking an encounter with Michelle, who worked there as an assistant manager. Or rather the "C Cup" Diner, as it was more commonly known. It was that time of the year, the week before Stone Point High School graduation and the annual rite of passage in which the senior class boys had scaled to the rooftop of the Coffee Cup Diner and disconnected the "offee" lights, rebranding the diner as the "C Cup." Jimmy had been there and done that with the Class of '09. 

He wasn't sure if he hoped Michelle would be there. Would she see him, burst into tears and run into his arms? That's what happens in a rom-com, doesn't it? 

The "C Cup" had been his favorite breakfast spot from before he'd met her. On this bleary Monday morning he really couldn't think of another place to go even as he realized he was going to have to figure that out. As much as he loved the Irish Benedict at the "C Cup" he knew he'd have to move on. Michelle dumping him was going to mean breaking up with his favorite diner, too. He knew in that moment he'd moved on from denial to anger. 

He sat at the counter and Karen Summers brought him a cup of coffee. "Hey Jimmy," she said.

Karen was a fellow graduate of Stone Point High School. She had been a year or two behind, a junior or sophomore when he was a senior. Had he made out with her at the Spring Dance? Maybe that was Kathy Bauer. 

"Hey Karen," Jimmy said, trying to be cool as he looked around the counter area and craned his neck to see into the kitchen.

"She's not here," Karen said.

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"Michelle," Karen said. "She's off today."

Jimmy nodded. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, remembering the face of the man in the bathroom mirror that morning. It was the face of a man who seemed to be pleading for forgiveness. Or a second chance he probably didn't deserve. That pleading, pathetic face was soft and puffy. Was it the two cases of beer or did he always look like this? He needed a shave but didn't dare risk it. He realized as he contemplated the face in the mirror that it belonged to an average guy living an average life. Check that. He was a below average guy living a below average life. If he was going to be honest, he looked like that guy on the local evening news, a person of interest wanted in conjunction with a convenience store robbery over in Alton. If you see this man, do not approach, according to Stone Point chief of police, Tim Waterman. James Delahunt Gordon is considered unarmed and harmless. Call 911 if you see this man.

 

"Hung over, huh?" Karen asked.

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"Hangover," Karen said. "You're wearing your sunglasses inside and you reek of beer. Not that I don't understand."

"What?" Jimmy asked again, wondering if he'd completely lost the ability to speak in complete sentences.

Karen pulled out her phone. "I follow Michelle on Instagram. Don't you?" she said. Jimmy couldn't follow anyone on anything with his $9.99 a month flip phone, which was all he could afford. She handed him her phone and he looked at a picture of Michelle and Bill MacKenzie, smiling, cheek to cheek. The caption read "Tru Luv!"

"Billy Mac!" Jimmy said. "That… That..." But Jimmy's mind couldn't come up with the words that would fill the measure of his disgust. 

Taking the phone back, Karen offered "Douche? Dick? A-hole?" She looked at the picture of Michelle and Billy Mac. "He may be a dick but he does have a nice car, though. I mean, if you're into muscle cars. That Dodge Charger of his is a cherry bomb."

Jimmy glanced out the front window at his 20-year old Chevy Impala. It was definitely not cherry but if it were to explode on his way to work later, he wouldn't be surprised.

"He kind of looks a little bit like Keanu Reeves, too," Karen observed. Looking up from the phone, she asked, "Irish Benedict?"

"Sure," Jimmy said. "Yeah. Irish Benedict."

He thought maybe he shouldn't feel so bad about losing his girl to a cherry-bomb Dodge Charger-driving Keanu Reeves. He wondered where he could find a Keanu Reeves mask so he could steal Billy Mac's car and rob a bank in his Keanu Reeves mask, framing Billy Mac in the process, making his escape with a big bag of money to some small Caribbean island almost nobody has ever heard of to lie on the beach with a bikini-clad Karen Summers.

Karen brought his Irish Benedict and refilled his coffee cup. "You aren't going to work are you?"

Jimmy nodded, "Yeah, I'm going to work."

"You should call out sick," Karen said. "It's kind of the truth."

"Can't afford it," Jimmy said. 

Karen watched as he carved out a forkful of egg, hash, and english muffin, dragged it all through a puddle of hollandaise sauce and somehow managed to fit it all into his mouth. "Well look," she said. "I've got some Febreeze out in my car. When you're ready to go, you should let me spray you down. You don't want to go to work smelling like you do."

