Deflategate: The Movie

Count me among those who will be happy to see 2016 go. As Jerry Thornton so eloquently put it (start around the 0:58 mark for full effect), 2016 can eat a dick. That was before 2016 had a fourth quarter for the ages. 2016 can eat a bag of dicks. Any "Best of 2016" list is an oxymoron. Can a year be cursed by gypsies? Did we slip into an alternate, upside down timeline? If so, how do we get back?

Personally, I've been hiding in football since early November (I think you know what I mean) and I have no intention of coming out anytime soon.

If Deflategate was a movie, it would have to end with Tom Brady a Super Bowl winner. Call it "Foxborough by the Sea" or maybe "Rogue 12: A Pigskin Story." Roger Goodell in the Jeff Bridges role in "Hell or Low PSI?" "Captain America: Pigskin War?" "NE NE Land?"

Sadly, real life is not like the movies, which is probably why we have movies. And after 2016 it's hard to be optimistic. Still, I have to say my glass is still half full of Bill Belichick's wild blueberry Kool-Aid. Let's make a movie!

Starring…

Tom Brady - The hero of this story. The Deflategate narrative still feels like "Rollerball" to me with Brady in the role of Jonathan E. Hm. Brady with the quarterback sneak for the game-winning TD? That works. Yes, I'd prefer a 30-point blowout but remember, this is a movie. We need a big moment for the win. Followed by the crowd chanting "Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady…" Who plays Brady? I guess it could be Matt Damon. Hollywood has the technology to make him look tall. One of the Hemsworth brothers - the one from the "Ghostbusters" reboot? Please don't tell me he throws like a girl. Chris Pine? (See Matt Damon.) Channing Tatum!

Full Disclosure: I'm good with anyone but Ashton Kutcher.

Bill Belichick - The gruff but tender, never let them see you smile or catch you crying father figure. I would've gone with Ed Harris before "West World." Robert Duvall or Gary Oldman? Jim Beaver would probably be my wife's choice (big "Supernatural" fan who's still mad they killed Bobby). Maybe Scott Wilson who played Hershel Greene on "The Walking Dead." This role is definitely an interesting acting challenge. It isn't often the character's angry face looks exactly like his happy face.

The Supporting Cast…

Josh McDaniels - Josh Duhamel. Josh as Josh. Too obvious? Play it just like "Wild Bill" Lennox, Josh!

Matt Patricia - Someone who can play a rocket scientist that looks good in a full beard with a pencil behind their ear. Having said that, once I thought of Zach Galifianakis I just couldn't think of anybody else.

Gisele Bundchen - Natalie Portman. Don't even try to change my mind on this one.

Julian Edelman - The tough as nails slot receiver fashionista. If this was an old timey Hollywood movie, this is the role where Justin Bieber would make his film debut. But this is a new Hollywood movie and I'm calling the shots so that is not happening. I like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. If he can play Janet Jackson he's got the moves and the fashion sense to play Julian Edelman.

Rob Gronkowski - As Himself. Really, what else are you going to do?

Dante Scarnecchia and the Offensive Line - Scarnecchia is the tough as nails drill sergeant type. We need someone who is relentlessly angry until he erupts in pure joy with Brady's game-winning quarterback sneak. My first thought for Scarnecchia was DeNiro but maybe this is the role for Ed Harris. J.K. Simmons? Maybe Steve Buscemi. Jason Statham. I do like Jason Statham. The O-Line can be filled out by larger but lesser known actors but I would pay special attention to rookie guard Joe Thuney and the redemption story of right tackle Marcus Cannon. For Cannon, Anthony Anderson is probably too busy with his hit TV series, "Blackish." Maybe Chad Coleman, another favorite from "The Walking Dead." Casting Thuney is going to be tough. Young Hollywood isn't exactly chock-a-block with 6'4" 305-pound actors. We've got to do better than Jonah Hill with this role. I'm just saying.

LeGarrette Blount - This part has Oscar Nom for Best Supporting Actor written all over it. Djimon Hounsou.

Roger Goodell and His Bootlicks - I know I mentioned Jeff Bridges re: Goodell (above) but I'd really want to go as cliche as possible in casting the bad guys. You know those actors who when they make an appearance in the first 15 minutes of the movie you say to yourself, "He's going to turn out to be the serial killer" and you're right 99 times out of 100? Mark Strong with hair. Mads Mikkelsen, constantly swilling vodka straight from the bottle. Maybe Michael Rooker (love me some Michael Rooker) or Jon Hamm (doing his best James Mason). I'd go the same route with his bootlicks. Michael Biehn, Brad Dourif, Jeffrey Wright. No need to overthink these roles.

A few additional casting notes…

Robert Kraft - Robert Wagner? Robert Wagner.

Robert Kraft's Girlfriend - Alexandra Daddario. In a bikini. Yes, I just saw the trailer for "Baywatch."

Jonathan Kraft - Daniel Radcliffe. Or Adam Driver (though it seems tragic to waste Driver's luxurious mane of hair).

Donald Trump - An unfortunately necessary cameo. Alec Baldwin, of course.

Dont'a Hightower - If we can get Anthony Anderson for Marcus Cannon, I like Chad Coleman for Hightower.

Devin McCourty -  Taye Diggs might be a little old for this role but it's not like he's actually going to play football.

Malcolm Butler - I could go for an unknown in casting Butler which seems fitting for the former undrafted rookie who came from nowhere to win a Super Bowl but Michael B. Jordan would be a nice get.

Danny Amendola - Norman Reedus. Because Norman Reedus.

Malcolm Mitchell - Donald Glover. Unless Mitchell winds up on IR.

Michael Floyd - Anthony Mackie. If Floyd winds up making a game-changing catch in the playoffs.

And I'm barely scratching the surface of interesting characters; Jimmy Garoppolo, Chris Long, Chris Hogan, Jabaal Sheard and on and on.

This is definitely a movie that needs to happen. I'm really looking forward to seeing it.

[Feel free to suggest your casting choices in the comments section.]