What We Deserve

Back in the day – way back in the day – a philosopher named Joseph de Maistre said, "Every nation gets the government it deserves."

That's why I believe Donald J. Trump will be the next President of the United States.

 

We are a country of petty, squabbling hypocrites who self-identify as Christian while slavishly worshiping the almighty dollar as we clean our guns and shrug our shoulders at the news of children being slaughtered in their school rooms. We are a nation built by immigrants who committed systematic genocide who rightly fear immigrants coming to this country (because, hey, look what we did?) to take our jobs and then shoot up the company's holiday outing which isn't a Christmas luncheon because there's a war on Christmas (and there are vegetarian and gluten free options because there's a war on lunch meat). We believe in rugged individualism and personal accountability and yet, when we fail, the fault is never our own. We are every bit as clannish today as the Hatfields and McCoys. There is us and everybody else is them. And them is cheating. Them is not playing by the rules. Them wants to make us drive electric cars and eat toasted kale and quinoa salad. Or make us follow Sharia law and grow beards and oppress women even more than we do today. We demonize science and intellectuals and will happily ascribe a supernatural explanation that involves the supreme being's irrational antipathy toward whatever group of tourists just got wiped from the face of the earth by a tsunami. Our God is a mighty God. He will smite you. We like it simple. Not that long ago, a philosopher named Bob Dylan said, "It may be the Devil, or it may be the Lord but you're gonna have to serve somebody." And for reasons that pass all understanding, we all think we're serving the Lord. (I always figured we were all 50/50 – maybe 60/40 – for the great battle between good and evil but okay.) We're all good guys.

That's us.

Of course we're going to elect The Donald president.

You think I'm being cynical? I suppose that's a point of view of the observer. I just think I'm being realistic. I'm not without hope. More importantly, I'm comforted by the fact the planet somehow survived the George W. Bush presidency. And if you think I'm being cynical, remember we elected W president twice.

That's us.

The Democrats will serve up a socialist Jew grandpa from Brooklyn by way of Vermont rather than the most qualified candidate in the history of the nation and The Donald will pull Bernie Sanders' still beating heart from his chest and show it too him before he dips it in barbecue sauce and eats it whole.

And we will cheer.

Okay, some of us will cringe and vomit.

Losers.

Suck it up. We're all going to be winners! We're all going to be rich! The Donald wants to treat our enemies like enemies and our friends like friends, build a wall without taxpayer money that keeps all the rapists and thieves out; he wants to give us jobs and make us all rich, just like Jesus. Let's get with this! Let's make America great again! This is our jam! Did anyone get the rights to "I am Superman" by R.E.M.? No? Let's just roll it till they file the inevitable injunction…