Narrative Seeking

As we hit the halfway mark in the season, there are a few storylines I’m tracking. Well, it’s more that I’m narrative seeking than narrative tracking. After all, anything can happen in this crazy pigskin world…

The “Tom Brady is the GOAT, Bitches” Revival Tour...

We’ll start with the obvious choice for this naturalized citizen of Patriots Nation.

I think we’ve come to forget that deep down inside, Tom Brady is still that 6th round pick wanting to prove everyone wrong. Maybe we should remember. It seems incredible that anyone as accomplished as Brady could burn with the light and heat of a thousand suns at this point in his career. Whatever his motivation, incredible is a good word to describe what Tom Terrific has done in the month of October.

Maybe we have Roger Goodell to thank for pushing Brady’s Intens-O-Meter from 10 to 11. Maybe this year is all about reclaiming his good name and his pigskin legacy. A season to put Deflategate in the rear view. A year to put every other quarterback in NFL history in the rear view. One ring to rule them all.

There’s only one satisfactory ending to that story and it’s Tom Brady holding a Lombardi Trophy in February.

Brock Osweiler Finally Gets It and Combines with DeAndre Hopkins to Win the AFC South...

I think John Elway has enjoyed Osweiler’s struggles just a little too much. It’s hard for me to believe the QB who beat the Patriots in Denver last year is as bad as his 2016 numbers say he is. Maybe I think of the Texans as the Patriots by Southwest, with ex-Pats like HC Bill O’Brien, et al., running the show in Houston. Hard to root against Big Vince. Harder to see him playing for a loser.

Maybe it’s just that I want anyone other than the Colts to win the AFC South.

Despite Osweiler’s disastrous first half, the Texans stand atop the AFC South with a 5-3-0 record (though the 4-4-0 Titans may be the better team overall now that JJ Watt is out for the season). Unless 8-8-0 is enough to win the division (not that unlikely), the Texans need to figure out how to win a road game. To do that, they need better play from Osweiler. What’s to say Osweiler can’t play like he did in that game a year ago against the Patriots? Well, time and opposing defenses, I suppose.

But hey, who doesn’t like a comeback story?

Speaking of comebacks...

Matty Ice Carries the Falcons to the Super Bowl...

This isn’t just about me hoping the Patriots can face a deeply flawed defensive unit in the Super Bowl. Well, okay, that may be part of it.

Over the first five years of his career, Matt Ryan was on the ascent and looked like he’d be one of the great quarterbacks of his generation, topping out in 2012 with a 13-3-0 record and posting career best marks across the board.

That didn’t happen.

The Falcons fell to 4-12-0 in 2013 and the following years were marked by “Whatever Happened to Matt Ryan” stories as his “Matty Ice” nickname became one of ironic derision.

For those of us fascinated by patterns: The Falcons won 4 games in 2013, 6 games in 2014, 8 games in 2015 and - you guessed it - are on pace to win 10 games in 2016 and Matty Ice is back. Ryan is on pace for career best numbers across the board.

Will 10 wins be enough to win the NFC North? Yes, that’s obviously a rhetorical question. 10-6-0 will win the NFC South going away.

It won’t get you home field for the playoffs though...

The Cleveland Browns Run the Table; Jamie Collins to IR...

I generally don’t wish ill on anybody (okay, that’s a lie) but something is going on in Cleveland that seems almost biblical in proportions. Is the stadium built on an Indian graveyard? Did the Browns cut a player of Gypsy descent in the early 70s? Does Voldemort hate the Browns? Was it firing Bill Belichick? Is that why Voldemort hates the Browns? Because they fired his good friend and long-time confidante?

Interesting theories but when it comes to the Browns relentless pursuit of mediocrity perhaps it’s all down to simple-minded bone-headedness.

Whatever the explanation, the Browns are a terrible football team assembled apparently at random by people who seem to have no real understanding of the sport they play. At 0-8-0 and losing games by an average margin of 10 points, why weren’t the Browns sellers at the trade deadline? Joe Thomas and Joe Haden - at minimum, and anyone else on the roster named Joe - should be wearing another team’s jerseys today. The franchise is clearly in the midst of a rebuild. Did management think it would send the wrong message to the locker room?

We’re 0-8-0 but we’re not giving up! Instead of dumping veterans for draft picks we’ve traded for Jamie Collins, an athletic freak we won’t be able to sign to a long-term deal who gives us a legit shot at 2-12-0 and a legit shot at losing out on the #1 pick in next year’s draft!

