The First Quarto

For entertainment purposes only…

 

San Francisco 16, St. Louis 20 – The Rams small data sample success against the 49ers is well-documented. While it is indeed a small data sample, it provides the Rams with a recent history of success; they know they can beat those guys. Meanwhile, what’s the 49ers’ deal? Losing in Seattle to the Seahawks is one thing; failing to defend your home field against a Colts team that looked bewitched, bothered and bewildered the previous week in a home loss to the Dolphins. Is Colin Kaepernick distracted by his joust with the twitter trolls? That’s probably overblown. The loss of Aldon Smith, a nicked up Patrick Willis and Vernon Davis and the patchwork receiving corps are much bigger problems.

Baltimore 20, Buffalo 30 – I’m not sure what getting conked on the noggin by a stripper wielding a bottle of bubbly has to do with leadership (nothing bad ever happened on Ray Lewis’ watch, right?) or more specifically, a lack thereof. The Ravens are more like a motorcycle gang than a football team so strippers armed with champagne on a party bus scenarios are going to happen. Torrey Smith, one of the new leaders on the Ravens, noted that if it hadn’t been for the stitches required to close the gash on Jacoby Jones head, nobody would’ve been the wiser, hence, not an issue. Hmm. That actually sounds like the opposite of leadership (generally associated with words like “accountability” and “responsibility” and “it’s not cool to party with strippers when you’re a grown man that other people count on”). Maybe Ray was right about this one.

Cincinnati 27, Cleveland 34 – You can’t stop Brian Hoyer, you can only hope to contain him. Okay, this score will probably go the other way. The Bengals are a better team but the Browns are playing with house money. The front office has already written off the 2013 season. There are no expectations, no pressure. The players aren’t playing for the post-season; they’re playing for a chance to be traded to a contender!

Chicago 27, Detroit 31 – Choosing between Jay Cutler and Matt Strafford is like choosing between Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. More importantly, they don’t have pizza delivery in Detroit?

New York[g] 23, Kansas City 24 – Because Alex Smith does just enough to win. It won’t hurt that the Chiefs have had ten days to get ready for this game. On the other hand, how do you prepare for a team that doesn’t have an identity?

Pittsburgh 37, Minnesota 24 – We saw what Brian Hoyer was able to do against the Vikings defense and Ben Roethlisberger is a full 6” taller than Hoyer.

Arizona 10, Tampa Bay 13 – Somehow the Buccaneers win despite Mike Glennon throwing 4 interceptions.

Indianapolis 41, Jacksonville 12 – With their beatdown of the 49ers on the road the Colts convinced me they’re for real. The Jaguars, as everyone knows, are unreal.

Seattle 37, Houston 17 –The Seahawks defense will grab Matt Schaub, throw him in a white, windowless van, drive him to an abandoned warehouse where they will duct tape him to an uncomfortable chair and force him to watch highlights of this game over and over again.

New York[j] 7, Tennessee 10 – This one won’t be pretty.

Philadelphia 31, Denver 52 – The Broncos like to play fast, too.

Washington 27, Oakland 13 – Washington is desperate for a win. Oakland is just desperate.

Dallas 34, San Diego 31 – After two weeks of Good Philip Rivers, Bad Philip Rivers resurfaced last week. Tom Brady was pilloried by pigskin pundits and bobbleheads for yelling at his receivers but Rivers has seemingly gotten a free pass for verbally assaulting an official during their “that’s the Chargers I remember” loss to the Titans. 

New England 34, Atlanta 20 – Matty Ice is a great sports nickname but is it really true that Tom Brady doesn’t have a nickname? TB12 is a logo, not a nickname but haven’t we seen him referred to as Tom Terrific (he has an IMDB page!) in various media channels? Doesn’t that count? Speaking of things that don’t count, as noted in a previous post, I often refer to him as the Icy Commander (borrowed from a reference to Alan Shepherd in “The Right Stuff”) or as Perfect Tommy (after a character in “Buckaroo Banzai”). My wife refers to him as Young Odin (which started when he was wearing his hair long). I try not to think about what she’s thinking about when she drops that appellation. Anyway, guys like Brady don’t need nicknames. He’s Brady.

Miami 17, New Orleans 30 – The Saints defense has improved and Drew Brees is still Drew Brees.