My War With Chipmunks

Ironically, "Chip and Dale" were two of my childhood favorite cartoon characters.

Classic 50s "Chip and Dale;" not the lame "Rescue Rangers" reboot.

Now all I can do is wonder how such loathsome, thieving rodents could ever have been made to look cute. Damn you, Walt Disney!

The chipmunks no longer leave the bird-feeder when I knock on the sliding glass door that opens to our back deck. At first, my mere appearance - an ominous, dark, looming shape 10,000 times their size - would send them scurrying for cover. Now, I must throw open the sliding glass door, pull back the screen door, and leap onto the deck, landing with a loud thud, crying out "I see you! I see you!"

I'm not sure why I settled upon that particular phrase but I suspect it was the way the chipmunks would lock eyes on me as I stood at the door, knocking on the glass, incensed by their indifferent, mocking eyes staring right at me. 

You looking at me? You looking at me? Then who the hell else are you looking… You looking at me?

Do not make me go all Travis Bickle on you!

I know the chipmunks do not understand my words or the implicit if unfulfilled threat behind them, nor does my "I saw the guy next door do something really weird today" behavior have any lasting impact. The chipmunks scurry off to nearby hiding places only briefly, returning to their perches on the bird feeders by the time I'm closing the sliding glass door. 

My backyard has become a battleground dotted with chipmunk foxholes. Unfortunately, they are far too quick for my riding lawnmower.

When I buy more birdseed, I check the bags in vain for a banner warning "Squirrels and Chipmunks Hate Our Seeds!" 

I'm really looking for "Poisonous to small rodents when consumed in large amounts!" surrounded by tiny chipmunk skulls and crossbones. 

Kidding.

I think.

Seriously, I would never do that. My wife thinks the chipmunks are cute. (That's how they win!) I suspect she recognizes distinct patterns in their fur and that she has names for them. It definitely provides me with challenging rules of engagement. I suspect the chipmunks know they fall under my wife's protection. I saw it in those indifferent, mocking eyes.

You see me? You see me? Your wife sees you!

It's a war I know I can't win but, aren't lost causes the only ones worth fighting for?

(What sado-masochistic moron said that, anyway? It seems to me the only causes worth fighting for are the ones that secure high end real estate and lucrative naming rights.)

I'm considering how I might electrify the bird-feeder. Nothing lethal (not intentionally - I have no idea what heart conditions tiny rodents might suffer from that might be a contributing factor); just a charge sufficient to make the necessary modifications to terminate their birdseed-stealing behaviors. 

Not to mention watching them propelled explosively from the perch on the bird-feeder, trailing a thin blue arc of electricity from their furry buttocks.

Yeah. I see you!