Jealousy

I know I said I wouldn't do this; wouldn't waste my time arguing with haters, defending the Patriots, Bill Belichick or Tom Brady from the jealous and the dumb.

This was just too perfect though. It literally has everything.

Take a look...

[Tom Brady's] a joke and he's a cheater and a fraud, won his superbowls with luck and cheating mark my words and everyone comeback to this comment he will not I repeat WILL NOT!! beat the jets Sunday. he's not getting home field advantage and I hope Pittsburgh blows him out at Heinz field this guy is a liar and snake, the nfl should have looked more into that deflate gate case, he obviously destroyed his phone to hide evidence, yeah Elliot gets a longer suspension because he's black yet Brady gets only 4 games and gets to play Cleveland his first game back. Hmmmm just more and more suspicion on this franchise, one day the truth will come out about what went on behind the scenes a disgruntled employee will finally expose this team and spill the beans

This was a comment on a Facebook post by Tom Brady in support of Nate Solder's candidacy for the Walter Payton Man of the Year award.

Why do I love it so? Let me count the ways…

It's the Very First Comment on Brady's Post

Patriots fans have known about internet trolls and bots for a long time, haven't we?

It's become commonplace to find the first commenter on any Patriots-related post remind us all that Patriots Nation roots for vile, despicable, unrepentant cheaters. But doing this on a post related to Nate Solder? That's some next level shit right there.

Cheating Isn't Enough

The Patriots aren't just cheaters; they're lucky!

Have to say, this is a new one for me. The haters and trolls usually focus on the cheating (Spygate, Deflategate) and ignore random factors like coaching, talent, mental discipline, and luck. I guess he's referring to the questionable coaching decisions made by Pete Carroll and Dan Quinn in SB49 and SB51, respectively.

Wait! No Mention of Spygate?

While it isn't mentioned explicitly, I think one of the official synonyms for "cheating" in the Oxford English Dictionary is "Spygate." Pretty sure it was added in 2014.

It's Prophetic

"Mark my words?" Maybe I should've pinned this comment. I can almost picture this guy, his eyes like burning coals, with his right hand pointed upward as his left hand is pointed in my face as he thunders his apocalyptic incantation of loss and judgment on the New England Patriots. No Super Bowl repeat! A loss to the Jets this Sunday! A blowout loss to the Steelers in the AFC Championship!

Okay, he's only hoping for a blowout loss to the Steelers. Kind of a letdown there, dude.

I wonder if he's got money on that Jets game. He should be getting pretty good odds.

I do think he should've tried to figure out a way not to use the word "comeback" in the context of a rant involving the Patriots, though (*cough* 28-3 *cough*). Perhaps correctly spelling "come back" (probably not enough) or using "return" instead.

Relitigating Deflategate

Apparently, the problem with Deflategate is that the NFL didn't spend enough time and money on it. The real story involves something far more nefarious than the manipulation of air pressure in footballs. That we don't know what that is only proves the point! That's just how good Tom Brady and the Patriots are at cheating! Can't you see that! Isn't it obvious!

What does he think was on Tom Brady's phone? Text messages on undetectable poisons from Vladimir Putin? Avocado-based recipes from a Hopi shaman/chef? Blood doping tips from Lance Armstrong? A message from Mark Wahlberg providing the location of the Allspark and instructions on  its use as an energy source providing eternal life? (That's right; the Transformers movies are real.) All of the above?

Racism

If you're trashing the Patriots, Boston, or New England and you don't mention how racist we all are, you're just not trying. Of course, it seems he's really accusing Roger Goodell of being racist but hey, we're talking about Tom Brady and the Patriots, here. So, yeah. Racists!

Full disclosure: The commenter's avatar was an image of Dak Prescott.

As I'm sure you know, Texas is a state where football is a religion; cheating at football is a sin worthy of eternal damnation. Violence against women, on the other hand, is simply a cultural norm.

Hey, we may be racists in New England but we're not gun-toting misogynist racists!

Okay. We probably are. I see you Texas!

The Truth Will Out

How many players and coaches have passed through Foxborough over the last decade and a half? Hundreds? Quite a few have left on less than good terms. How disgruntled do you need to be?

Maybe they all had to sign ironclad non-disclosure agreements?

By induction, this one seems (to me) to prove the Patriots are not cheaters. Can you imagine how much money you would make on the book deal? The movie option? (Aaron Sorkin to write and direct, using the cheating Patriots as a metaphor for the larger social context of 21st century America - let's not forget that Donald Trump would have to make a cameo.) Why wouldn't some even mildly disaffected former employee have taken advantage of the Patriot-hating market opportunity by now?

Haters and trolls should probably avoid this argument like they should avoid ever saying "comeback."

You're only giving me another chance to feel superior to you…

I feel sorry for this commenter (or the programmer who created the bot). I picture you sitting on a tattered couch in your parents' basement, playing Madden, losing to the Patriots in the virtual world just as your team loses to the Patriots in the real world, wondering what it's like to kiss a girl, hoping that crumpled bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos at your feet isn't empty, confused and angry that you keep getting passed over for the assistant manager position at Hardee's.

Maybe you're just too good at the fry-o-lator for management to risk moving you up to a management position.