Jimmy wondered if he cared. Maybe getting fired was just the next bad thing to happen in this first reel of the worst rom-com ever. Bad day. Bad week. He chewed and swallowed. "Okay," he said.

He got to work late at the Stone Point DPW, assuring himself the usual and customary confrontation with his boss, Scott Dillard, a 50-something tight-ass not so affectionately known as "Dillweed." Punctuality was not one of Jimmy's gifts. As he walked into the dispatch room, Scott was behind his desk. "Glad you could make it," he said derisively, then to Jimmy's amazement, Scott's sharply drawn and severely shaven face softened. "You look like shit," Scott said. "And you smell like a French whorehouse." 

Jimmy thought better of asking Dillweed how he knew what a French whorehouse smelled like and said,"Morning, boss. How was your weekend?"

"Better than yours, I'd guess," Scott said. "Sorry to hear about you and Michelle but I guess it's safe to say now. I never thought you two would last. You were punching way above your weight class - not to mention paycheck - with that girl."

Jimmy didn't know what to say. Was Scott also following Michelle on Instagram? Did he know about Keanu Reeves? What else had happened over the weekend while he was drunk in his apartment, oblivious to anything other than his own pain? 

"Anyway, when Stevie gets out of the can, I want you two to get out to the storage facility in the caves. I sent David and Claire out there for a monthly inspection and I can't reach them on radio and neither one is picking up their cell."

This is how a monster movie starts, Jimmy thought. "You suspect foul play, boss?"

"I suspect David and Claire are playing at something foul," Scott said. "And if you or Stevie had been on time I wouldn't have had to send them out together knowing they've been spending their spare time at the dark end of the street."

"What was the rush?" Jimmy asked, still suspecting monsters might be involved. "It was just a regular monthly inspection, right?"

"Right, yeah," Scott said. He paused with his lips pressed together and it appeared he had something to say about monsters when Stevie came out of the bathroom. 

"Yo, Jimmy," Stevie said. "Sorry about you and Michelle."

Scott swiveled in his chair, grabbed a key ring off the board and turned back to toss them to Stevie. "You drive." He turned to Jimmy. "I'm not sure you could pass a breathalyzer." He turned back to Stevie. "And zip your pants, Colby. I know your tiny dick would have any sexual harassment case thrown out of court for insufficient evidence but show some self-respect, will you?"

They drove for a few miles before Stevie broke the silence.

"You doing okay, man?" 

Jimmy, Stevie Campbell, David "DJ" Johnson and Claire Buckley had all graduated from Stone Point High together. Jimmy suspected they all hated each other just a little bit for reminding each other that whatever dreams they'd had when they were 17-year olds had become the seldomly revisited regrets of those who'd become prisoners of a small town in America. Stevie had been in A/V club with him where they had bonded over their love of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. Claire had been the head cheerleader who never gave him a glance let alone a word back in the day. DJ was the jock; the quarterback, point guard, shortstop leading Stone Point Mustangs teams that lost more than they won. None of them had gotten any farther than a few classes at Little Bay Community College. Jimmy liked Stevie okay. They'd been friends for nearly ten years and they still talked movies all the time. Were they best friends? Maybe. He certainly liked Stevie better than DJ or Claire. But he really wasn't in the mood to talk.

"I'm good," Jimmy said.

"Come on, man," Stevie said. "I remember how I felt when Brenda dumped me. And I'd already been dumped by Courtney, and Sarah. And of course Brenda the first time. It's terrible, every time. You need to get that shit out, bro."

"What do you suppose we have in this truck that we could use as weapons?" Jimmy asked.

"Now you're talking, Jimmy! That's the spark of life, my man! But violence isn't the answer. Someday you'll realize this is the best thing that ever could've happened to you," Stevie said.

"I'm not talking about Michelle. Don't you see this is how a monster movie starts?" Jimmy asked. 

"What are you talking about? If anything, getting dumped by your girlfriend of two years is the start of a rom-com."

