Butt-Puckering Time

Most NFL fans find themselves somewhere between anger and acceptance at this point in the season. Denial was left in the rear view a few weeks ago. For others, though, there is still plenty of fear, uncertainty and dread left. Well, except for Cowboys fans, who have nothing better to do till the playoffs start than stuffing Salvation Army buckets with cash. Merry Christmas to (almost) all!

It's butt-puckering time in Kansas City. Two weeks ago the were sitting on a 3-game winning streak against the likes of the Broncos, Falcons and Raiders. They were the most complete team in football and a fashionable pick by the gridiron cognoscenti to take down the Patriots and rep the AFC in SB51.

After their loss at home to the Titans last week, pigskin pundits and bobbleheads are dusting off their Andy Reid game-management jokes. (Seriously, if you're a Chiefs fan, do not Google "Andy Reid Jokes.") The Chiefs may have let the AFC West lead slip from their grasp but they are still in the AFC playoff bracket heading into this weekend's action, holding the top Wild Card spot. That's the good news. The bad news is that they face an embarrassed and angry Denver Broncos team this weekend (and Andy Reid is still their head coach - ba da bing!). Okay, so the AFC West and a home game in Arrowhead isn't happening but the Chiefs will still be a playoff team after their Week 17 win over the Chargers (a team even more comically coached than the Chiefs - hey yo!) followed by an inexplicable loss to a QB named Savage and the Houston Texans as Reid uses all three of his second half timeouts in the third quarter and the Chiefs lose because they can't get their field goal unit on the field for the game-winning field goal attempt off before time expires. Did I say "inexplicable?" I meant "tragically familiar" of course (rimshot).

That's right. Some how, some way, I expect the Houston Texans to hold onto the AFC South and a home playoff game. They have a quarterback named Savage who played at Rutgers (how is he not the 3rd string QB for the Patriots?) and that is straight out of a Hollywood script. Seriously, when I write my football movie, my hero quarterback is going to be named Vic Lionheart or Champ Nova or possibly Dom Grady. Savage sounds like the double-0 quarterback of the NFL. Savage. Tom Savage. The Texans need to win at home against the Bengals (check) and then travel to Tennessee with the division hanging in the balance, a game they probably shouldn't win but I think their defense will overcome common sense and win that one. That will set up the home game in the Wild Card round against the Chiefs followed by a trip to Foxborough and [fade to black]. Well, that home playoff win against the Chiefs definitely gives the franchise something to build on for 2017!

As a Patriots fan I'll be rooting for the Colts to upset the Raiders in Oakland this weekend and Indy will certainly win at home against the Jugulars in Week 17. I have no idea what tiebreakers would be involved if the Texans, Titans and Colts were all to finish 9-7-0. Let's just hope that doesn't happen. Or let's hope it does if it means either the Texans or Titans win the AFC South. Anyway, I'm hoping the Colts do finish 9-7-0 and somehow talk themselves into not firing GM Ryan Grigson or HC Chuck Pagano.

I do expect the Steelers to hold onto the NFC North but I also really don't care. Maybe I should be worried about the Ravens and Terrell "Oh No He Didn't" Suggs coming to Foxborough in January but I'm just so over that. My preference for the Steelers vs. Patriots in the playoffs has nothing to do with any fear of the Ravens; it has everything to do with the fact that Tom Brady owns the Pittsburgh defense. Let's not overthink this one, okay?

The Dolphins look good for the moment but they have to travel to Buffalo this weekend and then host a Patriots team that may still have something to play for to close out the regular season. (The Dolphins should be rooting for the Colts, too.) I think the Bills will play the Dolphins tough and win an old school run, run, run, kick a field goal kind of game. Miami could stumble down the stretch and tumble out of the playoffs with a 9-7-0 record. Hey, I'd love it if the Patriots were in a position to start Jimmy Garoppolo Week 17 in Miami to give Brady a chance to rehab whatever that leg injury is (Thigh? Knee? Drumstick?) that's had him on the injury report recently. I'd also love to see Jimmy G throw 4 TD passes and the Pats serve up some Dolphins sushi in that game, even if home field has been locked up. If the Dolphins are building on anything for 2017, I want it to be 9-7-0 and another late season collapse.

Does anyone think the Lions can hold off Aaron "Death Eater" Rodgers and the resurgent Packers? No. The answer is no. Well, unless this happens.

Does it matter? Will any of it matter?

Doesn't everyone want Dallas and New England on the sidelines in Houston come February?

Yes. The answer is yes.