South Carolina has added the death by firing squad option to the menu for condemned prisoners. You know, when they're out of the veal.
Convicted murderers in the Palmetto State will now be able to have an alternative to the electric chair when the state is low on the poisonous chemicals necessary for death by lethal injection. Death by bullets.
My question is, why stop there?
Death by firing squad is a great call back and definitely a nod to the Second Amendment but how about hanging by the neck until dead? That gives me a rush of nostalgia for my childhood and watching old western movies on TV with my family. What's more American than a posse of unqualified and hastily deputized police officers chasing down a fugitive from the law and meeting out some frontier justice? In fact, let's forget the scaffolding. Let's throw that rope over a tree branch, put the prisoner on a horse and give it a good slap on its haunches. Yee haw!
How about death by starvation/thirst? The prisoner gets that last meal and then they're left in their cell with no food or drink until they expire. I'm thinking pay per view or an "updates on the 8s" kind of thing. Prop bets. Will Joe "Snake Eyes" Johnson (that's right, he killed his victims with rattlesnakes) beat the 8-day record of Ben "Death by a Thousand Cuts" Whitaker (and yes, the nickname is self-explanatory)? What's the over/under? Was his last meal heavy on fats and carbs? Anybody know "Snake Eyes" body-mass index? This could be a huge money maker!
Gas chamber? Wasn't that a thing once? I don't want to be insensitive. This isn't an option we'd offer to Jewish convicts. I'm not a monster, after all.
Guillotine! I'd go with the generic beheading here but think of the drama as the blade is slowly raised up to the cross-bar. The moment's hesitation as the blade hangs there, as the lawyers check one more time on whether the governor has picked up his voice mail. The audible gasp of the crowd as the blade falls. Pay per view? Of course! But this could also be a large venue event. In Person. Parking and Concessions. Pre-drop concerts (Katy Perry, Snoop Dogg, this year's winner of "American Idol" singing the anthem). Recouping the price of the front row seats by selling the bloodstained shirt, tie, and jacket on eBay. We've all missed having a little theater in our lives, haven't we?
Death by meat. Prisoners would have to pass through rigorous medical screening to qualify but those who do could be dropped into a giant meat grinder and turned into pre-packaged murderer burgers. This might be the most lucrative option of all. I'm going to say (and I think I'm being conservative) $100,000/ounce for Grade A certified, free range murderer. You don't think the next generation of Khloe Kardasians wouldn't be lining up for that like it was the first Sonic to open in your neighborhood? There's probably a Stephen King novel in this one: Obscenely wealthy hedge fund manager ponies up a cool million for the "Snake Eyes" double-cheeseburger only to become the King of the Pit Vipers, leading his army of rattlers, copperheads, and cottonmouths on a literal Wall Street market bloodbath… Okay. Having second thoughts about this one…
My point is just that there's so much more we can do to kill people if we'll just let our imaginations run free. Death by Government Experiment (the possibilities here are almost endless), Death by Driving a Car with a Full Tank of Gas off a Cliff, Death by Doughnuts (yes, you do have to eat a lot of them but they will definitely kill you). Come on, America! Let's do this!
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