Do I Hate Peyton Manning?

Do I hate Peyton Manning?

Well… Yes. I do hate Peyton Manning.

 

Okay.

I don't hate Peyton Manning.

I don't know Peyton Manning.

I guess I hate the idea of Peyton Manning just like some people hate the idea of Tom Brady.

Let's face it. We don't know who these guys are, not really. They are the elite of the elite. There are only 32 NFL starting quarterbacks in the known universe. And Manning and Brady aren't just two of the best right now; they're two of the best. All time. Full stop.

They're millionaires on the way to being billionaires.

My washing machine is broken.

We just don't travel in the same circles.

We have an impulse to make binary choices. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Star Trek or Star Wars? Cats or dogs? Boxers or briefs. Home fries or beans?

Manning or Brady?

I'm a Brady guy, of course. I live in New Hampshire. The Patriots are my boys. Brady is a gift from the Gridiron Gods. Tom Brady only has time for five questions because he needs to be awesome somewhere else right now. He is Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man, perfect in every aspect (but I'm pretty sure Tom's penis is bigger than that – don't ask me how I know, I just do). Quarterbacks have always gotten the head cheerleader but Brady is married to the wealthiest supermodel on planet earth. He's got kids; one of whom will be President of the United States someday, one of the boys will be elected Pope on the first ballot and the third will cure cancer with avocados. 

Whatever else you may think about Brady, it's fair to say there's general agreement he's at least in the conversation for greatest of all time. And yet, he isn't one of the highest paid quarterbacks in the NFL, famously taking a hometown discount of sorts, leaving money on the table to be used on building depth on the 53-man roster. 

He's Prince Valiant right down to the weird haircuts.

He is the man.

Can they make Matt Damon look 6' 4" tall? He should really play Brady in the movie.

Or maybe Brady will play Brady in the movie.

Yeah. I'm all in on Brady.

So, I have to hate Peyton Manning. Well, I hate the insurance salesman; the shill for shit pizza. Is he still doing Buick commercials? That golly gosh, aw shucks, good ol' boy persona makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit, as do the sycophantic worshippers of The Sheriff, the man with the sci-fi movie-scale forehead.

He's always been in the way. Brady would've already kissed his fifth Lombardi Trophy if it hadn't been for Peyton Manning. The Sheriff? The Sheriff of Nottingham to Brady's good Robin of Loxley maybe. (After Brady makes his inevitable biopic, he should do a Robin Hood movie. Why not? Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe did. If they could, why not Brady, right?) Remember Manning "just trying to be a good teammate?" Yeah. Good teammate. When you see the façade crack and the evil goo within oozes out, you recognize it for what it always was: a mask.

We should've known. That forehead was too big to ever be real.

Yeah, I hate that guy.

But you know what else? I hate Joe Flacco and may even hate Eli Manning more than I hate Peyton and if he ever plays well against the Pats I'll probably hate Andrew Luck, too.

Go Pats!