Ranking NFL fans? This is what we're down to? That and gifs of an uncomfortably happy Bill Belichick.
No offseason. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want to call this, I'll be glad when it's over.
Okay, I guess I get it. Total clickbait. Everyone is going to check where they've been ranked because this one is personal. I don't use "we" when I refer to the Patriots because I'm not on the team. This time, though, it is about me, about us. Patriots Nation.
I was admittedly surprised to see us ranked so high on the Emory University list. I think we're pretty great here in Patriots Nation, but #2?
Anecdotally, I'd have to give props to fans of the Bills, the Browns, the Lions, the Jaguars; fans who feed on the meatless bones of tragic losses snatched from the jaws of victory or who have had their football future consigned to the dustbin of pigskin history at the hands of the Tim Couch's and Blake Bortles of our shared gridiron reality. Or noise-cancelling headphones props to the fans of the Chiefs and Seahawks with their annual battle of the decibels.
So, when Mike Tanier of Bleacher Report "fixed" the Emory University rankings, I wasn't particularly surprised. I wasn't even that surprised to see Tanier rank us #15. I get it. You hate the Patriots and all things Patriots-adjacent, like us, their fans.
Coming in #15 wasn't really the problem, though; it was, well, the tone of Tanier's judgment of me that made me break the promise I made to myself to just let these things go.
I'm going Fire Joe Morgan style with this…
The trust fund kids of NFL fandom, Patriots supporters are fiercely protective of their privilege and blithely indifferent to the plights of fans who don't get to attend semiannual championship parades.
Trust fund kids? Mr. Tanier and the haters and trolls may have forgotten the dark pigskin years before Belichick and Brady but we haven't.
As for my blithe indifference, I can tell you that finding and watching YouTube videos of Tom Brady's regular season and postseason 4th quarter/OT comebacks gave me a momentary pang of sympathy for the fans west of the Connecticut River. Okay, sympathy may be too strong a word. Maybe it was really a moment of recognition, an understanding of why fans of the Other 31 would hate us so much. It isn't just that the Patriots win practically all the time, it's how many times Tom Brady ripped their still beating hearts from their chests and showed it to them before he crushed it.
As for the championship parades, you think those fans who lined the streets of Boston again and again and again and again and again and again deserve to be ranked #15?
There's no atmosphere in the world quite like Foxborough on a playoff Sunday in January, mind you.
Thank you. Do go on…
But Patriots fans aren't content to enjoy their success; they desperately need everyone else to reassure them that we are enjoying it as well.
Sorry, but we're not pigskin Jehovah Witnesses roaming the country, proselytizing the fans of the Other 31. Do we Defend the Wall? Damn right we do. But we didn't start the fire… we just tried to fight it.
Also, how can we be blithely indifferent and desperately needy? Is it too much to ask for intellectual consistency across just two paragraphs?
Isn't it ever so grand to live in an era when we can breathe the same air as the immortal demigod Tom Brady?
So, you're saying we're delusional when it comes to the GOAT? You don't think Tom Brady is great? Yeah, we're stepping outside. No. APOLOGIZE OR STEP OUTSIDE!
By the way, it is ever so grand to live in the Tom Brady era. And feeling this way makes us the 15th best fans in the NFL?
What, you don't rank him above Mozart and St. Francis of Assisi on your all-time greatest humans countdown? SEIZE THIS HERETIC!
I'd rank Brady somewhere between Mozart and St. Francis but that's just me. I just feel like Mozart is a bit overrated. Hey! We're just making lists, here, am I right?
Patriots fans generally know their stuff when they aren't so success-gorged that they veer into "Matthew Slater is a Hall of Famer" territory.
Is the Bills Mafia similarly off the rails when they support Steve Tasker's candidacy for Canton?
I feel you, Bills' fans. I've seen Matt Slater make a field-tipping play in what seems like every single game I've watched him play. Slater was one of the stars of SB53. (Fight me!) It's still a game of field position and they still call it football. Ignoring the play-making of Bill Bates, Tasker and Slater doesn't add luster to the Hall of Fame in Canton nor would their inclusion diminish it.
They call it special teams for a reason.
This Slater dis just feels like a cheap shot.
And didn't you say this in the lede?
Each team's fanbase is full of both wonderful people and folks who should be kept overnight in the stadium prison as well as hardcore football junkies, casual supporters, bandwagon jumpers, students of the game, know-it-alls, comment thread loudmouths, tailgate gourmands, Pollyannas, nihilists, fair-weather friends and old-timers with "buried in my jersey" written into their wills.
Yet you'd indict us over a Reddit thread?
On the other hand, if you feel like we're so into our team that we're making the HOF case for a specialist like Slater, why have you got us at #15 on your list?
Quick Aside: How many Patriots of the Belichick years will get a bust in Canton? Consider this list of names: Ted Johnson, Dan Koppen, Deion Branch (Super Bowl MVP), Vince Wilfork, Mike Vrabel, Wes Welker, Willie McGinest (NFL post-season record for sacks), Rodney Harrison, Kevin Faulk, Ty Law, Tedy Bruschi, Logan Mankins, Matt Light, Richard Seymour, Troy Brown, Devin McCourty, Dont'a Hightower, Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman (Super Bowl MVP), Slater, Tom "Suck it, Wolfgang" Brady. We know Ty Law is in; Brady and Gronk will be; Adam Vinatieri may go in as a Colt and Randy Moss is in as a Viking. Of the other names on the list, how many make it to Canton?
I think the answer is zero. None. Zip. Zilch. Negative bupkis.
But you can bury me in any one of those jerseys, thank you very much.
Success-gorged. Huh. Why do I suddenly feel hungry for another Lombardi Trophy?
They also swear by their fealty to the team, which is easy to maintain when you are an adult and cannot remember their last losing season.
As noted above, we remember.
We remember when the Bills dominated the division, when Dan Marino was breaking our hearts, when the Patriots finally managed to make it to the Super Bowl only to be utterly and completely humiliated.
Come on, man.
And even after the Patriots dynasty collapses, their fanbase will spend decades taking the rest of us on annual tours of their lavish trophy case. Can't hardly wait.
No need to wait.
You can check it out now.
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