Wes Welker's Boyfriends

If there was one player who could fix what ails the Patriots, it wouldn’t be Wes Welker. I’m not sure any single player would be enough but don’t worry, I’m almost done with the time machine; I’ll be right back with in their primes Jim Brown, Deacon Jones, John Hannah and Jerry Rice.

That should do it.

 

Hey, I get it. We all loved Wes Welker. But this New England Patriots’ offense wouldn’t magically be transformed into a 37 points a game juggernaut if they still had Wes Welker in the slot. First of all, Julian Edelman did a pretty good Wes Welker last Thursday night and secondly Danny Amendola (severely pulled groin or not) wouldn’t be on this roster if the Patriots had re-signed Welker. At best, Brady would have had Welker and Edelman along with Stevan “Tiny Hands” Ridley toting the rock and his starting left tackle, Nate Solder, chipping in at tight end against the Jets.

Could it get any worse?

The combination of injuries and growing pains on offense has provided the boyfriends of Wes Welker plenty of material and they have vented their spleen with a fire hose: Bill Belichick is a small-minded, spiteful idiot who refused to re-sign Welker for personal reasons, damning the 2013 Patriots to a losing season and wasting another year of Tom Brady’s career. Forget the 152-57-0 regular season record. Forget the 17-7 post-season record and the 3-2 Super Bowl record. Seriously, forget that and the list of veterans Belichick has traded or released over the years; Drew Bledsoe, Lawyer Milloy, Ty Law, Deion Branch, Richard Seymour, Asante Samuel, Willie McGinest and Danny Woodhead (and I’m sure I’m missing one or two others). According to the unemployed GM’s commenting on sports blogs, this time, with Wes, it was personal. Or it was always personal and somehow Belichick got away with it before and now all that bad karma has gone around and come back around.

Also, don’t forget that everyone on the planet knew Danny Amendola was fragile. Based on his dislocated elbow and the displaced fracture of the clavicle injuries, it was only a matter of time before he pulled a groin muscle. Everyone knew that. Except for that moron Belichick.

Could it get any worse?

Welker didn’t just leave the Patriots; he joined the team led by Brady’s shadow, Peyton Manning. Based on the small data sample that is Week 1, Manning looks ready to throw for 112 TDs and 7,392 yards and the Broncos are on pace to go 19-0. Welker projects to 144 catches, 1,072 yards and 32 TDs.

Amendola, meanwhile, is on pace to miss 2-6 games.

Could it get any worse?

How has the emotionally stunted and mentally challenged Belichick done it?

Is it luck?

Has it run out?

Is he some kind of leather-headed Rain Man? Maybe Bill Belichick is a gridiron Gandalf (or some might suggest Sauron)? I’ve often defended Belichick’s tenure with the Cleveland Browns by noting that he is still the last Browns’ head coach to win a playoff game. Maybe he cursed the Cleveland franchise for some perceived insult (you know, like firing him). Maybe he manipulates pigskin reality through magic. You’ve seen him on the sideline with his small piece of paper and his stub of a pencil? What if that pencil is enchanted and whatever Belichick writes on that tiny scrap of paper comes true?

I know what you’re thinking but if the Patriots won every game 40-0 thanks to his tiny wood and lead wizard’s wand and the Patriots had won the last eleven Super Bowls (also 40-0) people might get suspicious. Better to eke out 2- and 3-point wins and leave everyone none the wiser.

Gandalf, er, Belichick has also taken some heat for insisting that the Jets players – Willie Colon and D’Brickashaw Ferguson – who were thrown out of the Thursday night game should actually be thrown out of the game. Following Nick Mangold’s cheap shot at Aqib Talib’s knee on the Patriots sideline and the ejections for the socially unacceptable behavior during the after party, Colon and Ferguson retreated to the Jets’ bench. Belichick rightly called this to the attention of the officials, refusing to let play continue until the miscreants were removed from his gaze. Belichick, who has infamously been held to the letter of NFL law, was apparently insisting the same courtesy be extended to him. For this he is once again charged with petty vindictiveness by the pigskin cognoscenti.

Yes, Talib was twerking the Jets but (sorry, Mike Reiss) Mangold’s hit was a cheap shot. Talib was clearly out of bounds when Mangold hit him and Mangold clearly targeted Talib’s knees. Colon tossed an official aside to get into the scrum and I saw the video replay of Ferguson throwing a punch. Hit the showers, men.

