Spiders

The Internet is a magical place where you can be looking for one thing when you stumble on to a video of a chicken killing and eating a spider.

Best. Spider. Movie. Ever.

And to all the chickens out there, let me be the first to say: Sorry about the chicken parm.

Yes, I'm afraid of spiders. I'm filled with an atavistic rage when I see one and celebrate a little bit too much like the apes who discover weapons at the beginning of "2001: A Space Odyssey" after killing one. I have often felt contempt for those who tell me "They're more afraid of you than you are of them." 

Spiders do not feel fear! 

Also, you have no idea how big my fear of spiders really is. Hint: It can be seen from outer space.

I don't think I'm alone in this, either. 

From "Tarantula" to Shatner's "Kingdom of the Spiders" to that scene in the South American caves early in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," and Shelob in the Ring Trilogy, ain't nobody saying, "Ooh, look! Aren't those spiders cute? With their compound eyes, and eight legs and furry bodies! Who's a pretty spider? Who's a pretty spider? You are! Yes you are!" 

You know why? 

Because those are the people who get eaten by the spiders first.

Also, spiders are not cute.

Nobody's carrying a spider around on their shoulder like a pirate with a parrot, are they?

My recent virtual encounter with the spider-eating chicken did make me think that maybe instead of having young, pre-Rowdy Yates Clint Eastwood firing a rocket at the titular character in "Tarantula" the scientists should've instead made a giant chicken to combat the giant spider. 

Then again, I suppose a gigantic spider is enough of a metaphor for the unintended consequences of mad science. Still, seeing a giant chicken kill and eat a giant spider would've been awesome. And then young Clint Eastwood could've fired a rocket at that giant chicken. I mean, a giant chicken might as well be a T-Rex and we've all seen how that movie ends.

Sorry, giant chicken but goodbye wing shortage! 

I know I should take solace in knowing that advanced weaponry isn't required. If spiders had the vote, you know they'd be lobbying for "common sense" shoe control laws. Soon, like-minded, spider-fearing folk like myself would need to take to the streets in counter-protests.

Do I need a shoe that big? No, but I want a shoe that big! And lots of them! 

Note: Do not tell the spiders about vacuum cleaners.