Who Can Beat The Patriots?

Pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have Patriots Fatigue. They are desperate seeking a team that can take down the Patriots before they win yet another Lombardi Trophy. It reminds me of that line from "Thunder Road."

...praying in vain for a savior to rise from these streets...

Well?

The Dolphins in Miami

The Dolphins don't have home field for the playoffs? The Dolphins aren't even in the playoffs? Okay then.

Verdict: Dodged a bullet for sure.

Jacksonville Jaguars in Foxborough

Jacksonville is a popular pick to take down the Patriots. Touch on defense. A running game that can run clock and keep Tom Brady on the sidelines. As they say, that was then...

The Jags were just shredded by Tom Brady's understudy. I know there's a demo in Patriots Nation that wants the Steelers in the AFC Championship but I'd much rather see the Jags beat the Steelers in an emotionally and physically draining divisional game (OT? 2OT?) and bring their battered one-dimensional offense and zone-heavy defense to Gillette. (Sorry, James Harrison.)

Also, you're counting on Blake Bortles coming to Foxborough to play the biggest game of his life and not pooping his pants? If so, I have a word of advice for you: That email you just got promising you thousands of dollars did not come from a real Nigerian prince.

Verdict: No longer buying the #Sacksonville hype after Jimmy GQ glammored the Jags.

Kansas City Chiefs in Foxborough

First, I think it's 60/40 the Chiefs don't get out of the wild card round. Second, if they do, they'll probably think that Week 1 win back in September actually means something. In January.

They'll be right about that game having meaning but it will actually mean more in motivation for the Patriots than confidence for the Chiefs.

And then there's this.

There's also the likelihood Andy Reid (11-12 in the playoffs) will pull a "what was he thinking" move at a critical point in the game in a vain effort to outsmart Bill Belichick. Opposing head coaches need to stop trying to do this. It never works. Wait, what am I saying? You be you, Andy Reid!

Verdict: The Patriots only lose to the Chiefs in the regular season.

Baltimore Ravens in Foxborough

In case you haven't heard, the Ravens aren't afraid of coming into Foxborough to play the Patriots. The subtext seems to be that all the other teams are afraid of playing the Pats in Gillette. I'm having a hard time with that but whatever.

It is factually true Baltimore is 2-2 in playoff games in New England and most NFL fans west of the Connecticut River see those Patriots wins as (1) a bad beat and (2) cheat codes so the Ravens are really 4-0 against the Pats! Anyway, I think the braver than brave Ravens tracks back to their 33-14 demolition of the Patriots in 2009. I know you can do the math but that was 8 years ago. That's like two generations in NFL years!

Besides, you just know Belichick has been saving something special from a ambiguously written subparagraph in the NFL rule book for John Harbaugh, don't you?

Verdict: The Patriots aren't afraid of playing the Ravens anywhere.

Pittsburgh Steelers in Foxborough

Not going to lie, if the Patriots do not get a few key players back from injury (Alan Branch, Kyle Van Noy, Chris Hogan), this one does scare me. I think losing Hogan has had a lot to do with the up and down play of late from Brady and the Patriots' passing game. Is Gronk enough? Maybe. With a little Dion Lewis thrown in for good measure? Probably. We're not worried about the Patriots' offense in this one, though, are we?

I guess the good news is the Patriots defense can play better than they showed in Pittsburgh. Having said that, the Steelers offense will put points on the board. This is a game far more likely to end 42-40 than 13-3.

Verdict: The game ends in controversy. And with the Patriots returning to the Super Bowl.

New York Giants in Minneapolis

Yeah, I don't know how Eli did it. Let alone twice.

Verdict: Thank you, Ben McAdoo.

Philadelphia Eagles in Minneapolis

Two words: Nick Foles.

Verdict: Eagles' fans will have to wait till next year. Again.

Los Angeles Rams in Minneapolis

The Brady-Belichick dynasty began with an upset win over the Rams. It would only make narrative sense for it to end in an upset loss to the Rams. It's Chekhovian. That actually makes me more nervous than the broad array of talent the Rams put on the field in all three phases of the game.

I have confidence in Belichick's and Matt Patricia's ability to confuse Jared Goff and create turnovers but more importantly, I don't think the Rams get out of the NFC bracket.

Verdict: Belichick doesn't care about foreshadowing.

Carolina Panthers in Minneapolis

Cam Newton scares me. I wonder though how Newton reacts in a return to the scene of the crime, if you will. Does he succumb to memories of the infamous post-game meltdown after SB50? Does he try to do too much and stumble in that moment of overreach? I don't doubt Newton's arm or legs but his head?

More importantly, the Panthers won by a last second field goal over the Pats when New England was playing their absolute worst football of the 2017 season.

Verdict: No way the NFL wants two weeks of Jerry Richardson stories.

New Orleans Saints in Minneapolis

This is close to a mirror match for the Patriots. Great quarterbacks. Multifaceted running backs. Underappreciated receivers. Underestimated if not surprising defenses. If your answer to "Who can beat the Patriots?" is "The Patriots," then the Saints are the one team New England does not want to see in the Super Bowl.

Then again, the Patriots did beat the Saints in the Superdome back in September when New England was playing defensive football at a historically horrible rate.

Verdict: Sean Payton looks himself in the mirror and gives himself the choke sign.

Minnesota Vikings in Minneapolis

The Patriots beating the first team to ever host the Super Bowl would be the most Patriots' thing ever.

Verdict: Everyone who's been waiting for Case Keenum to suddenly and precipitously regress to the mean will finally be able to say, "I told you so."