My Perfect Sunday

Wasn't this supposed to be the year the rest of the AFC East caught up with the Patriots?

 

Happy New Year!

It's going to be hard to top calendar year 2015 if you're a Patriots' fan. A win in the Super Bowl. A win in federal court. Brady playing as well at 38 as he did at 28. A defense that looks better than last year's model despite the loss of Darrelle Revis. Another AFC East championship. Another first round playoff bye and a control their own destiny hold on the #1 seed. An HGH cherry on a Peyton Manning schadenfreude sundae.

Could 2016 get any better than that?

Yes.

The Patriots could win in Miami this Sunday, get healthy over the bye week, win two at Gillette and play – and win – back-to-back Super Bowls for the second time in the Belichick/Brady era. That would give us the most uncomfortable post-game stage in Super Bowl history with Roger Goodell, Robert Kraft and Tom Brady doing their best to avoid eye contact or physical interaction. Yes, I will take the Lombardi Trophy from you but I will not shake your hand. Bill Belichick does not give a fuck so he'll probably just be his usual accessible, affable self. A few weeks after SB50, Brady and the NFLPA could hand Goodell and the NFL yet another loss in court. A few weeks after that, we could witness Peyton Manning's tear-filled admission that he took HGH to help in his recovery from neck surgery. And the day after that, ESPN fires Chris Mortensen.

Brady could then go on to play the best season ever for a 39-year old QB in NFL history.

I can dream, can't I?

Before all of that can (possibly) go down, there's still Week 17 ahead of us.

My Perfect Sunday

Patriots win. Brady passes for 400 yards and 4 TD in the first half and spends the second half of the game on the sidelines with Gronk comparing investment portfolios. Okay, I know Tom isn't into personal accomplishments so however the Pats get to a 28 point lead by halftime, it's all good.

Jets lose. I'm not so sure the Bills can pull this off. Will Mario Williams sulk his way out of Buffalo or will he put a game on tape he can take with him after Buffalo lets him go? Can Sammy Watkins win his match ups with Darrelle Revis? Can the Bills defense cast a reversal spell that stops Fitzmagic? I caught a snippet of Rex Ryan's press conference Wednesday and he seemed like a beaten man. Is there anything sadder than Sad Rex Ryan? Rex seems resigned to reality; the Jets are better without him and the Bills are worse with him.

That has to sting like a Mugatu bite.

I think the only thing I have going for me here is a letdown on the part of the Jets. They're coming off that huge overtime win over the Patriots backups. Based on that "they just beat the Patriots" meme, the consensus amongst pigskin pundits and bobbleheads is the Jets have what it takes to win the AFC Championship in Foxborough (or Denver – Jinx! – I don't want to get ahead of myself). The Bills game is merely a contractual obligation.

The only other thing I have going for me is the Jets being the Jets. Let's face it. This is a franchise that seems genetically engineered to snatch tragedy from the jaws of victory.

You be you, Jets!

Steelers win. A Jets loss won't mean anything without a Steelers win. Yes, this will probably restore Pittsburgh's status as "the team nobody wants to see in the playoffs" and I throw up in my mouth a little every time Mike "Caught Cheating on Camera" Tomlin is held up as the moral compass of the NFL or Ben Roethlisberger is cast in the role of redemptive hero but some sacrifices simply need to be made.

Texans win. Partly because it knocks the Colts out of the post-season. Partly because of all the old friends in Houston, from Head Coach Bill O'Brien to erstwhile starting QB Brian Hoyer and veteran defensive tackle Vince Wilfork. Mostly because it knocks the Colts out of the post-season.

Colts lose. Yes, I still want the Colts to lose. Just in case the Texans stumble against the Jags. Also because I want the Colts to lose. Forever.

Ravens lose. Never forget Deflategate started with the Ravens. They should also lose forever.

Broncos lose. Just because I'm trying to keep alive the storyline where the Broncos have to turn to Peyton Manning in the playoffs and the subplot where he throws three back-breaking interceptions in the second half of a brutal loss to the Texans.

Perfection.