"David and Claire get sent out to the caves on a routine inspection, except, is it routine?" Jimmy asked. "I think Dillweed knows something he didn't tell us. You know what's stored in the caves. All kinds of toxic chemicals, maybe some radioactive waste, the kind of shit that causes mutant spiders the size of a pickup truck. Guys like you and me or DJ and Claire are just the monster meat, the human sushi that gets served up in the first reel. Decapitated heads and dismembered arms and legs. We could be all shredded skin and spilled intestines an hour from now."

"Come on," Stevie said. "David and Claire are just getting busy. And it makes Scott mad because he isn't getting any."

"And you know what happens to people who have sex in a monster movie, don't you?"

"What makes you think this isn't a coming of age story?" Steve asked.

"I think we're all at least ten years past this being a coming of age story," Jimmy said. "And what makes you think Scott isn't getting any?"

"You didn't know?" Stevie asked. "Scott and Linda are getting a divorce. They've been separated a couple of months now. He had to move in with his son and his daughter-in-law is none too happy about it." 

Jimmy thought about it. Maybe Dillweed wasn't going to tell him that cattle and sheep had been disappearing around the caves. Maybe he was going to tell him about his impending divorce. "Maybe this is a rom-com."

"Yeah," Stevie said. "Doesn't the classic rom-com start with people breaking up, getting divorced, right? Then everyone finds a new partner or gets back together, because they realize they always loved each other. Maybe that will happen with you and Michelle."

"Yeah. I don't think so," Jimmy said.

"Why not?" Stevie asked.

"Keanu Reeves," Jimmy said.

"Keanu Reeves?" Stevie asked.

"Long story," Jimmy said. "Pull over up here, will you?"

"Why?" Stevie asked.

"Because I'm going to throw up my breakfast."

They arrived at the caves and pulled in next to the DPW truck David and Claire had left near the gate in the chain link fence that circled the Stone Point Storage Facility, aka, the caves. Jimmy got out of the truck and looked down into the valley and the sprawl of houses and stores and churches and restaurants that made up the bulk of the city of Stone Point. On the far side of the residential area was the mini-mall and Bob Jefferson's Ford car dealership. He took a deep breath, held it and exhaled. The hangover was slowly fading; the sharp edges of pain were dull now. He was going to live through this. Throwing up that Irish Benedict had definitely helped.

Jimmy found a jack handle with the truck's spare tire. Maybe this was a rom-com but he wasn't taking any chances. He took hold of it like a baseball bat and took a quick, chopping, practice swing. 

"This is not a monster movie," Stevie said. Jimmy thought he could sense some tension in Stevie's voice. 

Jimmy said, "But you have to admit, this is how a monster movie starts. With the first victims found by the second victims."

"David and Claire are victims of love if they're victims at all," Stevie said.

"Okay, then. Fine," Jimmy said. "Let's go. I'll be right behind you." 

Stevie pulled a large flashlight from behind the driver's seat, then took out his phone. "Try to be quiet, okay? I'm going to get a picture of David and Claire with their pants down. Literally."

"Why would you do that? It's a little pervy, don't you think?" Jimmy asked.

"You know, I ask for so little of this life, Jimmy. I'm picturing Claire in her cheerleader outfit and David wearing his basketball jersey, desperately and nostalgically humping under the unflattering fluorescent light down in the caves. Don't begrudge me this." 

"Okay, let's just go," Jimmy said. "Wait. What do you suppose lives in those caves besides spiders?"

"What do I look like? A zookeeper?" Stevie asked.

"You mean a zoologist," Jimmy said.

"No I don't," Stevie said. "I'm pretty sure it's zookeeper. Anyway, I'm not one and I don't know. Centipedes? Scorpions?"

"I thought scorpions lived in the desert," Jimmy said.

"I told you I wasn't a zookeeper," Stevie said. 

"Never mind," Jimmy said. "Spiders as big as a pickup truck and centipedes as long as um, you know, a pickup truck are bad enough."

Stevie turned back, puzzlement on his face. "A centipede the size of a German Shepherd wouldn't be scary enough? Or is pick-up truck the basis of your new, improved metric system?"

"Figures of speech are hard when you're hungover."

They made their way into the caves. The lights were on, an indicator that David and Claire had preceded them. Jimmy followed Stevie down the metal staircase to the first sublevel. No sign of DJ and Claire in the small equipment area where there was a table that seemed a convenient if uncomfortable location for a tryst. Jimmy walked to the head of the metal stairs that led to the second sublevel and gave a holler, "DJ! Claire! Get your pants on and get up here!"

