Top 10 Reasons to Hate the Patriots (2017 Edition)
#10 - Defending Super Bowl Champs. Again.
I'd like to say, "let's just get this one out of the way" but let's face it; this is never going away. Super Bowl 51 was the greatest Super Bowl in the History of Super Bowls. Haters are going to be suffering through replays on "Top 10 Super Bowl Games of All Time" lists and special features and YouTube videos for the rest of your life. When does that game drop out of the Top 10? 2920? Ever?
It gets worse. According to ESPN, the Patriots played 4 of the 10 all-time best Super Bowl games, going 3-1. Just do yourself a favor and watch this over and over.
#9 - They had the worst defense in the NFL for the month of September and still went 2-2-0.
That actually happened. I'm not sure it can be explained.
#8 - Rob Gronkowski's Heel Turn
The Patriots aren't just cheaters! They're dirty, too!
#7 - The Catch Rule
Don't worry. Like so many other times a rule has wound up working in the Patriots' favor (*cough* tuck rule *cough* ineligible eligible receiver *cough* leaping the center *cough*), the competition committee will change the catch rule in the offseason to include a "breaking the plane" exception.
As for the "actually possessing the football with both feet in bounds" exception, I don't see that one changing. Sorry.
#6 - They lose their two best players not named Tom Brady and just keep winning.
And not just Julian Edelman and Dont'a Hightower. Marcus Cannon, Nate Ebner, Shea McClellin, and Malcolm Mitchell are also on IR. Chris Hogan has missed significant time.
Meanwhile, in the Buffalo game, some dude named Marquis Flowers, a guy whose profile on ESPN.com still shows him in a Bengals uniform, a guy who was picked up to play special teams, led the Patriots in tackles, sacks, and tackles for loss. Not Trey Flowers; Marquis Flowers.
Who? What? How?
#5 - Bill Belichick hasn't forgotten more football than your head coach knows... because Bill Belichick hasn't forgotten anything!
I don't know if there's any objective case for the Patriots seemingly getting calls that involve unusual scenarios and esoteric subparagraphs in the NFL rule book but could it be the Patriots get those calls because Belichick has considered those unusual scenarios and read those esoteric subparagraphs?
Would I be surprised to find out that Belichick has had Ernie Adams digitize every play; offensive formation, defensive alignment, down, distance, weather conditions, outcome?
I would not.
#4 - Jimmy Garoppolo (and Jacoby Brissett)
The Patriots are so good they're giving quarterbacks away!
I know you're trying to spin the Garoppolo trade as the 49ers fleecing the Patriots and well, you may have me there. Jimmy GQ is off to an historically great small data sample, after all. I'll just caution you against spiking the football until Belichick uses that 2nd round pick in the 2018 draft on a safety you never heard of before.
#3 - James Harrison in a Patriots uniform.
Admit it. You're afraid this is going to happen, aren't you? Even worse, you picture Harrison strip-sacking Ben Roethlisberger in the AFC Championship game, don't you?
#2 - Richard Sherman in a Patriots uniform.
If Seattle parts ways with Sherman and he can play wherever he wants in 2018, you've got to think New England will be on his short list. This would be such a Belichickian move, too. Smart GMs aren't overpaying for a 30-year old cornerback coming off a season-ending injury, even if it is Richard Sherman. Belichick won't overpay, either, but Belichick not only knows when to get rid of a veteran player on the decline, he's pretty good at squeezing one or two more years out of veteran free agents. Sherman might have more in the tank than Revis did when New England picked him up.
Relax. He probably winds up with old defensive coordinator and current Atlanta head coach Dan Quinn.
#1 - Tom Brady
If you're a fan of any of the Other 31 and you don't hate Brady I think you probably haven't been paying attention. If Tom Brady's Patriots played your team 100 times, your team would lose 77. 77! He has banished pretender GOATs Peyton Manning and Joe Montana to the shadow realm where they sell pizza, insurance, and credit card apps. Brady is the Alpha. He's handsome. He's rich and he's married to a supermodel who is even richer than he is. In Super Bowl 51, he led the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history, winning the game for his mom - who was fighting cancer - in overtime. It was his 5th Super Bowl win and 4th Super Bowl MVP. He's having another MVP season at the age of 40. When he retires he will become a messianic figure to the Cult of TB12. In 2030, he won't run for President; he'll be declared President.
Still not feeling the hate?
Well ask your wife or girlfriend what she thinks about Tom Brady and she'll either straight up break your heart or she'll lie to you in a way that makes you question every moment of your relationship.
I'm guessing you'll feel it then.
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