Doesn’t that send a message to the locker room that management is crazy?

As for Collins, it’s not that I want to see him get hurt but it just seems so Brownsian that it would happen. The only thing that would make it more Brownsian would be if it happened right after Collins signed a big money contract extension (still don’t think that happens, though).

Yes, okay, maybe I’m just a little bit bitter over the fact the Browns couldn’t hold onto a 20-7 lead and stick a fork in the New York Jets.

Andrew Luck Restructures His Contract in the Vain Hope Ryan Grigson Will One Day Put Together a Defense...

A word of advice to Andrew Luck: Don’t do it. Keep every last dollar.

From Albert Breer’s Game Plan column on MMQB, discussing the Collins trade and contract negotiations…

“Based on new-money average, Brady’s the 12th highest-paid QB in the NFL, and that’s on a deal that added 2018 and ’19 to his existing contract. His cap number ranks 28th in the NFL for 2016. So … who are YOU to ask for a top-of-the-market deal?”

I get it. Brady is the blueprint. It’s like Oasis acknowledging they copied the Beatles because they were the best. You’d be a fool not to look at Brady and do everything he does, right down to the avocado ice cream.

But here’s the thing: Brady is playing for a great general manager in Bill Belichick and whatever money he leaves on the table, Brady knows Belichick will use it wisely. Andrew Luck is playing for a team run by Ryan Grigson, who should’ve been fired last year for gross negligence, utter incompetence and for using way too much hair product.

Only one team in the NFL has given up more points than the Colts (230) and that would be (you know what’s coming here) the Cleveland Browns (238). In short, you are doomed Andrew Luck; you might as well get paid.

You’ve got one hope: At the end of this season, Grigson and head coach Chuck Pagano are fired and owner Jim Irsay issues a public apology for the Colts role in Deflategate then hires Nick Caserio and Josh McDaniels as his new GM and head coach.

Anybody But the Broncos Wins the AFC West...

People who are thinking it would be great to see Oakland playing in the snow in Foxborough in January are obviously climate change deniers. That game - should it happen - will be played in a light but steady rain with temps in the low 40s. Also, Raiders fans need to let the Tuck Rule Game go and move on.

The thing that would make that game even better? Derek Carr winning the MVP over Tom Brady. What’s the timing on something like that? Could it be announced the day of the AFC Championship game?

The Broncos losing the West - and losing out on a Wild Card spot on a tiebreaker - works best in combination with the “Brock Osweiler Finally Gets It” narrative (above). That would be a Trenta-sized cup of icy cold schadenfreude lemonade for me. So delicious. But that seems too much like one of those terrible movies Chris Pine makes in between Star Treks. I could see the Raiders or Chiefs winning the AFC West but I can’t see the Broncos completely out of the playoffs. Unless God stops testing Philip Rivers’ faith with 4th quarter defensive collapses and the Chargers get that Wild Card spot.  

Dallas Ruins My Patriots-Cowboys Super Bowl Fantasy. Again…

We know how this is going to play out, don’t we?

Dak Prescott carries the Cowboys all the way to the NFC Championship game only to suffer a injury in the 1st quarter. I’ll go with concussion on a questionable hit just to ratchet up the outrage amongst Cowboys’ fans on Twitter and the emotional roller coaster of the shots of Jerry Jones in the owner’s box. Enter Tony Romo who plays like he hadn’t missed a snap all season long. It’s a shootout with Matty Ice as the ‘Boys and Falcons trade scores into the 4th quarter when Romo throws that tragically timed interception Cowboys’ fans all knew was coming. It sets the Falcons up for a game-winning field goal that banks in off the left upright.

Fanboy Fantasy…

If the Patriots can stay healthy, I think everything takes care of itself. If Dion Lewis can return to his first half of 2015 form, if Martellus Bennett’s ankle and Julian Edelman’s foot respond to treatment over the bye week and LeGarrette Blount, Rob Gronkowski and most importantly, Tom Brady avoid injury, the Patriots offense is as close to an unstoppable force as exists in the NFL. I want see that. The NFL with it’s soft TV ratings wants to see that. Every company’s marketing department considering a Super Bowl buy wants to see that.

New England’s defense has been improving and is currently ranked in the Top 5 in points allowed but even if I’m being overly optimistic about the defensive side of the line of scrimmage, I don’t think it’s a stretch to think Brady will put up however many points the Pats need for the W.

Meanwhile, it’s bye week. A good Sunday to see “Dr. Strange.”