Side Effects Include...

I'm fascinated by the side effects of pharmaceuticals. I've noted in the past that if "coma or death" aren't mentioned, they're just not trying hard enough. (I want to help you so badly I'm willing to kill you to do it!) I'm not even sure what they're treating; psoriatic skin conditions, diabetes, heart conditions, depression? Given the downside (to coma or death), I have to think it isn't male pattern baldness. Erectile dysfunction? Would you risk death just to - wait, what am I saying? Of course you would.

I heard a new one last night: Unusual urges.

Unusual urges?

It seems like a rather broad umbrella. 

Is there scale? Are there low to moderate unusual urges? Only wanting to eat the cookie part of the Oreo and not the creamy center? (What chemical would turn someone into that kind of monster?) Are there extreme unusual urges? An obsession with giving a crocodile a colonoscopy? Wanting to climb Everest naked? 

Is it contextual? Is pickles on ice cream an unusual urge if you aren't pregnant but just another midnight snack if you are? Is an obsession with the films of Alfred Hitchcock just another dissertation subject if you're a student of films but just a little too on the nose if you're a serial killer trying to convince the trustee you returned the "Psycho" DVD weeks ago?

Is there a scientific definition for these "unusual urges?"

Huh.

Sex and gambling? That's it? (I'm sure that crocodile is relieved.) I mean "That's it?" in the sense of breadth rather than risk. Excessive gambling can certainly result in coma or death (depending on who holds your debt and how much of a sense of humor they may have). And for all the husbands thinking, "Hey, babe, you've seemed a little depressed lately. Maybe you should be taking something, you know? I hear really good things about Abilify," you should keep in mind the unusual urges to shop and binge eat, as well. Your significant other would be working in the target rich world of retail sales and young aspiring actors/underwear models working as waiters. When she isn't at Foxwoods laying the mortgage on black, of course. 

The kicker is that all of this - from wearing your underwear on the outside while buying a hundred scratch off tickets at the local Cumberland Farms, all the way to coma or death - is that these are side effects for palliatives. These aren't cures or vaccines that immunize us from dread, pandemic diseases. These are therapeutics that manage symptoms at best.

So, when my doctor recently prescribed medication for my high blood pressure, did I ask if it might cause permanent, painful erections? No. I did not. I just hoped for the best. I mean, just what level of pain are we talking about?