"Damn it, Jimmy!" Stevie bolted past him and down the stairway with his cellphone out, ready to catch David and Claire in the act or at least before they got their pants back on. Jimmy followed at a slower pace, wondering how his life had led him to this moment. Was Supervisor for the Stone Point DPW the best he could do in life? Marrying and divorcing Karen the waitress? Coaching the last place Little League team? He was no Keanu Reeves, that much was for sure. 

Jimmy arrived at the second sublevel to find Stevie with his hands on his knees, struggling to gain his breath. "No DJ," he huffed. "No Claire," he puffed. Jimmy spun around reflexively, raising the tire iron defensively. "No F-150 sized spiders or centipedes, either," Stevie added.

"They wouldn't take the ladder down to the third level, would they?" Jimmy asked, moving to the narrow passageway. "DJ! Claire! It's Jimmy!" He waited. "I'm sure you've heard about me and Michelle breaking up! Give me a break, will you?" Nothing. "DJ! Claire!" He waited again. 

Suddenly, the rock floor they were standing on shook and kept shaking. There was a low, humming sound that filled the room. Jimmy turned to Stevie.

"Earthquake!" Stevie yelped. He joined Jimmy at the top of the ladder down to the third sublevel. "DJ!" they hollered. "Claire!" 

Stevie turned to Jimmy. "We've got to get out of here and now."

Looking down, Jimmy said, "But DJ and Claire…" He turned around to see Stevie's back side as he headed up the metal stairway to the first sublevel.

"They aren't down there!" Stevie exclaimed in self-justification as he continued up the stairway. "Let's go!"

The rock floor was shaking harder now and the low, humming sound growing louder. Jimmy dropped the tire iron and sprinted after Stevie.

They burst out of the caves and ran for the truck. The humming sound was overwhelming now; they could feel it on their skin. They were at the truck and Stevie was fumbling with the keys when Jimmy looked up and saw it. "Stevie!" Jimmy hollered, barely hearing himself over the rumbling din. "Stevie!"

Stevie looked over at Jimmy and followed his eyes up to a silvery, football-shaped UFO as big as the Stone Point High School gym. It hovered above them, seemingly close enough to touch.

So, Jimmy thought, it's the start of a sci-fi movie.

Stevie moved carefully and slowly around the front of the city truck and stood next to Jimmy. "DJ and Claire!" Stevie yelled, pointing up at the oblate flying saucer. "They've been abducted!"

And then, just like that, the UFO disappeared and it was quiet again. Just as suddenly, the UFO appeared over the city of Stone Point. Jimmy and Stevie watched dumbstruck as the UFO covered Stone Point in a yellow orange light. And then, Stone Point was gone and only bare, blackened ground remained. The UFO tilted and disappeared again.

"This is definitely how a sci-fi movie starts," Jimmy said.

"Sorry, man," Stevie said as they looked down on the place that used to be their hometown. "I guess this isn't a rom-com and you won't be getting back together with Michelle."

Jimmy looked at Stevie. Stevie looked back. "Too soon?"

Jimmy looked back at where Stone Point used to be. "We were never getting back together." 

"Yeah. Hey, maybe we're the heroes of this movie," Stevie said. "After all, we survived the first attack. That's how a sci-fi movie starts."

Jimmy considered this. "If you and I are the heroes of this movie, then planet earth is totally fucked. Me, a man with no discernible skills and you said it yourself. You're no zookeeper. Think of all the sci-fi movies we've seen in our lives. Did either one of us bother to learn Morse Code? Despite all the movies where salvation came down to sending  and understanding messages in Morse Code? How are we going to save planet earth when we don't know Morse Code? Or how electricity works? Neither one of us has basic computer skills, let alone the ability to hack into the computers of an alien race capable of interstellar travel."

Stevie finally got the keys untangled and the truck unlocked. "Planet earth is never totally fucked. So maybe we're not the heroes. Maybe we're the comic relief! You know, like Charlie Day in 'Pacific Rim.' He lived."

Comic relief. That, Jimmy thought, actually made some sense.

"Get in," Stevie said. "Let's head on over to Merrimack. They've got a TV station. They'll know what's going on."

Jimmy got into the truck. That adventure he never thought he'd ever have was starting.