Could it get any worse?

The QB I once dubbed The Icy Commander is throwing tantrums. It’s become an internet meme so it must be true. Tom Brady is a whiny two-year old crybaby in a 36-year old starting NFL quarterback’s body. Brady himself acknowledged he could do better with his “body language” and he has been less than terrific to start the season. He’s been frustrated by the lack of progress shown by New England’s rookie wide receivers and having to play without Amendola and Vereen against the Jets – the only Team Brady has ever acknowledged hating – was obviously too much and he blew his Cali cool.

Brady is, of course, the only NFL quarterback who has ever shown emotion on the playing field, the only QB who has ever ripped one of his wide receivers for screwing up and – oh wait, that’s not true. Since the 50s when Johnny Unitas made the NFL once and forever a passing league, quarterbacks have yelled at their receivers for running the wrong route. As a long-time follower of the AFC East I can tell you that it seemed like an every game occurrence with Dan Marino.

Also, there’s a apparently a huge difference between showing emotion on the playing field (not cool) and throwing your offensive line under the bus following a loss in a post-game press conference (totally cool – by the way, when I typed “Peyton Manning blames” into the Google Machine it auto-filled “offensive line” with 331,000 results in 0.38 seconds).

Could it get any worse?

No, actually. It’s going to get better.

Let’s not forget that the defense is showing up. Dismiss their efforts because they were facing the Bills and the Jets and rookie quarterbacks if you will (I just wouldn’t do it in the Bills’ or Jets’ locker rooms if I were you). The Patriots’ version of the Giants’ NASCAR line up, with rookie Michael Buchanan at DE and Chandler Jones moving inside with Vince Wilfork and relentless Rob Ninkovich at the other DE position produced three of their four sacks against the Jets. The defense has produced six turnovers in the first two games of the season and as well as they’ve played so far, they’ve yet to hit their stride.

Let’s not forget that Gronk and Amendola and Vereen will be back. Vereen will not be back till Week 11 and Amendola’s return could be next week or Christmas but Gronk may be back next week.

Let’s not forget that the rookies will get better. Brady may have been holding his breath and stamping his feet during the game but he had Kenbrell Thompkins’ and Aaron Dobson’s backs in the post-game presser. I thought it was classic Brady that he gave Dobson all the credit for the TD (“it wasn’t even a great throw”). I did a word count on the transcript and Brady used the word “we” 55 times. He used word “I” just 15 times (most of them devoted to calling himself out). I like the fact that Brady is going deep to Thompkins and Dobson and I still think that was a completion for a touchdown to Thompkins.

Quick Aside: I thought “indisputable video evidence” was required to overturn a call. When did an “indication” – the referee stated that Thompkins fingers moving on the ball was an “indication” that he did not make the catch – become “indisputable?” At minimum it was an incredibly athletic effort on Thompkins’ part and an indication of what he’s capable of going forward.

Thompkins struggled to get open against the Bills but both he and Dobson were regularly getting open against the Jets. Keep chucking it, Tom; they’re going to start catching the ball.

Let’s not forget the Patriots are 2-0-0 overall and 2-0-0 in the division. The pigskin pundits and bobbleheads would have you believe are 0-2-0 and destined to lose the AFC East to the Dolphins and miss the playoffs. Maybe they could’ve been 1-1-0 or even 0-2-0 but they aren’t and “style points” isn’t an NFL tiebreaker.

New England has ten days to get ready for a team in nearly complete disarray in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (scroll about two-thirds of the way down the page for the links). The Patriots could be facing their third rookie QB in as many weeks unless Josh Freeman shows something this Sunday against an improved Saints’ defense.

But let’s not assume that sixteen eggs will produce sixteen chickens.

There’s still a long way to go but forgive me if I choose to remain optimistic. Excuse me if I look ahead a bit to late November when Gronk, Amendola and Vereen are back and Thompkins, Dobson, Josh Boyce and Zach Sudfeld are really rookies any more. Pardon me if I still believe this will be a Top 5 defense that provides the difference between victory and defeat a few more times between now and Thanksgiving.

Maybe I’ll be proven wrong but whatever happens, I’m riding with Bill and Tom.