Tense and Nervous

It hasn’t helped the collective pigskin psyche of Patriots Nation to see “Julian Edelman, foot” show up on the injury report. Or “LeGarrette Blount, hip.” Not to mention the rumors about Gronk’s balky hamstring. Who would’ve thought “Marcus Cannon, calf” would’ve been a cause for concern? Maybe after losing at home, getting shut out by a division rival coached by Rex Ryan, everything is a cause for concern.

My Boyfriend’s Back and There’s Gonna Be Trouble...

I’m totally down with Belichick waiting till the last minute to activate Brady to stiff the local and national pigskin pundits and bobbleheads. Fuck those guys. They carried Roger Goodell’s water throughout the Deflategate saga, chose to treat the Ideal Gas Law as some 19th century dude’s “opinion,” giving equal weight to two-year old text messages between a grown up Beavis and Butthead as “proof,” and now they want to be friends? As my daughter would say, “Suck it, bitches!”

Plus, we’re on to Cleveland.

Don’t Look Back… Okay I’m Looking Back...

Also, that Buffalo game was a combination Zen Slap and Teachable Moment.

The fact the Pats rookie quarterback was playing with a thumb - on his throwing hand - so damaged that he just went in for surgery that ended his season? Not an excuse.

The fact their defense held a Bills team that has scored 31 and 33 in its two previous games to just 16 points? Not good enough.

The fact their starting QB, the 17-year veteran face of the franchise, the G.O.A.T. is returning from an unjust 4-game suspension and ready to unleash hell? Nothing to see here, folks.

Did I mention we’re on to Cleveland?

Rust Never Sleeps...

Before the season began, I looked at Brady’s return in Week 5 against the Cleveland Browns and predicted total devastation. I predicted Brady would break every NFL single-game record for passing; attempts, completions, completion %, TD passes, passer rating, QBR. This was, of course, the unserious ravings of just another nut with a blog. In my defense, I had assumed a healthy Edelman and Gronk in my projections.

I also failed to account for the fact that Brady is not an Asgardian but is, in fact, human. I was also reminded very recently that winning in the NFL is an incredibly difficult accomplishment.

To say there won’t be some rust to knock off would be ignorant and foolish. Brady may be tanned, rested and ready but he hasn’t had a chance to play full contact football for a month. Edelman and Gronk may be limited, it appears the Pats have Danny Amendola on a snap count and Brady hasn’t had many reps with Chris Hogan, Martellus Bennett and Malcolm Mitchell. So, a rough start in his first game back isn’t out of the question.

Still, Brady is a 17-year veteran. He’s been in the same offensive system for his entire career. How long before the muscle memory kicks in?

Even before finding Blount’s name on the injury report I felt this would be Brady’s game. It’s his moment. Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniels know it. It’s going to happen. And if the Patriots are in the red zone at the end of the game, with the win already in hand they will not have Brady take a knee. They will take a shot at that 8th TD pass to set the record.

Okay. They won’t do that.

I really need to work on my inner child’s anger management issues.

The Running Men...

The Patriots would be more than happy with 6 TD passes from Brady through the first three quarters (okay, I should say I would be more than happy with that) and be in a position to just grind the clock in the 4th. We don’t know the severity of Blount’s hip injury and how limited his participation in practice was but we do know Brandon Bolden won’t be taking the flight to Cleveland. James White isn’t known so much for running between the tackles as for falling down between the tackles.

Maybe Tom Brady will have to throw that 8th TD pass after all.

Subtext is Everything…

Forget about the Return of Tom Brady. I would not want to be the team facing Bill Belichick and the Patriots the week after they suffered the franchise’s most humiliating loss in the last twenty-three years. Coaches and players want to put that Buffalo game in the rear view and Cleveland just happens to be in their way. Belichick and his coaches will remind the players the Browns are actually looking forward to this game. The Browns saw the Bills game, too. They’re holding out hope Brady will be rusty. This is a win that would salvage their season. Come January they’ll be sitting home on the couch with a plate of nachos but they’d be able to point at the screen and say, “The Patriots? Yeah, we beat them.” And yes, they’ll be rooting for the Broncos.

The Revenge Tour

Okay, I’ve said it before and I’m about to say it again: Life is not a movie.

If this 2016 season was a movie there’s no other ending the audience would accept but the wronged man rising up to overcome the slings and arrows of outrageous industrial justice. Brady running the table during the regular season. Brady putting up the best playoff numbers of his career. Brady on the winner’s stage, holding the Lombardi trophy over his head, pointing with his other hand to Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg as they moon Roger Goodell (with F U R O G ! painted on their butt cheeks). Cut to Gisele Bundchen in the owner’s box with a single, tasteful tear rolling slowly down her preternaturally perfect face, whispering, “Eu te amo, Tommy.”

Real life, on the other hand, is arbitrary and cruel. In real life the Patriots are just as likely to lose in the first round of the playoffs as win SB51. In real life, things that should not be said aloud can and will happen.

Am I trying a Jim Nantz-level reverse jinx here?

Maybe.

Go Pats!